God Listens - unless

We peaked in the horizontal window yesterday, viewing the importance of a person listening to another. Today, the vertical. God and man (woman), listening to each other.

Of utmost importance is to know that God listens to us. Genesis 23:11 tells us: But God had listened to Abraham’s request and kept Lot safe, removing him from the disaster that engulfed the cities on the plain.

New Testament thought would be Philippians 4:6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

God listens to me. He wants me to bring my petitions to Him. Whether He answers my request the way I want Him to or not, I experience peace of mind by knowing that He is listening and will give me what He knows is best for me in each situation.

In fact, Isaiah 65:24 indicates that “I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers.

God listens to us and even answers our prayers before we ask them. However, there can be a hang-up in God’s listening to me.
Isaiah 59:1-2 Listen! The Lord’s arm is not too weak to save you, nor is his ear too deaf to hear you call. It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore.
And the following verses describe the sin blockages: murder, lying, grumbling, opposing the good, lawsuits based on lies, cheating and shortchanging others.

Matthew Henry says “We cannot expect that He should countenance us while we go on to affront HIm. Consequently,there appears to be a condition that stifles communication with God. It is called unrepented sin. Psalm 66:16-20 elaborates on the topic. Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

God knows and I can see the devastation of sin in this world. God s so serious about me dealing with sin in my life, being repentant, that He says He won’t even listen to me if I have open rebellion to Him.

Listening. God does - unless….

Value of Horizontal Listening

Vertically, we’re directed, yeah commanded to listen. Proverbs chapter one has the word “listen” four times. Proverbs is called the book of wisdom and discipline. Listen to to the tenets of Proverbs and you’ll be a wiser and more disciplined person.

Jesus emphasized listening when he often said, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear” Matthew records this in 11:15; 13:9 and 43. In the last book of the Bible, The Revelation, Jesus concludes His messages to the churches with “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. (Found in Revelation, chapters two and three.)

I wonder if Jesus saw the same problem then as we see now. Listening is not a natural strength of most people. Our minds are busy. Noise detracts. Goals consume our thinking. We’d prefer talking over listening. We think ahead to what we’ll say rather than pay attention to whom we should be listening.

The question arises, “What is so important about listening?” Examine with me the horizontal – one human listening to another.

When we are listened to, something in our mental processing kicks in. Ideas grow. Creative thinking expands. We think more appropriately positive about ourselves. When I listen, people enjoy being with me. Most like to talk about themselves. Others do their thinking out loud and formulate ideas verbally. In listening I “co-create” with them.

I learn about them to build relationship. I learn from them – their mistakes not to repeat, their victories to emulate.

As we listen to our spouse, to our parents, to our children, to those we love and to those we prefer not being around, we benefit. An atmosphere of respect, trust and honor is created. In that environment affirmation, understanding, appreciation and validation is fostered. When we are truly being listened to, our self esteem ratchets up a good notch or two.

It has been said that the true listener is much more beloved than the talker, and he/she is more effective and learns more and does more good.

The value of horizontal listening. More tomorrow on “listening” - vertically

Are You Listening

We’re examining the topic “listen.” Listening to each other. Listening to God. An example of a man listening to God is found in 1 Chronicles 14:10. So David asked God, “Should I go out to fight the Philistines? Will you hand them over to me?” The Lord replied, “Yes, go ahead. I will give you the victory.”

Can we ask God personal questions today and receive an answer? Some would say, “Ray, that was Old Testament. We’re living in New Testament time. God only speaks now through His Word, the Bible. Others would disagree because the Bible tells us that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn’t change. He’ll talk to us now. And besides the New Testament’s John 10:27 quotes Jesus saying, “My sheep listen to my voice and they follow.” God speaks now.

“Are you listening ?” is a question often heard in the home, from the pulpit and in the classroom. As a stutterer who doesn’t relish speaking, I learned the fine art of listening. Listening is easier than giving me “15 minutes for a five minute conversation.”
But I’ve been challenged of late to fine tune my hearing, not only to people with whom I converse, but also vertically. Am I really in tune with God, listening to Him?

How’s your listening quotient? I must confess that in my 62 years of walking with God, I’ve never been more challenged. God actually wants to dialogue with me.
Bolster that thought with Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths. As I listen to Him, He will direct my paths!

Think of the dynamics of this concept. The Creator, the one who says in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” The One who in Romans 8;28 says He will work all things that I experience for my good. That is the God of the universe saying, “Ray, I want conversational intimacy with you so that I can bless you beyond your greatest dreams. (Ephesians 3:20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.)

Lord, I’m listening. Help me to hear! More tomorow on listening.

From Anger to "Listening"

Those of you who know me, know I stutter. And the medication I’m taking for Parkinson’s seems to exacerbate the stutter. Yet, I’m still called on to speak publically, so I thought I needed some fresh stutter jokes. Here’s one. Do you like it?

When I was a kid, one Christmas I sat on Santa’s lap. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said, “A ska – sk.a – ska- ska-skateboard. I awoke Christmas morning to find five skateboards under the tree.
Have you any others I could swipe?

I’m tired of posting “anger.” Let’s take a break. Something I’ve been studying lately is the word “listen,” prompted by John Eldredge’s book, “Walking With God.” John’s premise is that God wants to speak to us personally. So he logged a year’s experience of listening to God and compiled it into the book.

The back of the book jacket reads: “We have a lot to sort through on any given day. Am I in the right place? The right relationships? How am I going to come up with enough money to do the things I want to do? Will I have enough money? And what about love – is this the one? Am I in the right church? Should I even go to church? What is God doing in my life? All day long we are making choices. It adds up to an enormous amount of decisions in a lifetime. How do we know what to do?

“We have two options. We can trudge through on our own, doing our best to figure it all out. Or, we can walk with God. As in, learn to hear his voice. Really. We can live life with God. He offers to speak to use and guide us….”

My personal opinion is that John goes a little extreme. Asking God what color of socks he should wear that day. Well, almost. Enough said about the book. Get it but watch for the extremes.

Back to my study. First I word-searched on http://www.biblepathway.com/ and found the word “listen” mentioned 584 times in the NLT. The word “hear” is listed 1480 times. A grand total of 2064 references. Contrast this to the words “speak” and “talk: 590 times. The old adage rings true, “you have two ears and one tongue. Act accordingly.”

I then copied a significant amount of the”listen scriptures” to get a catergorical feel. Did a google search and now am beginning to put something together. I’ll share it with you in the coming posts.

But first a couple questions for you. Does God speak to you? If so, how? If you’ve developed a listening ear to God, how did you do that? What was the process? I’d appreciate and covet your comments.

Anger 17 - The Gift part 2

For many years I sat in the counselor's chair hearing the devastation of unresolved anger. Ruined health. Torn apart relationships. I didn't see the value of the gift of anger because of the overriding destructiveness of most anger.

Anger can be good news if we view the potential benefits of it. We'll finish today the gift of anger, beginning with: it can reveal a manipulative spirit.

Are you manipulating through anger to get your way? Results vary. Sometimes manipulation can achieve temporary benefits. An angry, manipulative voice can make its recipient submit to the order. The outcome is usually counterproductive, in that long lasting behavioral change rarely takes place.

