Identity # 12 THE "BUTCHER KNIFE PROPHET"

Continuing on our Search for Identity, we're zeroing in on healthy self examination. One of my former clients gave me permission to use his story. He entitles it "a white robe over nasty underwear."

The Lord had seemingly given "Pete" the gift of prophecy. He would sense that God would be telling him to go to Fort Walton Beach, Florida (a trip of about 5 hours from Birmingham). He was to go to a certain pier where he would meet a man with a red baseball cap. Pete was to minister to him.

Sure enough, after the long drive, Pete would pull up to the pier and there stood a man in a red baseball cap. A conversation was initiated and it was obvious that God had sent Pete to encourage, comfort and instruct the man. This kind of experience happened frequently.

However, as Pete so graphically described, "I had concentrated on my spiritual gift and had a blind eye to my character." He was in my office because he had just taken a large hunting knife and out of a fit of rage, destroyed $3000 worth of furniture and threatened to kill his wife.

Rather than allowing his gaze at God to penetrate through his fig leaves, and reveal garbage within, Pete kept busy with religious activity ... a white robe over nasty underwear. Hurts, hates, guilt, selfishness, insecurity and other "nasties" lay submerged for years and finally exploded through the destructive blade of the butcher knife. A religious mask.

Rationalize, attack, rearrange and religious masks. Do any of these apply to you? It’s often more comfortable living in darkness but, is the payoff worth it?

A challenge we all have: we can sweep the streets and make them look clean. But until we climb down into the sewer and clean out the filth beneath the streets, we're obscuring God's production of his qualities and fruit in our lives.

Search for Identity -DARKNESS DWELLING 11

We're examing the importance of self evaluation in building a healthy and godly self image. But it isn't natural to do so. We hide from ourselves.

Adam and Eve started this darkness\denial process, covering themselves with fig leaves and hiding behind a tree. They set a pattern that we all tend to follow. We'd rather camouflage the sin within, live in darkness and not face ourselves or God.

It is more comfortable. Looking inward can be painful. Even depressing. Why bother to examine oneself if it just leads to greater awareness of selfishness, pride, resentment or unbelievable sorrow.
Yet, if that awareness shows us dysfunctional thinking or behavior, and gives us a greater thirst for God's answers, then the temporary pain of looking inward brings ultimate payoff. A quiet growth in grace and character. A cleaning out of the garbage within. A greater freedom, peace, joy, contentment, wholeness. A more healthy self perception. Praise the Lord. That is what is available to us as Christians.

But it begins with gazing at God sufficiently to see what is within ourselves that is not of God and needs change. When we begin to look inward there still is a tendency to want to escape what we’re observing about ourselves. One or more of four avenues are taken.

RATIONALIZING
My wife says to me "Ray, you're being too harsh."
If I want to stay in darkness, not facing the light of what she just said, I'll rationalize: "Hey, Theresa, I'm not as harsh as I once was." (As if that gives me three points and victory.) But I'm not facing and resolving the destructiveness of harshness at that moment. I'm choosing to stay in darkness by rationalizing. The result? No change. No growth. Probably a little more guilt.
Can you give an example of this in your life?

ATTACKING/BLAMESHIFTING
Attacking is another favorite trick to keep out of the light. "Ray, you're being too harsh," my wife says. "Well, Theresa, how about you? You're always ..." and I get off on my pet peeve about her. Blameshifting. I don't have to face me if I can place the bee on her. Can you give an example of this in your life?
Rationalizing, attacking/blameshifting and some folk rearrange rather than come out of the darkness and face the light and grow.

REARRANGE
"My husband is treating me unfairly; I'll just get a job and not have to be around him that much."
"My wife is a nag; I'll work longer hours to avoid her unpleasantness."
"I'm single. Lonely. I'll stay busy."
Rearranging, coping, rather than facing the light, looking within and making attitudinal changes necessary. It is easier to change circumstances than alter attitudes. Does this apply to you? And lastly:

WEARING RELIGIOUS MASKS
Rationalizing, attacking, rearranging and now, wearing religious masks is examined as the fourth type of darkness dweller.
Rather than facing troubling issues within, it is easier to be religious. Be in church every time the door is open. Tithe. Bible studies, witnessing classes, choir, meetings galore ... nothing wrong with these individually, but in masse, it spells avoidance. Like the Pharisees, very religious, but oblivious to the garbage within.
Which of these four best characterizes you?

THE "BUTCHER KNIFE PROPHET" will be described in the next post.

Who, Me? Healthy self examination - 10

Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Search me O God – not excessive naval gazing introspection but allowing God to search us. Being open and available for His inspection. Thus, the beginning of building healthy self esteem is knowing God more deeply.

What happens when we get a clear look at God? Isaiah describes it in chapter 6. The first four verses depict the grand awesomeness of God. 6:1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.3 And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

“I saw the Lord,” said Isaiah. He pictures the awesome majesty of God. Then, verse 5.
Isaiah 6:5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live
among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
In some fashion Isaiah saw God. He observed the awesome holiness of God. His gaze at God's holiness, revealed Isaiah's "unholiness" in contrast. "I am unclean," was his response.

Job had the same experience.
Job 42:5-6 " My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Basically, both Job and Isaiah are saying "when you indeed see God, you are made aware of the lack of God in your life - your ungodliness." His purity reveals our impurity. (We won't stop there. We'll later explore the positive benefits of "seeing" God.)
"Oophda," as the Norwegians would say, "I don't know if I want to view God if the result is seeing my inadequacy, my inner garbage." So often that is the life theme we live out. We don't want to look inward.

