March Madness Year around

The young man kneeling is my grandson, Dominick Scoleri, Orlando, that justs finished a perfect season - no losses and final tourney champs. He was MVP. Why does  that excite me? He's got my blood. And though I'm approaching 75, I continued to play until  Parkinson's put an end to that.(Which sent me to the showers after my 3 on 3 Alabama State championship, 60 and older victory.)

 If Dominick aka Dom the Dominator, keeps his  priorities right, he will be a great one.

WHAT A TRIP

Wow, what a wild ride. The journey began a few months ago when I shared with you the challenge God had leveled at me from James 1:2-8 – Rejoice in the tough times. Don’t try to squirm out of your challenges. See them as building blocks for personal growth.

 CONFESSION TIME! I AM STILL STRUGGLING with this sin in my life. Some would say “this isn’t sin” To which I say, ”bull durham! Anything  I’m not cooperating with in what   God commands is sin.

               I have often said, “Before you can see personal growth, you must first see what needs growth.” And it is amazing the lengths to which God will engineer events to accomplish this task. For me major surgeries in the past few months; increased Parkinson’s symptoms, especially since the brain surgery (DBS), standing and walking balance has gone kaput; Double Hernia surgery last week; stuttering blockages are longer and more prolific. I’m even stuttering when speaking with our dog now.  Theresa and I have squabbled more in the last few months than in our first 11 years of marriage; the continual leg and foot pain from the ATV accident two years ago;  and just the jostling of everyday life.

All this ordained by the Lord to make me aware of my need for HIM TO LIVE  HIS life through me  and to face ungodly attitudes and thought process that made me less of a person than I want to be. Or, I can get into self pity and resentment toward God. And that has been my M.O. Not  proud of it at all. ‘but in the past, I’ve had to learn a lesson myself before I could teach it. ‘     

I’m far  from getting a “passing grade”.  That’s why you haven’t heard from me for 7 months. I’ve holed up like the former LA cop wanted for murder. Withdrawn!

Some would say I have a wrong view of God. He doesn’t cause evil or the kind of things I am referring to. My argument is “God is sovereign – all powerful. He may not have caused these things but He certainly could have prevented them.” Bottom line: God is in charge working in all things for my good.

               I knew that in my head, but hadn’t internalized sufficiently to prevent anger at God and becoming cynical about prayer. “ Who am I to be mad at God – Who knows all about me – what is best for me, etc.”

  Those of us who desire to be strong Christians, at times find it difficult to see our sins of attitude that prompts our  two-faced behavior. Mine? Pride. Selfcenteredness – prompted by insecurities. Fear, among a host of others. How do I typically deal with such?   I can even hide from myself through hard work, keeping busy – even good church activities can provide an escape for us when we don’t want to face debilitating insolences within.

The most interesting event took place after one of the surgeries. MY family and friends say I “lost my mind.” Like one that flew over the cuckoo’s nest. I was out of it – for a week. Reaching for things that were hanging in the air – that weren’t really there; displaying venomous anger to my mother who has been dead four years and displacing it on Theresa. I saw strange creatures interacting with me, yelling at them because I thought they were of the devil. (I can still remember that component.) One week of this craziness and I snapped out of it. Why? What happened to trigger it or what caused me to snap out of it. Don’t know. The doctors don’t either.

               When trying to figure out what happened, one doctor thought it could have been triggered by lack of sleep and some speculation on the side effects of the pain medication I was taking at the time. Our children were so afraid that I wouldn’t come back that they began looking for a nursing home that would accommodate me. If you were encouraged to pray for me at that time – THANKS! I must again confess that I have become bitter toward God and cynical about praying for my physical issues. There appears to be many miraculous, Scriptural promises I should be enjoying. Nada. Nothing.  Three more major surgeries in three months. I carry my “bathroom” with me  - a catheter.) The stuttering and Parkinson’s and much more. “God, why don’t you do something about this?” Now I’m sure there are people worse off than I  am. But it would sure be nice if I could be free of some of this pain - emotional and physical.

               It seems as if God is saying to me as He did about Lazarus in John 11, ”Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. NO, this is for the glory of God. I will receive glory through this.”