Reveals guilt
This can be so subtle. The ultimate guilt situations I’ve seen are those people who have walked closely with God but in later years drift and sometimes declare “there is no God.” I found this especially true while doing research on why pastors’ children abuse drugs and alcohol.
A high percentage of these kids, even exposed to the Gospel, claimed they had no guilt during their chemical-abusive experience. Invariably, this person had wandered into a little disobedience to God’s guidelines. The wandering evolves into a considerable prodigal behavior. To justify the behavior, the person begins to question if there is God. To avoid the pang of conscious guilt, declaration is made, “There is no God.” And anger toward parents was often a camouflage, hiding the real issue - guilt.

Reveals fear
Fear of losing control of a situation.
Fear of not being in control.
Fear of losing a person’s love.
Fear of the future.
Fear of powerlessness.

Reveals distorted self esteem
Feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and insecurity are, in my opinion, the second leading cause of destructive anger. Just as an auctioneer cries out the value of an item to potential buyers, so do we esteem the value of our being, evaluating how interpersonal interchanges effect our sense of well being. Much like fear, in our insecurity we become threatened by a person or situation, triggering an anger episode.
Like the insecure husband/father who is easily angered when family doesn’t jump his hoops.



Reveals self-centeredness
The numero uno, number one, cause of unhealthy anger: I’m not getting my way at the time I desire it. Selfishness. We all have it. We all do it. For some, it grows worse during the aging process. We’ve all seen the crotchety old people who are quick to bite others’ heads off. Others mellow out, become more comfortable with themselves and life.
They’ve learned that richness of life comes from giving and not getting.
They’ve allowed the hard knocks of life to make them better instead of bitter. Selfishness diminishes with maturation. Less about which to be angry.

The gift of anger.
It’s not that we try hard not to be angry. Instead, we use our anger productively.
We can learn much about ourselves at the moment of anger or in retrospect as the flames have cooled and we think through it more logically.
What kind of anger was that?
What have I learned about myself because of it?
Am I processing it appropriately?
How will I be a better person?
How can I prepare for a similar situation in the future?

Stick with me as we move on to the next section of study, “the remedy” for anger.

Prayer:
Father, instead of denying anger, instead of feeling guilty about anger, instead of allowing anger to control me, please empower me to see anger as a gift from which I can learn and be a more productive person for others and for myself.

Anger 16 Its Gift

We are using anger as an indicator light on the dashboard, encouraging us to look under the hood. From a quarter of a century of counseling and my 67 years of living, I can comfortably say, 95% of our anger is not holy anger or healthy anger but unhealthy anger.
So how can unhealthy anger, as destructive as it is, be a signal for a person’s good? Answer: it can teach us about ourselves.

Anger often reveals how we feel and think about ourselves and how important we have made our own ideas and insight.
Anger usually has a destructive underlying issue, that once we identify, can be worked on for change. For those of us who desire personal growth, anger has something valuable to teach us.

It can help us heal.
If there is an inordinate amount of anger surfacing in a present situation or toward a particular person, chances are that we’re either experiencing a generalized stressful time and are more easily agitated or the extra amount of anger surfacing signals to us that the current person is hooking into something unresolved from the past. Face the wound. Forgive. Ask God for healing. Learn and grow through the wound.

It can reveal a threat.
The question: is this kind of anger indicating a real threat or is it imaginary? Misunderstanding another’s intentions or misinterpreting their actions, may lead to anger at an imaginary threat. The Bible says: “speak the truth in love.” It is at times appropriate to communicate something like: “What you said came across to me as a real put-down. I don’t know if you meant it that way or not. I don’t want to be angry with you. May we talk about it?”

It can reveal exaggeration
When anger has built up inside of a person, he/she tends to think in exaggerated terms that can cause undo relational conflict. Examples: “He is always late. He is never a thoughtful person.”
Though tardiness and thoughtlessness can be real problems, to use the words “always” and “never” usually inflames the communication and the exaggeration leads to greater conflict, harder to work through.

It can reveal an out-of-control lifestyle
Stress can be used productively. It can help us prepare for a test. It can heighten the senses to perform in tiptop shape. But too much stress, especially that which our culture encourages, can be very debilitating.
Many families are either single-parented or child-oriented. Most single parents are under great stress as they try to be mom and dad to the child. Parents who operate a child-oriented household usually are so involved in pleasing their children, that they have little time for themselves or for each other. The stress is great. Being easily irritated or raging over minutia is anger’s signal: bring control into your life. Rearrange your priority structure.

Reveals a hidden vow
Often the counselor hears, “I’m never going to be an angry person like my father.” This is an inner vow that is often made as a child. I don’t understand the dynamics of it, but that kind of vow seems to link that person to the perpetrator and the child becomes like the parent - angry.
An inner vow must be faced and broken by a prayer that renounces that mindset, or the anger problem will continue.

More tomorrow on the gift of anger.

Anger 15 - Value of Anger

“How can anger be a gift,” you may ask, “when a previous chapter detailed its destructiveness?”

Just as athletes do stretching exercises before a contest to better prepare themselves and to prevent injury, let’s do some mental stretching as we endeavor to grasp how anger can be a gift for our personal growth.

Anger is a Signal
Just as indicator lights on a car’s dashboard signal to the driver the motor’s dysfunction, so also, anger signals to us that something “under the hood” needs to be checked. What can I learn about myself as a result of detecting anger? What is my anger telling me about me?

Determine first the anger label
Is it “holy anger?” Healthy anger? Or is it unhealthy anger?

Holy anger
We’ve covered this quite thoroughly but briefly an holy anger test would measure: does what makes you angry, also anger God?
Is the anger rooted in a perceived injustice to myself or is it in my sensitivity to injustice toward other people?
A check point though. How do you handle holy anger? Not like Absalom, I hope. Second Samuel 13 tells the story of Amnon raping his half sister, Tamar. Her brother, Absalom “hated him with a deep hatred” and nursed that hatred for two years until he arranged for Amnon’s murder.
God certainly is angry with a man who rapes a woman. Was Absalom’s anger initially “holy” anger? Yes. Anger must be expressed, but not in an Absalom unholy way.

Our holy anger must be expressed constructively.
It becomes unholy anger if it is handled with vengeance
or harbored without doing something productive with it.

Anger Label Number Two: Healthy Anger
Like holy anger, healthy anger is an appropriate response that probably contains some holy in it. Let me explain. As mentioned in chapter one, people who have been sexually abused in childhood often carry diffused feelings about the abuse and don’t connect with an appropriate anger toward the perpetrator. The anger lies hidden within and surfaces indirectly.

A borderline healthy/unhealthy anger would be anger toward God. Healthy anger like David in the Psalms, “Where are you oh God? You’re not coming through for me.”
Pierre Wolff wrote “May I Hate God?” He says, "Our many unexpressed fears, doubts, anxieties, and resentments prevent us from tasting and seeing the goodness of the Lord. Anger and hatred which separate us from God and others, can also become the doorway to greater intimacy with God. Religious and secular taboos against expressing negative emotions evoke shame and guilt. Only be expressing our anger and resentment directly to God in prayer will we come to know the fullness of love and freedom. Only in pouring out our story of fear, rejection, hatred and bitterness can we hope to be healed.” I.E. Psa.22:1-2 My God My God why have you forsaken me….I cry out by day but you do not answer, by night and you are silent.

The more we dare to show our whole trembling self to God as did the ancients who prayed the Psalms, the more we will be able to sense that God’s love, which is perfect love, casts out our fears, purifies our thoughts and heals our hatred.
We can carry the most anger, the most resentment toward the one we love the most because they can hurt us the worst.
David, however finishes up his venting anger to God with a statement like, “Yet, I trust you, Oh God.”

