We began yesterday looking at how we can distort anger through repression and suppression, rather than processing it in a healthy, constructive way. Today we begin distortions with “transference.”Psychology calls this kind of misdirected anger, displacement. Sometimes we remove anger from the directed source because, for some reason, we are too threatened to FACE UP TO ANGER TOWARD the boss, at our spouse, or at God. We transfer the anger to a less threatening source or situation.
Transference is depicted by the man who gets angry at his boss but cannot resolve it. If he spewed out anger at work, or tried to confront his boss, he might get fired. So he takes that anger home with him and transfers it to his wife with comments like, “Why isn’t dinner ready? I thought we were going to have roast duck, but I see it’s burnt offering!” The wife receives the brunt of the man’s transferred anger and she becomes angry and may displace it on the children.
Pro basketball provides us with another example of transference. In an article written for a web site,
“Of course, sometimes, fights come out of nowhere. A guy is at home, his wife rips him for not getting her friends enough tickets in the lower bowl, and the next thing you know, the player is throwing punches. He’s angry at his wife, of course, but he is taking it out on some poor schlub just trying to get some minutes in to keep his paycheck coming for another month.”
“Of course, sometimes, fights come out of nowhere. A guy is at home, his wife rips him for not getting her friends enough tickets in the lower bowl, and the next thing you know, the player is throwing punches. He’s angry at his wife, of course, but he is taking it out on some poor schlub just trying to get some minutes in to keep his paycheck coming for another month.”
Transference does not resolve anger, but transfers it to some less threatening object.
The fourth distorted expression of anger is camouflage. Though this distortion could be an example of repression, there appears to be a slight difference.
A barrier resides between thinking and feeling. Feelings are masked
It seems that the more intelligent people are, the more they tend to intellectualize their feelings, camouflaging their anger. For example, a brilliant young physician sat in my counseling office. His psychiatrist had told him that electro shock treatments were the only way to bring him out of his depression.
“Ray, there is no way I can have shock treatments. My practice would be ruined.” His surgical practice and brilliant mind had been his life. A rejecting wife, some professional criticism, childhood hurts, and rejections had led Dr. Sam to a deep-seated resentment that had smoldered within him for years. It had found its outlet through depression so profound that he was at the point of taking his life.
As we discussed his hurts and frustrations, the doctor was quick to make comments like, “But, I love her,” or “My parents did their best,” or ‘He couldn’t help it,” or “But look how bad I was in that situation.”
Instead of looking at the feelings of hurt, resentment, bitterness and even hate, Sam would quickly intellectualize the circumstances. Feelings were not surfaced and resolved. Anger was camouflaged - even resulting in suicidal thoughts.
A barrier resides between thinking and feeling. Feelings are masked
It seems that the more intelligent people are, the more they tend to intellectualize their feelings, camouflaging their anger. For example, a brilliant young physician sat in my counseling office. His psychiatrist had told him that electro shock treatments were the only way to bring him out of his depression.
“Ray, there is no way I can have shock treatments. My practice would be ruined.” His surgical practice and brilliant mind had been his life. A rejecting wife, some professional criticism, childhood hurts, and rejections had led Dr. Sam to a deep-seated resentment that had smoldered within him for years. It had found its outlet through depression so profound that he was at the point of taking his life.
As we discussed his hurts and frustrations, the doctor was quick to make comments like, “But, I love her,” or “My parents did their best,” or ‘He couldn’t help it,” or “But look how bad I was in that situation.”
Instead of looking at the feelings of hurt, resentment, bitterness and even hate, Sam would quickly intellectualize the circumstances. Feelings were not surfaced and resolved. Anger was camouflaged - even resulting in suicidal thoughts.
One of the most frequent camouflages I hear in counseling is the statement: “I was hurt.” Invariably, the person who makes that statement is a very angry person, because the word
“hurt” is a blanket that often covers a bed of anger.
Hurt is often the initial stage of anger or is a complacent form of anger. Hurt and anger feel different, but they are flip sides of the same coin. If you are only feeling “hurt” chances are great that you are not in touch with your anger.
Other phrases I hear that camouflage anger are, “I’m a Christian, so I forgive.” “I’m sanctified. Sanctified people don’t get angry.” But all the evidence shows the person is in fact quite angry. One preacher told me, “I’m not angry. My voice is loud because I’m exercised. Only fools get angry.” I wished I had a mirror to let him see how angry his “exercised” face looked!
Camouflaging anger, so destructive to mind and body.
“hurt” is a blanket that often covers a bed of anger.
Hurt is often the initial stage of anger or is a complacent form of anger. Hurt and anger feel different, but they are flip sides of the same coin. If you are only feeling “hurt” chances are great that you are not in touch with your anger.
Other phrases I hear that camouflage anger are, “I’m a Christian, so I forgive.” “I’m sanctified. Sanctified people don’t get angry.” But all the evidence shows the person is in fact quite angry. One preacher told me, “I’m not angry. My voice is loud because I’m exercised. Only fools get angry.” I wished I had a mirror to let him see how angry his “exercised” face looked!
Camouflaging anger, so destructive to mind and body.
Our next post will discuss "venting" as a distortion.
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