At Logger-heads

The battle began over a barn roof. After 10 years of marital bliss, (I mean a truly wonderful marriage) Theresa and I were at loggerheads. It seemed hopeless.

Our daughter and family and we are razing three old barns to get the material to build a nice barn on our property. I don’t mind heights, so I was on top of the barn pulling off the metal roofing. I felt very safe. But the rest of the party saw my Parkinson’s instability and thought otherwise. Especially Theresa. “You are not going back on that roof,” was her directive. I was mad. She was mad because I wanted to.

As our good friends Steve and Kathrena pointed out, the roof was just the tip of the iceberg.

For my part, life has provided me with “you can’t do that” challenges. My first academic dean at DSU told me that stuttering would hinder my college education. Consider not graduating. At NNC, the academic dean said, “no school would hire me to coach and teach because of stuttering. So, along with feeling I was a flawed instrument, I had two significant people endorsing that feeling. Having to prove I was a capable person has been a life-long ball and chain around my leg.

So, here was Theresa telling me I couldn’t accomplish something. Thus, she sees me as one who will do what he wants to do ( very self-centered)- no matter her feelings and that made her furious. I won’t go into her life details, but to say that fear has been an achilles heel for her all of her life. We were both stuck in our emotional do-do.

One fateful but freeing experience occurred as we shared with our daughter and husband. I asked them if they saw me as very selfish. After a short pause, Keith said, “Your wife is empty. You’re so busy with rock work and the other work that you enjoy, that you’re not filling her emotional tank.” Or words to that effect that hit me like a ton of bricks.

That experience has been a turn-around for me, as I’ve quit pointing the finger at Theresa and focused on me.. on my sin. My prayer became, “God , change my heart. I don’t want some surface behavioural change - doing the right things for her, I want a whole new perspective on her and on my relationship with her.”

I began to focus on how valuable a treasure she is to me and how I needed (and wanted) to protect and nourish that treasure.The results have been amazing, not perfect but to me, incredible.