So, if there is anger toward God, spill it. Then reconcile it with something like, “I don’t understand what is happening. I don’t like it. But I trust your love for me has the best in mind for me.” Anger can be a gauge of our faith in Him. As Eugene Peterson stated in Run With the Horses, “Believers argue with God. Skeptics argue with each other.”
If this tack isn’t taken, healthy anger toward God becomes an unhealthy collection of poisonous, negative thoughts about God… a skepticism, even a rebelling against him.

Holy anger. Healthy anger. Next post will be label three: unhealthy anger.

Anger 14 Recognizing subtle anger

A large percentage of people hide or deny their anger causing vocational, personal and interpersonal dysfunction that can be catastrophic in results.

The church, and society in general, often teaches us to avoid anger and especially to avoid expressing it. Hiding it can be strictly unconscious. Some folk are just not aware of packing a suitcase of anger. However, being unaware of personal anger does not mean that you are not angry. Anger that you are not aware of can be the most damaging to yourself and others close to you. It will come out somehow!
Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
King David said, “Search me, oh God.”

Let’s engage in some healthy self exploration. Remember the word “balance.”
Constant “navel-gazing” can create some terrible self-centeredness.
But no introspection leads to a myriad of “sins.”

As an athletic coach might say:
“It’s gut check time.”
The following evaluation has been adapted from my counseling experience and numerous articles and web sites. It is helpful to evaluate oneself, but sometimes more helpful to have someone close to you authentically go through the list with you. Do you have someone who could give you such a love gift?

Physical signs of Anger
Some of these have already been mentioned in a previous chapter. Remember, anger is not the only cause for the following!
Check off any of these that could apply to you.
1. Psychosomatic illness (as mentioned in the previous chapter)
2. Tone of voice gets louder or speech more rapid when discussing a controversial topic
3. Aggressively competitive even when playing for fun
4. Volcanic explosions
5. Quick to defend oneself
6. Having to be right. My way is the only way
7. Controlling others with commanding demands
8. Controlling others with guilt
9. Controlling others by physical force
10. Gossiping that harms others
11. Anger has pushed friends and loved ones away
12. Habitual lateness
13. Habitual procrastination
14. Ultra sweet politeness
15. Smiling while emotionally hurting
16. Over-controlled speaking voice
17. Sleep disturbance
18. Getting tired more easily than usual
19. Clenched jaws, teeth grinding, especially while sleeping
20. Chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles
21. Red blotches on the neck when discussing a conflict
22. Drumming with fingers
23. Shortened breath, heavy breathing
24. Stomach tightness
25. Sweaty palms
26. Rapid heart beat
27. Pounding in the head
28. Shaking uncontrollably
29. Blushing
30. Apologizing when none is asked for

Anger doesn't necesarily play a part on these outward signs, but can play a part.

Check off any of the following that could apply to you.
Emotional signs of anger
1. Envying others, especially those having a softer life
2. Misdirected anger (anger at someone with whom you should not be angry)
3. Moodiness, brooding, sullenness
4. Intolerance, impatience
5. Distrust
6. Enjoying sadistic or ironic humor
7. Critical of others who don’t agree with me
8. Withdrawal, shutting down of communication with a person
9. Easily annoyed when someone is not sensitive to my needs
10. Irritated easily at those who refuse to admit their mistakes
11. Hold grudges (don’t easily forgive when someone wrongs me)
12. I sometimes feel life is not fair.
13. I sometimes blame others for my troubles
14. Easily frustrated when things don’t go my way
15. Plotting harm against another
16. Joyless, lack of pleasure in activities
17. Tendency to be real negative
18. Frightening dreams

Again, may I repeat, these symptoms don’t always signal anger. For example, procrastination can be caused by laziness. It can be caused by fear of failure. But sometimes people use procrastination to get even, to get under the skin of someone else. It is a subtle way to express anger - often unconsciously.
The first step in considering anger is to recognize it. These two lists can be used in different manners.

As a discussion guide between two friends or family members who dare to be lovingly and encouragingly authentic with each other.
As a small group discussion guide where members have covenanted to be compassionately honest and vulnerable with each other.
As a numerical tool where a number from 1 to 10 is associated with each item.

There is no good or bad score. But a consistent high score can identify that anger is a challenge.

Anger 13 Unhealthy anger resluts

Death and bitterness have been mentioned as devastating results of unhealthy anger.. I could go on and on about the killer aspects of unresolved anger. Here are a few, mentioned briefly.

Anxiety
A young lady sat in my office, shaking. She was not afraid. Not sick. Not cold. She was angry. Having talked with her previously, I knew that her missionary parents had trained her well to bury all negative feelings: “Anger is not Christ like - stifle it.”

Rejection and bitterness, buried, began to grow. She enumerated the rejections from parents and husband. There she sat, shaking like a leaf. I had a towel in my desk. I folded and rolled it, gave it to her, and said, “This towel represents your husband’s neck.” Before she could even think of what was happening, she was grasping the towel with both hands in a wringing motion with all her strength. A couple seconds later she realized the dynamics of her action and said, “Dr. Burwick, I didn’t realize how I hated Jim.”
Her shaking stopped immediately and she began the process of resolving the angry spirit she had been carrying for years, towards parents, husband and other significant people.
Anger is the precipitator of much of our anxiety. It can also be a source for personality disorder.

Personality Disorders
The term “personality disorder” has been defined as abnormalities relating to personality traits. It usually demonstrates itself by a rigid, fixedness. Like the very rigid person who says, “No” to everything. Unresolved anger is one of many components that cause personality disorders. It is also a chief contributor to depression.

Depression
It has been said that depression is anger that has lost its enthusiasm. The intense outward feelings of rage have been muzzled and subdued, but they have gone underground, brewing their depressive stew.
There are many other causes for depression - hormone imbalance, thyroid dysfunction, side effects of some medications, stress, loss, failure, lack of sunlight, and others. However, in my experience, anger is the chief culprit.

Mental Problems
Most mental symptoms have a component of pent-up anger - obsessive compulsions, phobias, fantasies, schizophrenia and more. The list of anger related abberations would take up way too much space here. Suffice it to summarize with Dr. Theodore Rubin’s comments in his Angry Book. Briefly, he says:
“The ears receive sound waves; the eyes receive light waves that convey
messages to the brain in which is integrated information that makes us angry.
This feeling is felt by the entire body. Messages are sent out by chemical
changes in nerves so that various hormones are excreted:
heart-rate changes, the diameter of blood vessels change, and so on.
These effects in turn affect the skin, musculature, the digestive tract,
the lungs - all systems and organs of the body. Messages that are smooth and free flowing will see healthy expression; messages that are polluted will have poisonous physical repercussions.”

Recognizing anger will be our topic tomorrow.

Anger 12 Bitterness

We're looking at anger gone awry - yesterday as a hidden killer - today as Bitterness .

“The mind can move from being troubled to irritated to anger to vengefulness,” Henri Nouwen.

The reservoir of accumulated anger within us might be lying dormant, but very often it activates into grotesque, poisonous, bitter shapes, not recognizable as anger. When a root of bitterness springs to the surface, it not only destroys the person within but relationships without. It contaminates all it touches.
“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15 ).