               Now, I can’t see how God is receiving any glory through all this. If I could, I wouldn’t have to resist depression so hard. What keeps me going is that I know God loves me (though it doesn’t feel like it at times). And a portion of that love is “tough love.” A love that stirs up my comfort zone – making me more aware of that which needs change in my life for growth in Him. …self-centerednesss, insecurity, spiritual pride, seeking approval through performance – all must be gone if I’m going to experience the Christ-life. Filled with His joy, peace of mind and contentment. Focus on God and others. Not on myself.

What are you facing about yourself that needs growth? We can face our weaknesses and not be over-whelmed by them because God is in the life-changing business. He doesn’t  condemn us or judge us. He lovingly says,”Don’t hang on to that wrong (sinful attitude or behavior.) It is hurting you and others close to you. Repent. Let’s work on getting rid of it.” 

More tomorrow.

Rx for Crash and Burn

         Just as no two Parkinson’s patients are alike in symptomatolagy  or treatment; so also for Christians. In resolving their crash and burn situations.different strategies are constructed. My strategy, based on prayer and seeking wisdom from God was  this:

Break down generalized ”crash and burn” identity crisis into workable facets. Like guilt, shame, anger, false guilt,self esteem, what is truth and what is a lie,.etc. It is most difficult to work with a generalized diagonosis – “old man not worth anything” or  derogatory labels placed upon you by another. Like “There goes fatso..’ So my self-diagnosis of “identity crisis” had to be broken down

Underlying the whole process is the word “authenticity,” total honesty with oneself and with God. “GOD, I’m feeling worse than nothing. You’ve given me some wonderfull  successes in the past. But now you have seemingly closed all doors for achievement, for performance, for ministry.

Issue #1 Lousy communicator: I could be on a quest for learning more about world’s happenings so that I could  improve my ability to communicate “small talk.” Or, just accept the reality.

Stuttering. That is  different. Most stutterers I know mellow out as they get older. Fluent speech comes with time and maturity. Time and maturity was working for me until, I began taking a stronger Parkinson’s medication about 3 years ago.. Stuttering kicked back in full force and now it is the worst it  has ever been.

Some studies indicate that there is a connection with the brain’s dopamine. Not enough can cause Parkinson’s. Too much triggers stuttering. I don’t know. All I know is that is what happened to me.

So, the prescription for issue #1 is  develop a strategy for becoming more knowledgeable or accept the fact that I’m not a good communicator and that will be ok. There doesn’t appear to be  any more I can do about the stuttering, except pray for a miracle.

Issue #2: I was comparing my self to three young successful bucks and was found wanting. Such foolishness, comparing  two different seasons of life. The Bible says ”bring your thoughts into captivity.” Burwick, you’ve got a choice – either be grateful for how God has blessed you during your “performance years;”or complain about what you don’t have now. (Which so easily can turn into bitterness.which  leads to depression.)

“So Father, I repent of my selfcenteredness that lead me to comparing with those three  young men. Bless  them so that they become even more successful. And, thank you that I don’t have  to work. And thank  you for all the success you have provided for me in the past.”

So, I need not fret over what I don’t  have now, and I don’t need to get defensive when someone confronts me.

What did I learn?

·        The crash and burn experience was good for me. It addressed my spiritual pride. Can’t be spiritually proud when you are in a funk and it helps break the cycle of unhealthy pride for the future.

·        I’ve learned for the umpteenth time that God is enough. There are, or will be, times in your life when all hell seems to  be cut loose, and nothing on a human level will meet those deep longings (for God) – which I believe we all have. It’s too bad that we usually have to be stripped of our false supports to come to that  point when we plunge a bit deeper into the pit  of idolatries(God replacements), repent and turn to Him at an ever-deepening level. The stripping process is not pleasant, but the product is seen as more than worth the adversity.

·         Teaching a concept doesn’t mean one has assimulated it. I have taught“Who we are in Christ” and “Knowing God as my Source of Security” for 37 years. I’ve written a book on it “Self Esteem: you  are better than  you think." There should be no reason why I’m having an identity crisis. When I’m feeling down, I can remind myself of who I really  am in Christ and my Source of securiy is The Creator of the universe.

