WHAT A TRIP

Wow, what a wild ride. The journey began a few months ago when I shared with you the challenge God had leveled at me from James 1:2-8 – Rejoice in the tough times. Don’t try to squirm out of your challenges. See them as building blocks for personal growth.

 CONFESSION TIME! I AM STILL STRUGGLING with this sin in my life. Some would say “this isn’t sin” To which I say, ”bull durham! Anything  I’m not cooperating with in what   God commands is sin.

               I have often said, “Before you can see personal growth, you must first see what needs growth.” And it is amazing the lengths to which God will engineer events to accomplish this task. For me major surgeries in the past few months; increased Parkinson’s symptoms, especially since the brain surgery (DBS), standing and walking balance has gone kaput; Double Hernia surgery last week; stuttering blockages are longer and more prolific. I’m even stuttering when speaking with our dog now.  Theresa and I have squabbled more in the last few months than in our first 11 years of marriage; the continual leg and foot pain from the ATV accident two years ago;  and just the jostling of everyday life.

All this ordained by the Lord to make me aware of my need for HIM TO LIVE  HIS life through me  and to face ungodly attitudes and thought process that made me less of a person than I want to be. Or, I can get into self pity and resentment toward God. And that has been my M.O. Not  proud of it at all. ‘but in the past, I’ve had to learn a lesson myself before I could teach it. ‘     

I’m far  from getting a “passing grade”.  That’s why you haven’t heard from me for 7 months. I’ve holed up like the former LA cop wanted for murder. Withdrawn!

Some would say I have a wrong view of God. He doesn’t cause evil or the kind of things I am referring to. My argument is “God is sovereign – all powerful. He may not have caused these things but He certainly could have prevented them.” Bottom line: God is in charge working in all things for my good.

               I knew that in my head, but hadn’t internalized sufficiently to prevent anger at God and becoming cynical about prayer. “ Who am I to be mad at God – Who knows all about me – what is best for me, etc.”

  Those of us who desire to be strong Christians, at times find it difficult to see our sins of attitude that prompts our  two-faced behavior. Mine? Pride. Selfcenteredness – prompted by insecurities. Fear, among a host of others. How do I typically deal with such?   I can even hide from myself through hard work, keeping busy – even good church activities can provide an escape for us when we don’t want to face debilitating insolences within.

The most interesting event took place after one of the surgeries. MY family and friends say I “lost my mind.” Like one that flew over the cuckoo’s nest. I was out of it – for a week. Reaching for things that were hanging in the air – that weren’t really there; displaying venomous anger to my mother who has been dead four years and displacing it on Theresa. I saw strange creatures interacting with me, yelling at them because I thought they were of the devil. (I can still remember that component.) One week of this craziness and I snapped out of it. Why? What happened to trigger it or what caused me to snap out of it. Don’t know. The doctors don’t either.

               When trying to figure out what happened, one doctor thought it could have been triggered by lack of sleep and some speculation on the side effects of the pain medication I was taking at the time. Our children were so afraid that I wouldn’t come back that they began looking for a nursing home that would accommodate me. If you were encouraged to pray for me at that time – THANKS! I must again confess that I have become bitter toward God and cynical about praying for my physical issues. There appears to be many miraculous, Scriptural promises I should be enjoying. Nada. Nothing.  Three more major surgeries in three months. I carry my “bathroom” with me  - a catheter.) The stuttering and Parkinson’s and much more. “God, why don’t you do something about this?” Now I’m sure there are people worse off than I  am. But it would sure be nice if I could be free of some of this pain - emotional and physical.

               It seems as if God is saying to me as He did about Lazarus in John 11, ”Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. NO, this is for the glory of God. I will receive glory through this.”

               Now, I can’t see how God is receiving any glory through all this. If I could, I wouldn’t have to resist depression so hard. What keeps me going is that I know God loves me (though it doesn’t feel like it at times). And a portion of that love is “tough love.” A love that stirs up my comfort zone – making me more aware of that which needs change in my life for growth in Him. …self-centerednesss, insecurity, spiritual pride, seeking approval through performance – all must be gone if I’m going to experience the Christ-life. Filled with His joy, peace of mind and contentment. Focus on God and others. Not on myself.

What are you facing about yourself that needs growth? We can face our weaknesses and not be over-whelmed by them because God is in the life-changing business. He doesn’t  condemn us or judge us. He lovingly says,”Don’t hang on to that wrong (sinful attitude or behavior.) It is hurting you and others close to you. Repent. Let’s work on getting rid of it.” 

More tomorrow.