Accumulated, dormant anger has been demonstrated as destructive by a research lab. Charlotte van Oyen Witvliet, an assistant professor of psychology at Hope College, lead a study about memories and blood pressure. When the 71 volunteers were told to recall a past hurt, tests recorded steep spikes in blood pressure, heart rate and muscle tension, the same responses that occur when people are angry. When the volunteers were challenged to imagine empathizing and even forgiving the people who had wronged them, they remained calm by comparison.
Anger can be spontaneous, but Bitterness is a choice.

S.I. McMillen, a physician skillful in writing as well as in practicing medicine, speaks of the devastating effect of bitterness turned into hatred. In “None of These Diseases”, he wrote:
“The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work and more because he even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work. The work I formerly enjoyed is now drudgery. Even vacations cease to give me pleasure. It may be a luxurious car
that I drive along a lake fringed with the autumn beauty of maple, oak and birth.
As far as my experience of pleasure is concerned, I might as well be driving
a wagon in mud and rain. The man I hate hounds me wherever I go.
I can’t escape his tyrannical grasp on my mind. When the waiter serves
me porterhouse steak with french fries, asparagus, crisp salad and
strawberry shortcake smothered with ice cream, it might as well be
stale bread and water. My teeth chew the food and I swallow it,
but the man I hate will not permit me to enjoy it.
The man I hate may be miles from my bedroom; but more cruel
than any slave driver, he whips my thoughts into such a frenzy
that my innerspring mattress becomes a rack of torture. The lowliest
of serfs can sleep, but not I. I really must acknowledge the fact that
I am a slave to every man on whom I pour the vials of my wrath.”

Bitterness may not kill the body (though it could), but it definitely kills the spirit. It kills enjoyment of life.
Next post: anger induced anxiety

Anger 11 Hidden Killer

Destructive Results of Unresolved Anger
Anger is indeed one of the main obstacles of the spiritual life. Henri Nouwen says: "The longer I am here, the more I sense how anger bars my way to God."

Besides the spiritual impact, unresolved anger releases a considerable amount of poison. From my counseling experience, it seems as if unresolved anger is the underlying cause of nearly everything wrong with us. Obviously, I am being facetious. Fear, worry, insecurity, trauma of various types, virus, birth defects, biochemical imbalance, drug abuse - all these and more can cause disease.

But as I saw my clients resolving their anger issues, I observed a significant lessening of destructive symptoms, more than with any other kind of resolution. Most depression ceases, anxiety diminishes, migraines, stomach and intestinal disorders and a host of other complaints become less intense or no problem at all.
Let’s look at one of the results of unresolved anger.

Death: With psychiatrists Minirth and Meier in Happiness is a Choice, I believe anger is probably the leading cause of death. The first example of death by murder in Scripture is that of Cain killing Abel. Jealousy prompted it. (Genesis 4:5,8)

William James tells us: “Man is the most formidable beast of prey and the only one that preys systematically on his own species,”



Examining dynamics underlying the numerous school killings, you’ll find a motivation of anger. From the terrorists of 9-11, to the road rage shooters, anger is an underlying issue. One research on homicide indicated that 90 percent of the murderers grew up with a father who was absent, brutal, alcoholic or else so passive and demeaned as to command no respect. Definitely a source of anger-related murder.

However, death by gun or exploding an airplane into a skyscraper are not the major sources of casualty. The more subtle killer is the anger within that destroys its own container.
A friend told me that his father was so angry he had choked to death. In checking with a medical doctor about this, I was told that anger can induce a vomiting episode that can cause aspiration (choking).

Suicides can often be traced to a combination of depression and anger. One client told me that a note had been found beside her husband who had shot himself in the head, reading: “I love my God. I love my country. I hate my wife. She’s a bitch.”
To understand the possible dynamics let’s look at:

Anger’s Frequent sequence:
Expectation, unfulfilled, leads to
irritation/hurt/anger; if unresolved, leads to
resentment/bitterness;if unresolved, leads to
self-pity / depression / anxiety / fears / psychosomatic disease and distorted self image; if unresolved, leads to
withdrawal; if unresolved, leads to
greater self-absorption and expectations; if unresolved, leads to a life of
chronic misery/ psychotic break and even suicide.

I could relate many suicide stories of clients who shared with me about the loss of a spouse or child who had been very angry with them. It has caused me to wonder if suicide is often the ultimate destructive expression of anger! Obviously not all suicide is anger-related. Pride drove King Saul to take his own life by sword. (1 Samuel 31:4)

John Hunter (1728-1793), an English physician, is reported to have developed angina pectoris (chest pains caused by deficient oxygenation of the heart muscles) and was one of the first to describe the symptoms. He has been quoted as saying, “My life is in the hands of any rascal who chooses to annoy and tease me.”
Violent disagreements with his colleagues that brought on the chest pains hastened his death and a heart attack finally ended his life.

According to a University of Michigan research project spanning 18 years, women who habitually stifle high levels of anger had a death rate three times higher than women who release their anger. Unresolved, unprocessed anger can cause death.

More tomorrow

Anger 10 - Hindrances to expression and resolution

Beautiful Alaska

In my opinion, anger must be expressed or it gets throttled in some manner and comes out destructive. Later, we'll speak to the issue of the how to of appropriate expression. Today we're looking at hindrances to expressing and resolving unhealthy anger.

Fear
Some of us must face the fact that if we really saw what is going on within us, we would see homicide. “Am I a monster?” we would ask ourselves. In fact, we have even allowed our feelings to surface occasionally enough to say, “I’d like to do that person physical harm!” Some of us do not like to face the monster within because of a fear that we might actually succumb to the murderous thoughts.
Other fears may be:
fear of rejection, of hurting others, of being hurt by others,
of repeating dysfunctional angry behavior modeled by a parent,
of others seeing an expression of anger as a weakness of ours.

Fear must be faced and conquered.

“Nice guy” syndrome
Nice guys and gals are uncomfortable with their anger. They believe an expression of anger will label them “unnice.” This is probably more so with women then men. Society rewards the female who covers up her anger. ”She’s a nice lady.” Often women who express anger are labeled “bitchy.”
And there are some women who use anger to try to get a spouse to change when he doesn’t want to change. She becomes at best a nag, at worst, “bitchy.” The counterproductive behavior elicits his disapproval and disrespect. She along with the “nice lady” is left helpless and powerless.

Emotional isolation
Some isolate themselves emotionally, like the person who says, “I won’t get involved. I have been hurt enough.” In order not to be hurt any more, such a person builds walls around himself. Consequently, with no emotional involvement, there is no cause for anger to flare. However, all the stored up hurt that takes on the form of mortar holding those bricks together, is covering a reservoir of unresolved anger.

Insecurity
Others say, “I must control. I must be in control of my feelings. They won’t be expressed.” The opinions of others are considered so important and since people admire a controlled person, the insecure, controlled person is hindered from resolving his anger.
Insecurity is also manifested in an inability to confront. Often, an insecure wife who has been taught to “submit” feels like a doormat. In her passivity she becomes subservient, too insecure to confront. In her dishonesty she becomes a very angry doormat at that.
Her insecurity breeds a fear of rejection. “If I tell my husband that I’m angry about what is going on, or if I tell him that he isn’t fair, he might reject me. He might even leave me.”

