Anger 10 - Hindrances to expression and resolution

Beautiful Alaska

In my opinion, anger must be expressed or it gets throttled in some manner and comes out destructive. Later, we'll speak to the issue of the how to of appropriate expression. Today we're looking at hindrances to expressing and resolving unhealthy anger.

Fear
Some of us must face the fact that if we really saw what is going on within us, we would see homicide. “Am I a monster?” we would ask ourselves. In fact, we have even allowed our feelings to surface occasionally enough to say, “I’d like to do that person physical harm!” Some of us do not like to face the monster within because of a fear that we might actually succumb to the murderous thoughts.
Other fears may be:
fear of rejection, of hurting others, of being hurt by others,
of repeating dysfunctional angry behavior modeled by a parent,
of others seeing an expression of anger as a weakness of ours.

Fear must be faced and conquered.

“Nice guy” syndrome
Nice guys and gals are uncomfortable with their anger. They believe an expression of anger will label them “unnice.” This is probably more so with women then men. Society rewards the female who covers up her anger. ”She’s a nice lady.” Often women who express anger are labeled “bitchy.”
And there are some women who use anger to try to get a spouse to change when he doesn’t want to change. She becomes at best a nag, at worst, “bitchy.” The counterproductive behavior elicits his disapproval and disrespect. She along with the “nice lady” is left helpless and powerless.

Emotional isolation
Some isolate themselves emotionally, like the person who says, “I won’t get involved. I have been hurt enough.” In order not to be hurt any more, such a person builds walls around himself. Consequently, with no emotional involvement, there is no cause for anger to flare. However, all the stored up hurt that takes on the form of mortar holding those bricks together, is covering a reservoir of unresolved anger.

Insecurity
Others say, “I must control. I must be in control of my feelings. They won’t be expressed.” The opinions of others are considered so important and since people admire a controlled person, the insecure, controlled person is hindered from resolving his anger.
Insecurity is also manifested in an inability to confront. Often, an insecure wife who has been taught to “submit” feels like a doormat. In her passivity she becomes subservient, too insecure to confront. In her dishonesty she becomes a very angry doormat at that.
Her insecurity breeds a fear of rejection. “If I tell my husband that I’m angry about what is going on, or if I tell him that he isn’t fair, he might reject me. He might even leave me.”

Christian men, who from the pulpit or from the Bible, focus on the verse “Wives submit” are insecure men. They have not only been unsuccessful at processing their own anger, but also own a significant amount of fragile maleness. A man’s insecurity relegates his wife to a lower position, giving him a sense of superiority - though a false one!
It’s interesting to note Eleanor Roosevelt’s observation, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Distorted Christianity
The last hindrance to expressing and resolving anger we’ll examine is a distorted idea about Christianity. Some say, “Christians aren’t supposed to get angry, so I can’t be angry. It’s a sin to be angry. I can’t be sanctified if I’m angry. I’m not angry. I’m just upset.”
I mentioned previously the minister who said to me, “Ray, I’m not angry. I’m just exercised!” He felt if he labeled his feelings “angry,” he would be sinning and he could not stand the fact that there might be any sin in his life.

What is your tendency? I think that when I'm not expressing and resolving an anger issue it is out of fear. Fear of being thought "less of."

In tomorrow's post we'll look at the destructiveness of unresolved, unhealthy anger.

Anger 10 - Origins of unhealthy anger

What are the sources of unhealthy anger distortions?

Anger stifled
Anger distortion has a genesis, usually in childhood when children are taught to stifle anger. Parents often tell children not to get angry with them. Or perhaps parents tell children not to hold in anger, but have threatened them with such remarks as “Let it out,
but I will knock your block off if you are disrespectful,” indicating their own disrespect.
Parents often shame an angry child by saying something like “good boys/girls don’t act like that.”

A healthy home climate is one of openness where children are allowed to tell parents of their anger. Anger can be expressed in a very dishonoring way, and parents cannot let children do that. If a parent is attacked verbally or physically, or is called names, or if hate is expressed in a disrespectful way, a child should be firmly disciplined.

An example of an honoring expression was demonstrated by 10-year-old Jason. “Mom, I’m very angry with you. You embarrassed me in front of my friends when you asked me if I had brushed my teeth. It made me feel like a little boy that mother has to watch over. The boys laughed at me later.”
Where did Jason learn this very appropriate expression of anger? He had a mother who was respectful in the way she expressed her anger to her husband and her children. A very rare person, indeed. Her biblical challenge was “Speak the truth - in love.” She was a wonderful model for those with whom she came in contact.

Stoic parent
Anger distortion is also demonstrated to the child by a stoic, or non feeling parent who says, “It’s crazy to get angry. What good does it do?” Anger gets buried, and the child is not taught how to express or resolve anger in a constructive manner.
Again, we should encourage our children to express anger constructively and politely. The child explains his position. The parent listens and explains his viewpoint. Conflict is discussed. Whether the clash is resolved or not, anger has to be dealt with biblically, as we will discuss later.
As we mature from childhood to adulthood, hindrances thwart expressing and resolving anger. We'll discuss that tomottow.