I’m reminded of John Calvin's challenge: you can't know God if you don't know self and you can’t know yourself without knowing God. And part of knowing self is to see the garbage within that needs purging – the stuff that tears down healthy self perception.
All of us tend not to look inward. We excuse it by saying “I don’t believe in naval gazing.” However, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Our natural tendency is to cover the ungodliness within by living in darkness. John describes it in John 3:19-21 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil."
Crime is more rampant in the evening hours. Darkness cloaks its activities. Men love darkness .... How would your personalize these thoughts? 1. very little self examination; 2. Too much or morbid introspection; or 2, an adequate self perception.

More on healthy self examination in Monday's post.

Search for Identity - Bonding 9

How is bonding between individuals manifested? Bonding is reflected by the way a significant other:
$ Speaks about the individual, reflecting an understanding attitude and interest about the individual.
$ Holds and touches an individual.
$ Willingly allows the individual to enter a strange environment.
$ Encourages the individual to be socially secure.
$ Encourages the individual to be self-confident.
$ Encourages the development of the individual's self concept.

$ Responds to the individual's problems:
o acceptance and coping = positive bonding
o detachment, rejection, withdrawal = negative bonding

$ Deals with the individual's problems:
o blaming, ostracizing, condemning = poor bonding
o cooperative, helpful, understanding = good bonding

What are some ways to encourage bonding?
$ Talk face to face with an individual.
$ Get on the other person's level for eye to eye contact when talking
$ Use physical touch when interacting
$ Work at meeting the "match" of the individual by encouraging him to do things for which he is ready and capable.
$ Speak in a loving, caring manner to the individual
$ Show respect for the individual
$ Interact with the individual at his level of understanding and ability
$ Listen carefully to the individual; offer empathy and understanding when he is troubled.
$ Be honest with the individual when describing or dealing with problems
$ Be supportive of the individual as he faces the harsh realities of life and becomes fearful, scared, or concerned about the future
$ Let the individual grow to be his own person by encouraging the development of independent and autonomous thinking
$ Assist the individual in becoming a good problem solver by encouraging open exploration and discussion of options and alternatives when facing problems at home, school, work, or in the community.

Origination of Healthy Self Esteem - 8

Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the: family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
$ Unconditional warmth, love, and caring
$ Acceptance for who they are;
$ Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible

$ For the environment to support the development of healthy self-esteem it must contain:
$ Recognition and acceptance of people for who they are
$ Clearly defined and enforced limits
$ Respect and latitude for individual action
$ Established freedom within the structure
$ Bonding

What is bonding? Bonding is...
$ Forming a mutual emotional attachment between an individual and a "significant other" (parent, child, friend, lover).
$ The significant other giving unconditional love to the individual.
$ Developing an emotional link between the individual and the significant other.
$ Developing a sense of security for the individual.
$ Establishing an emotional intimacy and sense of closeness between the individual and the significant other.
$ Helping the individual feel a healthy sense of identity.
$ Transmitting links between the individual and the significant other through which nonverbal communication and understanding takes place.
$ Providing the individual with a sense of belonging or being connected.
$ Bringing the individual into the larger network of caring and love present in the extended environment.
$ Concern and love of the individual by the significant other, exhibited in all aspects of the individual's life.

Mone on bonding tomorrow.

Search for Identity - an assessment - 7

Self-Esteem Assessments are fallible, however they can give us a fairly good picture of how we perceive ourselves. Have some fun with this one.

Respond with: Strongly agree; slightly agree; or disagree
1. When faced with a difficult task, I either do not try at all or give up easily. _____
2. People unjustly walk all over me. _____
3. I am careful never to depend on others. _____
4. I often find myself clinging to another person. _____
5. I rarely discuss my deepest thoughts with anyone. _____

6. I constantly seek companionship. _____
7. I seek to be alone rather than participate socially. _____
8. I tend to put myself down and exaggerate the importance of others. _____
9. I am shy and feel nervous when with others. _____
10. It makes me angry when people compare me to others who are doing better than myself. _____

11. I usually blame others for my problems. _____
12. I fear rejection and will do most anything to obtain approval. _____
13. I dwell on the unfavorable remarks and criticisms made by others. _____
14. I try to attract attention by any method that seems likely to succeed._____
15. I try to goven others. _____

16. I often try to get even with people who wrong me. _____
17. I feel satisfaction from ill news about another, even a public figure whom I do not know. _____
18. I need a sense of accomplishment at all times. _____
19. I play second fiddle too much, always a follower and never a leader, even permitting myself to be led against my will and better judgment. _____
20. I can’t accept praise without some embarrassment._____

21. I’m easily jealous. _____
22. I often boast about myself. _____
23. I am a very competitive person and must always win. I’ll even take advantage of others to win. _____
24. I find it difficult to make decisions. _____
25. I am often loud and boisterous. _____

26. I fear being different. _____
27. If I fail to get recognition, I pout._____
28. I am a perfectionist and often see myself as more capable than others. _____
29. I’m very selfish. ____
30. I don’t compliment others. _____

31. I enjoy correcting the mistakes of others._____
32. I have a difficult time making and keeping friends.
33. I often compare myself with others._____
34. I often fail. _____
35. Laziness, procrastination and lack of self-discipline are problems for me. _____

This assessment is designed to create a greater self awareness.No score is pass or fail. It would be helpful to have a close friend score you on this test also.

THREE Faces of Low Self-Esteem - 6

Continuing our series on self esteem:

Most of us have an image of what low self-esteem looks like, but it is not always so easy to recognize. Here are three common faces that low self-esteem may wear:

The Impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be "found out." Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.

The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others - especially people who are important or powerful - don't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough." Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.

The Loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships.

Do you relate to any of the three? Hang in there with me. We'll explore in the next several weeks the process of "being transformed by the renewing of the mind."