Christian men, who from the pulpit or from the Bible, focus on the verse “Wives submit” are insecure men. They have not only been unsuccessful at processing their own anger, but also own a significant amount of fragile maleness. A man’s insecurity relegates his wife to a lower position, giving him a sense of superiority - though a false one!
It’s interesting to note Eleanor Roosevelt’s observation, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Distorted Christianity
The last hindrance to expressing and resolving anger we’ll examine is a distorted idea about Christianity. Some say, “Christians aren’t supposed to get angry, so I can’t be angry. It’s a sin to be angry. I can’t be sanctified if I’m angry. I’m not angry. I’m just upset.”
I mentioned previously the minister who said to me, “Ray, I’m not angry. I’m just exercised!” He felt if he labeled his feelings “angry,” he would be sinning and he could not stand the fact that there might be any sin in his life.

What is your tendency? I think that when I'm not expressing and resolving an anger issue it is out of fear. Fear of being thought "less of."

In tomorrow's post we'll look at the destructiveness of unresolved, unhealthy anger.

Anger 10 - Origins of unhealthy anger

What are the sources of unhealthy anger distortions?

Anger stifled
Anger distortion has a genesis, usually in childhood when children are taught to stifle anger. Parents often tell children not to get angry with them. Or perhaps parents tell children not to hold in anger, but have threatened them with such remarks as “Let it out,
but I will knock your block off if you are disrespectful,” indicating their own disrespect.
Parents often shame an angry child by saying something like “good boys/girls don’t act like that.”

A healthy home climate is one of openness where children are allowed to tell parents of their anger. Anger can be expressed in a very dishonoring way, and parents cannot let children do that. If a parent is attacked verbally or physically, or is called names, or if hate is expressed in a disrespectful way, a child should be firmly disciplined.

An example of an honoring expression was demonstrated by 10-year-old Jason. “Mom, I’m very angry with you. You embarrassed me in front of my friends when you asked me if I had brushed my teeth. It made me feel like a little boy that mother has to watch over. The boys laughed at me later.”
Where did Jason learn this very appropriate expression of anger? He had a mother who was respectful in the way she expressed her anger to her husband and her children. A very rare person, indeed. Her biblical challenge was “Speak the truth - in love.” She was a wonderful model for those with whom she came in contact.

Stoic parent
Anger distortion is also demonstrated to the child by a stoic, or non feeling parent who says, “It’s crazy to get angry. What good does it do?” Anger gets buried, and the child is not taught how to express or resolve anger in a constructive manner.
Again, we should encourage our children to express anger constructively and politely. The child explains his position. The parent listens and explains his viewpoint. Conflict is discussed. Whether the clash is resolved or not, anger has to be dealt with biblically, as we will discuss later.
As we mature from childhood to adulthood, hindrances thwart expressing and resolving anger. We'll discuss that tomottow.

ANGER 9 Distortions part 3

We've looked at four distorted ways of handling anger. The last distortion is Venting - a lashing out, explosive means of expressing anger.

On a web site, Sera describes hers: “My anger sometimes isolates me, by ruining relationships with the very people that I love the most. It keeps me from getting close to someone when I know I really would like to know them better. It keeps me from opening up and
sharing my real feelings. Then the anger just builds up more and more until it is finally let out, and then shocks everyone, because they never knew I felt that way.

“I have a great deal of trouble letting go of my anger. I know I need to,
but it's terribly difficult to do so. I know my anger just builds up and harms
me emotionally, but still I find it hard to let go of the anger and accept that
I need to try and move on. I never know when it'll happen. One moment I
feel well, and the next my anger becomes overwhelming. Hopefully,
as time goes on, the anger will subside.”

Venting anger in a lashing out fashion is probably healthier for the body but that method of anger expression has two downsides. Relationships are certainly battered (as Sera described); and, research indicates that the more one vents anger, the stronger is the tendency to be even more angry.

Will Rogers describes venting this way: “People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.”

Anger buried, canned, transferred, camouflaged and vented - all distortions that lead to unhealthy relationships and unhealthy living in general. How do these twists come about? Where does anger distortion begin? That is our next topic.

Anger 8, Distortions part 2

We began yesterday looking at how we can distort anger through repression and suppression, rather than processing it in a healthy, constructive way. Today we begin distortions with “transference.”

Psychology calls this kind of misdirected anger, displacement. Sometimes we remove anger from the directed source because, for some reason, we are too threatened to FACE UP TO ANGER TOWARD the boss, at our spouse, or at God. We transfer the anger to a less threatening source or situation.

Transference is depicted by the man who gets angry at his boss but cannot resolve it. If he spewed out anger at work, or tried to confront his boss, he might get fired. So he takes that anger home with him and transfers it to his wife with comments like, “Why isn’t dinner ready? I thought we were going to have roast duck, but I see it’s burnt offering!” The wife receives the brunt of the man’s transferred anger and she becomes angry and may displace it on the children.

Pro basketball provides us with another example of transference. In an article written for a web site,
“Of course, sometimes, fights come out of nowhere. A guy is at home, his wife rips him for not getting her friends enough tickets in the lower bowl, and the next thing you know, the player is throwing punches. He’s angry at his wife, of course, but he is taking it out on some poor schlub just trying to get some minutes in to keep his paycheck coming for another month.”

Transference does not resolve anger, but transfers it to some less threatening object.

The fourth distorted expression of anger is camouflage. Though this distortion could be an example of repression, there appears to be a slight difference.
A barrier resides between thinking and feeling. Feelings are masked
It seems that the more intelligent people are, the more they tend to intellectualize their feelings, camouflaging their anger. For example, a brilliant young physician sat in my counseling office. His psychiatrist had told him that electro shock treatments were the only way to bring him out of his depression.
“Ray, there is no way I can have shock treatments. My practice would be ruined.” His surgical practice and brilliant mind had been his life. A rejecting wife, some professional criticism, childhood hurts, and rejections had led Dr. Sam to a deep-seated resentment that had smoldered within him for years. It had found its outlet through depression so profound that he was at the point of taking his life.
As we discussed his hurts and frustrations, the doctor was quick to make comments like, “But, I love her,” or “My parents did their best,” or ‘He couldn’t help it,” or “But look how bad I was in that situation.”
Instead of looking at the feelings of hurt, resentment, bitterness and even hate, Sam would quickly intellectualize the circumstances. Feelings were not surfaced and resolved. Anger was camouflaged - even resulting in suicidal thoughts.

One of the most frequent camouflages I hear in counseling is the statement: “I was hurt.” Invariably, the person who makes that statement is a very angry person, because the word
“hurt” is a blanket that often covers a bed of anger.
Hurt is often the initial stage of anger or is a complacent form of anger. Hurt and anger feel different, but they are flip sides of the same coin. If you are only feeling “hurt” chances are great that you are not in touch with your anger.
Other phrases I hear that camouflage anger are, “I’m a Christian, so I forgive.” “I’m sanctified. Sanctified people don’t get angry.” But all the evidence shows the person is in fact quite angry. One preacher told me, “I’m not angry. My voice is loud because I’m exercised. Only fools get angry.” I wished I had a mirror to let him see how angry his “exercised” face looked!
Camouflaging anger, so destructive to mind and body.

Our next post will discuss "venting" as a distortion.

anger 7 - Distortions

‘When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.”
(Mark Twain)

What’s Behind The Mask? We’ll look today at how anger, when not faced and processed appropriately, often becomes distorted.

Buried Anger
“I never get angry,” he said. Robert, a meticulously dressed middle-aged man sat in my office, facing not only a possible divorce but the criminal charge of attempted murder.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “everyone gets angry at times.”
“Not me,” replied Robert with a taint of pride in his voice.
Robert’s wife, Shirley, had been driving because Robert had become too intoxicated again. Shirley had criticized him for drinking and the tank exploded - Robert’s that is. He pulled a revolver out of the glove compartment and shot at her. Fortunately, in his drunken stupor his aim was poor - he missed. Robert is an example of an anger distortion called repression, or buried anger, which is an unconscious denial or non admittance of anger; the stuffing of anger into the subconscious mind.