Why doesn’t this concept stay seared into my brain? My opinion is that lessons are best learned in an emotional setting. To learn about our identity in Christ is more quickly learned as I experience Identity Crisis.

And what I thought were God’s words to me was getting to some core issues, “Ray, that is not identity crisis, that is selfcenteredness. Stop your flesh thinking and remind yourself of who  you really are in Christ and who I am as your loving Father.”

·        Relationships are more important then production. This concept is something that I’ve been trying to learn for 30 years, beginning with surgery for a spinal tumor in 1981. I believe that God orchestrated that event, speaking to my spirit saying, “Ray, you  are a hard worker and  that is good. However, your work ethic has replaced your people focus. Doing has become more important  then being. The greatest commandment is love – Me first,  then others and yourself. It is not perform and achieve for approval of others. Allow Me to love others through you, beginning wit h your wife,and you will feel more significant and you will enjoy a more relaxed lifestyle.”

I’ve been working at this since. BUT, I love to work, and I’m finding   that it can be an escape from relationships, along with being iolatry (achievement ranks above time with God.)

Different situations have occured since 1981 to remind me that work shouldn’t be “numero uno,” the latest being my four-wheeler accident  that has rendered my left leg almost  useless. And of course,  the Parkinson’s which is  escalating and slowing me way down.

             This is what I’m learning.  This is why I can do my James one  rejoicing even in  tough times knowing God is at work, shaping me and growing me more into the image of Jesus. (Romans 8:28-29)

Thanks for walking through this with me. I hope  you can catch the power behind the simplicity of these thoughts.

God's Encouragement

god's

            Hope  you had a fire-free and happy fourth of July. It is so easy to take blessings like our freedom for granted., although our president seems to be moving  us in an other  direction.

I’m still working on the post “What I learned through my  crash and burn” reported earlier. It takes this slow learner time to integrate.

God is so good. As I’m coming out of  the crash and burn  experience, He allowed me to receive an email that was so encouraging. I hope I’m not being audacious in sharing it with you.My take on this is, God knew I was  struggling with an identity crisis. He wanted me to see that my production isn’t something  that I can always see   Then He lovingly jostles with me saying, “Quit your self-absorbed complaining, Burwick. I t is not an  identity crisis, it is a self-centered guy not getting what he wants.” And He puts  His arm around me and lovingly prompts this lady to write me the following.

“Oh Ray, God is using your book to break so many chains off of me. I know a person has to be in that place in life where they are ready to be free, to live. I, in my hurt and anger, became so lonely and vice versa . Its a life stealing, deadening trap that Satan sets up to destroy us. I will share something, my anger ( not knowing that is what it was at the time) was so bad I truly believed I was demon possessed and had many times been anointed, hands laid on me, prayer,  you name it. As I was reading, rereading now my eyes began to open and and the sexual abuse ( as a child ) and the death of my cousin/baby brother Destry when he was 2, and the horribly controlling church I grew up in and on and on I could really see them, where that seed of hurt had blossomed into the ugly putrid disease ridden heart  And I wanted free. Jesus said He came to give us LIFE “FULL AND MORE ABUNDANT" and that includes me.   

“I am as all people on a Journey in this life, and I want a Journey that is full of Him. I had to be on this part of my Journey this is the "freedom  side becoming free from anger and letting myself be free to Praise," and God is sending every means of help so that I can be the daughter He always intended me to be. Your writing is plain and simple, right to the point, no sugar coating, just a passion to help God’s children be free. It is not a self gratifying book. It’s a God glorifying book.“

Isn’t that encouraging!  It’s as though God said, “There are some definate things Ray can do to turn  the identity crisis into great value, but I’m going to give you a special blessing of encouragement with this email. Isn’t God good?

CRASH AND BURN

CRASH AND BURN

 I crashed and burned when we had company here last week... It began with an altercation with the wife. that later I saw was insensitsive and inappropriate on my part. Confrontation was in public. Her husband and my wife supported the  woman. I became dsefensive and angry with all  three, tried to justify  by saying, “I am a lousy communicator. Not good at small talk.” But I was trying. I apologiz ed the next morning.

I am a poor comunicator, besides the stuttering which is getting more profuse, Both feed my identity cisis. This incident began the crash.

