"DEEPER DEATH"

Piggy-backing on yesterday's blog, if you didn't read Russ's comment, you'd get a kick out of his humor and his high level challenge to me.

As I re-read a description of my identity crisis shown in yesterday's blog, it appears that God may have me on a fast track to what some people call a "deeper death." Death to self-focus to be more God and others centered. Os Hillman describes it well in his blog

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life" (John 12:24-26).

God is all about your death so that HIS success can be realized through you! This is why the Church is having such little impact - there are too many believers who have not yet died to their old nature so that Christ can live fully through them. When believers come to the end of themselves they will lose their lives to Him and live through the power of the Holy Spirit and begin to see the reality of a living gospel that impacts lives, workplaces, cities and nations.

"Much of modern Christian enterprise is 'Ishmael.' Born not of God, but of an inordinate desire to do God's will in our own way - the one thing our Lord never did," said Oswald Chambers. The psalmist describes what it means to live in our own strength:

"Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for he grants sleep to those he loves" (Ps 127:1-2).

How does one die so that Christ can be our all and all? It usually takes a crisis of significant proportions for most people to relinquish the control of their lives. It means we come to the end of ourselves and our striving to control the events in our lives and we finally come to the place where we can say, "Lord, I surrender. Please take full control of my life."

Death loss

At 68 years of age, the author of this blogsite is looking back at a life highlighted by seeking approval and recognition. God has been good to me in allowing for that to be accomplished in various venues of my life from sports to counseling to ministry. However, the comfort zone was blasted in 1999 when I felt lead to leave Birmingham and take a position as basketball coach, associate professor of psychology and counselor at a Christian college. My loss: community status, friends, church and a healthy counseling practice. Result of the move: within three months, the loss of my wife, Ann, through a brain aneurysm; within one year, unjustly fired by the college; a move across country to Portland where isolation reigned, especially for the first two years; family rejection; God’s silence - it felt like He was nowhere around. Another move, this time to Nampa, Idaho where we now live. Starting all over in another new location. How can there be gain through all of that loss?
The death of Ann. Gain? For her, yes. She's walking the streets of gold singing in even more perfect pitch than she had here. No more pain. She is Rejoicing. To her family, not gain, but pain. She was the glue that held us together. There are some gaping family wounds. However, we must remind ourselves of Romans 8:28 that tells us that all things work together for good as we cooperate with God. A "good" for me that has come out of Ann's death is the

• awareness of God's care at the deepest level I had ever experienced. When I was hurting the most, He came the closest. It has been said that you don't know all you need is Jesus until Jesus is all you have.


• awareness I gained regarding the significance of friendships. All of a sudden achievement-oriented recognition and approval paled in contrast to building relationships. The greatest commandment is not perform - but LOVE.

I am blessed with another great wife, Theresa, with her two children and their nine children. My involvement with people now seems to be focused on encouraging and building others up. I'm enjoying the more relaxed relational lifestyle instead of playing the game of "look at me. See how good I am." Solitude has become more appealing to me. As Henri Nouwen states, “Solitude is the place of purification and transformation, the place of the great struggle and the great encounter. It is the place where Christ remodels us in His own image and frees us from the victimizing compulsions of the world.” (The Way of the Heart.) To that end I look to a fruitful old age with expectancy, hope and joy - to His glory.

Loss. Pain. Gain ray burwick