The repressed person, who buries his anger, may say that he never gets angry. Either this person is a liar, has a poor memory, is deceiving himself, lives a very dull life, or is first in line for the first vacancy in the Trinity. Anger is a natural emotion which everyone experiences. Robert was not first in line for the first vacancy in the Trinity!

In the cases of rape with which I’m familiar, it was not sexual lust that was the prompter of the crime, but a buried resentment toward significant female figures - usually beginning with the mother. Rape was a way of gaining control of and expressing buried rage, though in such a destructive way.

Canned Anger
Similar to buried anger is canned anger - a suppressing of the anger feelings. So often I hear Christians say: “Yes sir, since I’ve become a Christian, I’d like to report to you that I’ve completely controlled my temper. I still get angry, but no one else knows about it. I keep it inside,” such a person claims, often with a look of piety and a hint of self-righteousness.
A person who is canning anger shoves it within, sits on it, covers it over, masks it, and soon may not even be aware of it.

Canned anger is often characterized by “I just put it out of my mind. I try to forget it. I take a pill or a shot of whiskey. I just laugh it off. No one is going to control me.”
But the reservoir of anger builds and the accumulated poison becomes more and more potent. Canned hostility is not necessarily hostility conquered. Hostility can be a very silent, sleeping terrorist, but the slightest provocation will bring it forth in all its ugliness. Like the lava trapped in the Mt. St. Helen's volcano, it had to flow AND OFTEN PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS of stress manifest themselves.

Maggie’s thoughts taken from a web site are:
“Anger is a funny thing. I suppose you could say that its my favorite weapon
that I use on myself. I don't have uncontrollable outbursts of anger,
I have uncontrollable ‘inbursts’ of anger. I get angry at myself and beat myself
up before it ever reaches the surface and hurts anyone else. I'm afraid of what will happen if I ‘let it fly.’ I'm afraid that I won't be a ‘good girl’ anymore.
“I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me. Even when I do get
angry at other people, I hold on to it. There's a whole lot of anger churning
around inside me, but I don't know how to get it out without hurting anyone.
I know that I'm really angry about a lot of things, I just don't know what to do
with all that anger. It just sits there like a time-bomb waiting to destroy me.”

The person who buries anger says, “I am not aware of anger,” while one (like Maggie) with canned anger says, “I’m aware of anger, but I’ll keep it under wraps. It’ll stay within me.”
In tomorrow's post we'll engage other distortions.

ANGER 6 Sources part 2

Continuing the dynamic of sources of unhealthy anger - one is Fear.

You don’t have to be insecure to be fearful. Just being out of control of a situation can raise the hackles of fear. Have you ever waited for a loved one to get home? They are late. Thirty minutes tardy creates some fear. “Are they okay. Have they had a wreck?” Sixty minutes heightens the fear. Notice how anger is rearing its head. In this case, anger is a result of fear. Out of control.
Or, as with my children, anger at Dad because of fear of being controlled by him.

Then there is Manipulative anger.
Somewhat tied to the self esteem issue are those who, not feeling strong within themselves, display anger to manipulate others to get their way.
I recall one client. He stood about six foot four, weighed nearly 300 pounds. He had a blustering demeanor that tended to make people afraid of him. When his wife would have a suggestion for the family that he didn’t like, he would just raise his voice. His size and voice reduced his wife to a position of passive doormat. He always got his way. His children learned the technique well and poor mama got it from all directions... until she got tired of eating carpet.

Through counseling, prayer and practice, she became a stronger woman, stood up to her family appropriately and all hell broke loose. For a few weeks it was not a pretty sight. It was like a family war on terror until boundaries were established and angry manipulation bombed. Peace was restored when dad and children realized their angry manipulative behavior had no payoff.

Guilt covering
Another source of anger is a denial of guilt. Or possibly, not wanting to resolve a guilt issue.
Janice was having an affair. Being brought up in the church, her moral training was definitely revealing guilt. Joe felt something was amiss, couldn’t put a finger on it but tried to discuss it with Janice. Her anger diverted hers and Joe’s attention away from the real issue - her guilty behavior. He was a peace-keeper, so Janice’s anger would shut him up.

The story didn’t end well. She left the church. Left Joe and her children. Broken hearts. Broken family. Guilty behavior was not rectified. Janice was unrepentant and began a new life. But that was not the end of the tale. Her adultery ended when her lover realized he didn’t want the responsibility of marriage. Janice lost her family, her church, peace of mind and her lover.
Anger, that camouflaged guilt, was her focus. End result: destruction.

Volcanic anger
Another source of anger is a build-up of anger that can get hooked into and come out explosive. Usually people with a “bad temper” are those who have not resolved anger in their past and it continues to build up the same way lava builds within a volcano. A current situation reminds them of a previous “abuse” that for some reason was too difficult or was unable to be resolved. The present anger is intensified by the past unresolved anger.
The combination can be a lethal redirection of all the anger to the current source.

The other cause for volcanic anger explosions is current stress. This can be internal stress, like premenstrual tension or external pressure of a tense situation. If one tends to be an angry person, prevailing stress reveals more clearly what lies within. The angry spirit is more observable.
Thus, if a person recognizes a tendency toward temper outbursts (or anger implosions where the body suffers from internalized anger), two questions can be asked.
Am I not handling current stress well and is temper revealing an angry spirit that has built up within?

Self-centeredness
The most common cause for unhealthy anger is selfishness – I’m not getting my
way at my time. Pin point the roots of most of our anger and we find selfishness.

Roots for all of our unhealthy anger:
Learned behavior,
self esteem issues,
fear,
manipulative anger,
guilt camouflage,
emotional volcanoes
self-centeredness.

Some psychological theories differ with these views of anger by adhering to a medical model believing that anger is a biological phenomenon built into the gene structure. According to this view, aggression must be released through culturally acceptable outlets and treated with medication. And, there are medications that reduce the intensity of anger. However, in my opinion, they just mask emotional issues that lie unresolved and the person “lives better chemically,”- for a while! There is a better way that we’ll examine in the next few weeks.

ANGER:Sources of Unhealthy Anger

One of my favorate works.

Anger is a thief who steals away nice moments. (Lunden)
Examine with me the sources of anger - especially unhealthy anger?

We are born angry.
Ephesians 2:3 tells us: “We started out bad, being born with evil natures,
and were under God’s anger...”
Evidence indicates that some infants are born more irritable and easily angered than others. They seem to have a low tolerance for frustration and as they grow older, seem to feel they don’t deserve inconvenience or annoyance.
Many years ago, when I was disciplining one of our children for disobedience, she said, “Daddy, if Adam hadn’t sinned, I wouldn’t be in trouble now!” Adam and Eve started the disobedience and rebellion, but we all follow on que!
We realize that our children have to be taught wholesome attitudes and behavior, and, as they obey God, He makes them “good.” We don’t have to teach them to be “bad.” That comes characteristically.