            Then being around 3 successful, achieving men highlighted to me my performance position – zip, nada. The Evil One whispered,“ you used to be a successsful BB coach at Cascade College, you earned a doctoral degree, built a successful counseling private practice; was director of Whole Life a Christian singles group, small group leader, built a horse ranch. Written a couple of published books. You’ve received honors from two colleges, The House of  Repesentatives of the state of Alabama recognized you for ‘your outstanding achievements.’ Your alma mater built a suite in the gym for treatment  of   athletic injuries and named it after you. Now,  you are a has-been. No ministry. No friendships here in Kentucky.  No vision. No goals. You can’t walk. Can’t talk. No production. You are an old .man with nothing to contribute to life – yours or anybody elses. Does God  really care?”

Does the Evil One ever attack you when you’e down, really hurting ?

I withdrew from everyone.They probably saw me as a stumbling, bumbeling old fart –  of little value, worth nothing.  Oh, I could have been projecting my self feelings on  them I suppose, thinking that they thought what I thought about myself.

Other components of my crash and burn identitiy crisis were: return of insomnia,  PD symptoms progressing more rapidly. Blurred and double vision.

So these things coming together made for one depressed guy with an identity crisis.  And a  “to hell with it” attitutde. Of course, no self pity. Ha!

            All this coming after my writing on James 1::2-8 a couple  months ago. “Rejoice when you run into problems and trails of many kinds.” That is the main reason I haven’t posted. I haven’t been able to practice what I preach. Getting better, but got a long way to go.

            What does all this lead to? Just a reminder to myself and those  of  you who desire personal growth. James chapter one tells us to be joyful during tough times. Then  He challenges us to ask God for wisdom. That has to mean that when we go through tough times we should have such intmacy with God that we can ask Him ”why?”

“God, You are all powerful. You could have prevented this adversity from happening.What are the lessons you want me to learn. How can what I am exper                         iencing help me grow?

            What I have learned through all of this will be shared with you in the nex t posting.

UPDATE

I think I need to give an explanation for my absence. Been a while since I’ve writen. A friend wrote, saying,” I remember you were supposed to take it slow for a couple weeks while you adjusted to the DBS and got it adjusted to your North Dakotan body. “

I’ll use his note as a spring board for this posting.

How is that (post Deep Brain stimulation surgery) going?

            The dyskinesia left immediately and the low times between taking medicine have leveled out. I’ve cut in half the Mirapax I’ve been taking. The not so good news is my balance is worse. Stuttering is more profuse. Mind is dulling.  These negatives could be a natural progression of PD rather then a results of t he surgery.

And how are you doing with the pain management? I’ve seen the pain management doc twice – two shots in the hip. Hip replacement surgery is next.

 Any more information on your back damage? No. that is , hopefully, the last issue with which to deal.

How are you doing? As I keep my focus on God and what I think He is doing through all this, I’m doing well. If my sight shifts to what may happen, unless there is a miracle, it is easy to slip into a “what the heck. What’s the use?”  And spend the time in front of the TV or reading. Self pity then rears its ugly head. This doesn’t happen very much. It is ugly.

What are you doing? Landscaping and visiting a plethora of doctors.

(Michael how did you like that ‘p’ word?) Take one or two naps a day. Night sleeping is still a challenge.

Who are you doing it with? With  Theresa or by my self.  I don’t drive so T has to drive me.

Where are you doing it? Now Gary, that might be too personal!

Any new spiritual insights? That will come in the next posting.

            Hopefully it won’t take as long in coming as his one has.

           BLESSINGS
                 HOPE
                       JOY

40 Staples

YUP, HERE'S PROOF.There is a brain. Well, at least aftermath of the Deep Brain Stimulation surgery. We are two weeks out of surgery. 
   The battery gets activated next week, though it is in my chest now. 40 staples closed the sawing and drilling phase.
   Nothing of significance has  transpired yet. Dyskinesia stopped immediaely but has returned at half force. (only when I'm eating.) Can't figure that out.
    Thanks for your prayer. I was at peace through the whole procedure.For results, my petition to our Father is that balance can be restored. Falling is not conducive to keeping body in tact.