Anger develops naturally
We see the origins of anger clearly when observing a baby when it doesn’t get its way. One of our friends has an infant son who doesn’t like to lie on his stomach. When his father places him in that position, the crib becomes bedlam. The baby kicks and squirms, his face gets red, and he becomes furious because he cannot get over onto his back. Such behavior is normal and appropriate for a child, but childish temper tantrums often evolve into adults’ sophisticated anger, which frequently displays itself in self-pity and depression.

Anger is learned
Keep away from angry, short-tempered men lest you learn to be like them and endanger your soul. (Proverbs 22:24-25 TLB).
It has been said, “We become like the books we read and the people with whom we associate.”
When an angry teenager comes to my counseling office, invariably, at least one of the parents was also a very angry person. Since the parent’s anger wasn’t resolved, it was being modeled to, and learned by the children.
Do children have the right to say to their parents, “I’m angry because I’m just like you?”
Even so, the child must mature to the point that he accepts personal responsibility to “unlearn” the poor ways of expressing anger: neither acting it out nor turning it destructively inward.
That which is learned, can be unlearned and healthy patterns relearned.

Self esteem affects anger

Poor self esteem leads to self-absorption, a greater awareness of self. The more self absorbed, the greater our needs appear to be, and the greater the awareness of how circumstances affect us, leading to an awareness of "life's not fair." Anger!.
For one with poor self esteem, if things don’t go his way, he becomes fearful and threatened, perhaps even envious or hurt, all of which lead directly to anger.
My parenting is a prime example of this. I felt very insecure as a father and as a leader of the home. I felt I had to have control of everything. If a child (or my wife) questioned my decision, or didn’t follow my lead, I became threatened and angry. Though desiring to be a godly man, my godliness hadn’t penetrated my insecurity. There were times, sad to say, that I was not a pleasant fixture in the home!

Stu Weber describes insecurity-related-anger well in his book Spirit Warriors.
“Keep in mind that angry intimidation has been a stock-in-trade
military motivator for centuries. As a young officer, I’d seen leaders
blowing their stacks all the time. I thought that was just how it was done.
It always seemed to pick up the pace of whatever task was at hand.
I was even beginning to use it with my own men now and then.

“But my brigade commander, ‘the old man,’ told me something
that went completely against the grain. He said,
‘There is a place for anger, but it is rare. Commonplace, angry
displays of temper are more often than not actually a substitute
for a lack of leadership skills on the part of an insecure leader.’”

Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, poor self esteem contribute to an anger problem.
More tomorrow on sources of unhealthy anger.

Anger-4 Healthy & Unhealthy

I enjoy crafting barnwood.
Continuing our journey into anger, we move from God's holy anger to human holy anger and now to UNHEALTHY ANGER. Unhealthy anger is the type of anger that we experience most of the time. I will define it simply as “the emotional energy we experience when we don’t get our way or we feel our space is being invaded.”

Most of our anger is based in selfishness (sometimes in fear) and when we peel back the protective layers of our selfishness, we find a level of anger toward God for His failure to provide for us what we want.

For example, I’m angry at a spouse or friend who is not meeting my expectations. I give and give to the relationship and get back zip. I’m hurt and angry. That would be situational anger. But underlying the surface anger would be a most subtle anger to God. “If You are a sovereign, all-powerful God, who in Phil.4 promises to meet all my needs, then why aren’t my needs being met, God?” A discontent with life, usually is a signal of anger toward God.

RELECT WITH ME FOR A MOMENT. CAN YOU IDENTIFY A DISCONTENT IN YOUR LIFE THAT COULD REFLECT ANGER TOWARD GOD? Periodically I get frustrated with stuttering. Bottom line: God could heal me. He doesn’t. I’m ticked. This doesn’t happen very frequently but it is an attitude that can rear its ugly head at times. HOW ABOUT YOU?

The Bible has examples of unhealthy anger: God accepted Abel’s offering, not Cain’s. Result? Cain - jealous and angry, murdered his brother. Esau carelessly gave his birthright to Jacob, his brother. He became angry and plotted Jacob’s death.

Unhealthy anger is not complicated. Simply, if I have an expectation that is not being fulfilled, I get mad. Expectations are premeditated resentments!


HEALTHY ANGER
There is an anger that would be classified neither holy nor unhealthy. Healthy anger is an appropriate anger response toward a source of abuse.
So frequently in the counseling office I encountered a client who was therapeutically stuck. Usually trapped in a depression or in a destructive compulsive behavior. Invariably, freedom came when the client allowed herself to face and resolve the rage within from being sexually abused. Sexual abuse anger is so frequently buried. Obscuring thought processes that help bury the anger sound like this: “It wasn’t that bad.” “It didn’t really happen.” “It was my fault.” “But he was my dad. I love him.”

The hurt, the pain, the anger is buried (repressed). For personal growth, for release from the bondage, healthy and appropriate anger directed toward the abuser must be faced and expressed in some healthy manner. The process will be explained later.


I was sexually abused at the age of 12 at a summer camp. “I felt a little guilty because something didn’t feel right, but I enjoyed the physical pleasure and the attention the camp counselor gave me. This counselor reached out to me, took the initiative to express what I thought was love to me. For years I didn’t realize the negative effects on my sexual relationship with my wife. At the age of 55, I finally put it all together and became very angry at the camp counselor for using me for his pleasure. Healthy anger! But it had to be expressed in some acceptable manner. This will be discussed later.

HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED A HEALTHY ANGER?

May I suggest keeping an anger log, jotting down each day’s anger episodes. Label it: holy, healthy or unhealthy. Learn more about anger and you. You might also consider memorizing I Timothy 2:8 I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing.

Tomorrow we'll look at sources of anger.

Happy July 4th

Freedom to fish!

AS I began my day today realizing it was the fourth of July, I was overwhelmed with an attitude of gratitude. FREEDOM! Not only as a country, but personal. Probably my greatest freedom is the awareness of God's grace and empowerment that progressively frees me from weights that hold me down - self sufficiency, pride, fear, self-centeredness, resentments and the list goes on and on!

I like the way Christ gently points out an area that needs change or growth and then encourages me to repent and seek Him for power to make that change. This week it was back to that old nemisis: spiritual pride. Self indulgent pride is ugly, superceded only by spiritual pride.

Oh, it's not as prevalent as before. There's been a lot of breaking down of that stronghold the last few years. But it reared its ugly head this week in the arena of church leadership. Pride, according to Nancy Leigh DeMoss, is evident when "you have a subconscious feeling of 'this ministry/church is priviledged to have me and my gifts. Think of what I can do for God.'"

My pastor, Kent Conrad who I deeply respect, and I were discussing ministry and it was like a neon sign lit up before my eyes flashing "pride." I shared that insight with him and we prayed repentance.

FREEDOM! Free from the inner pressure that pride produces. There will be more later, but the intensity and frequency is abating. Praise the Lord!

Gratitude for freedom about which we are reminded on the fourth of July! Happy and grateful Fourth to you.

Journey into Anger 3 Human holy anger

Alaska is beautiful!!!

Anger has many faces. We glanced at God’s holy anger in yesterday’s post. Today we begin with human holy anger. Some call it righteous indignation. 1 Samuel 11:6 tells us: When Saul heard their words, the Spirit of God came upon him in power, and he burned with anger.

There are occasions in which righteous anger is justified by God. It is a type of anger that does not lead to sin, but fulfills God's purposes. Oz Hillman writes: Saul had just been crowned as the new king of Israel. His first battle was upon him, and he had to bring a new nation together to fight the Ammonites. The Spirit of God fell on Saul and resulted in righteous anger against God's enemies. God led him to send an unusual "direct-mail" package to all the regions where the people lived. He cut up pieces of oxen and sent the pieces throughout Israel with a warning-"Join the army or your oxen will be as these!"

Sometimes God uses strong measures to accomplish His purposes. In this case, fear and intimidation were used to motivate the army of God to be as one. God must have felt this is what was needed to drive this army to become a unified force.

Moses demonstrated God-type anger.. He was angry at the Pharaoh for not letting the Israelites free from bondage. (Exodus 11) Moses was also angry at the Israelites when they worshipped a golden calf. That anger resulted in the literal physical breaking of the commandment tablets. (Exodus 32) Notice, this was not a selfishness induced anger.

Paul demonstrated a holy anger when Elymas, the sorcerer, tried to interfere with Paul’s message of Christ to Sergius Paulus. Acts 13:9-11:

Rarely is our anger “holy” like that of Moses or Paul. I recall one of the few times my anger could be labeled “holy.”

My nine-year old son and I were walking in a mall where one of the shop windows displayed a provocative poster of a scantily clad female. It was definitely a testosterone teaser. I felt I could handle it with a disciplined mind, but to throw a youngster into that pictorial slime-pit was unfair to him and to other children seeing the poster. I walked into the store, explained my position to the store manager and he invited me to leave, saying, “That is one of our best money makers. I’m not taking it down.”
The anger propelled me to the mall manager where I calmly explained my concerns. The following day, the poster was gone. Holy anger expressed brought positive results. (That was a rare experience for me. Usually my anger is described in the next section - unhealthy anger.)
A holy anger to abortion doctors has resulted in the beginnings of many homes for unwed mothers. Of course, there is holy anger gone awry, where abortion doctors have been murdered.

CAN YOU THINK OF A SITUATION IN WHICH YOU WERE ANGRY AND YOU COULD LABEL IT HOLY ANGER?

Unhealthy anger will be examined in tomorrow's post. That is the kind I usually have (and I suspect you do also.)

Journey into Anger 2

Beautiful Gulkana River near Glenallen, Alaska

Continuing our journey into understanding and healthfully dealing with anger, lets look at its definition. Anger has been defined in many ways. This is one of the better definitions:

Anger is an emotional response to a perceived wrong or injustice. As with
other emotions, physiological and biological changes result. (Increase is seen in blood pressure, adrenaline, heart rate and other biochemical responses.)
Simplified, anger is experienced when expectations are unfulfilled or when there is a sense of threat – an invasion of my space.

THINK BACK TO ONE OF THE LAST TIMES YOU WERE ANGRY. WAS YOUR SPACE INVADED OR AN EXPECTATION UNFULFILLED (YOU DIDN’T GET YOUR WAY)?

From definition we move to delineation or types of anger. As I reflect on my personal and professional experiences with anger, it seems that there are four kinds of anger, all needing a unique definition.
· The anger that God displayed in the Old Testament and the anger of Christ in the

New Testament. Call it “holy anger.”
· Man’s holy anger.
· An unhealthy anger.
· A healthy and appropriate anger of humans

1. GOD’S (HOLY) ANGER
God’s anger is depicted many places in Scripture. It is best summarized in Romans 2:5-8:
“But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart,
you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath,
when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God
‘will give to each person according to what he has done.’
To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor
and immortality, he will give eternal life.
But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth
and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.”

Nelson’s New Illustrated Bible Dictionary tells us, “God’s wrath is an expression of His holy love. If God is not a God of wrath, His love is no more than frail, worthless sentimentality; the concept of mercy is meaningless; and the Cross was a cruel and unnecessary experience for His Son.”

Previous generations heard much about God’s judgment and wrath. “Sinners in the hands of an angry God.” Revival meetings often ended with an injunction that went something like, “Come to the altar. Get saved now because you don’t know if when you leave this building, you’ll get run over by a truck and end up in hell.”

We’ve flip-flopped and now very little is heard about sin, hell and God’s wrath. There is a healthy balance between the two perspectives – His grace and mercy in contrast to His wrath.
Could God’s holy anger be comparable, though simplistically, to a daddy saying to his child who had just run out into the street without looking for approaching cars? “Because you disobeyed me, I must cause you some pain to help you remember not to run out into the street and receive the ultimate pain of getting hit by a car.” A painful discipline follows.

This is obviously a simplistic observation of God’s anger, but this is not an in-depth theology presentation. Let’s leave the definition of His anger as an emotion and an action against His children who are stubborn and unrepentant, designed to bring repentance and reconciliation.

Tomorrow we’ll look at human holy anger.

A Journey into Anger

May I invite you to join me on an “angry journey.” Hike with me as we begin the trek by examining the many faces of anger.

For example, there is the contrast between irritation, anger, and rage. Irritation is best demonstrated when I call a random phone number at 1 a.m. and ask “is Ray there?” A sleepy, irritated voice responds with something like, “You’ve got the wrong number, and hangs up.” That’s an example of irritation. Anger is exhibited when at 2 a.m. I call the same number and ask again for Ray. I may get a few expletives and the phone slammed down in my ear. That’s anger. Rage is the response when at 3 a.m. I call the same number and say, “This is Ray. Have I had any calls?” Irritation, anger, rage.

HOW DOES YOUR ANGER EXPRESS ITSELF? Mine tends to simmer.

In over a quarter century of counseling, I have found that unresolved anger is the leading killer of happiness, health, joy and relationships. As I observed clients resolve their resentments, I saw them become free to be whole and happy. Less illness. Less depression. Less relational conflicts.

Obviously there are other issues faced in counseling: distorted self esteem, guilt, fears, bio-chemical imbalance and so on. However, in my experience, anger resolved has been the leading cause of freedom and wholeness. From that you can know that I don’t believe in anger management, but anger resolution.

Most of us won’t experience the anger demonstrated by the tall, fifteen-year-old boy, well mannered but shy, who stood in front of his grandmother and calmly shot her to death. He was quoted as saying, “I just wondered how it would feel to shoot grandma.” He also shot his grandfather. Was incarcerated. Set free after 6 years and proceeded to murder and dismember six young girls plus killing his mother and one of her friends.

Or, pick up the June 16, 2006 Idaho Press-Tribune and be hit with a two inch full width headline “GRUESOME DAY.” The story tells of how a Nampa man, facing a domestic violence court date, kills his x-wife, decapitating her, throws her head in the back of his pick-up, heads down I-84 and purposely runs into an approaching car head-on, killing a mother and child and sending another child to the hospital.
The following day’s newspaper headline reads, “VIOLENCE SHATTERS LIVES.”

You and I would have difficulty relating to that kind of anger or the rage of the previously mentioned 15-year old boy. Or its hard for us to relate with the fact that 4000 women are killed yearly by a husband or boyfriend. We’ll explore together the more subtle kinds of anger expression along with learning about holy anger, healthy anger, destructive anger and how anger can even be a benefit to us.

Explosive anger is “harmful to our health.” You may explode to the wrong person and his anger could do you bodily harm. Or an explosive temper could cause many physical symptoms. However, hidden or unrecognized anger is by far the most devastating anger, causing most destructive symptoms physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and relationally.

The Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier addressed hidden anger when he said,
“Violence is in the heart of all men, but we all have an inbuilt resistance to recognizing it as a thing that concerns us.”

As we walk together on this journey of anger can ask ourselves, “Does this anger material apply to me? Can I see anger in myself? Could I be an angry person and not even realize it?”