Life Purpose 6

Have been experiencing fear more lately. The pros tell me that is common for a man – fear of not being good enough; fear of failure; fear of the digression of physical prowess.

1 John 4:18 tells me… perfect love expels all fear… The origen of perfect love is,of course, God.
Thus, If I know God’s love at a deep affective level, fear should subside. And that is what is happening. I am sensing Abba Papa’s love in a new way. It is hard to articulate the procees or explain the sensing. But I’ll take a stab at it.

The process began a month ago in Denver when I lost most of my leg strength causing great fear. Fear of losing ambulatory ability, a result of Parkinsons Disease. I was distraught with my fear reaction which meant I wasn’t trusting God to “work all things for my good.”

After repenting of lack of trust, I studied “fear” from a Biblial perspective. Good information but little practical application. Then that verse came to me, “Perfect love casts out all fear.” Only one source for perfect love, that being God.

So I gathered my Scripture memory passages on God’s love, drawing mostly on Romans 8, John 15, Psalm 91, and Ephesians 3. John 15 told me that love is measured by obedience. Ephesians 3 and Romans 8 overwhelmed me with the description of God’s free gift of love to the Believer. I personalized Psalm 91, giving me great comfort.
Then that good old standby Psalm 23 capped off my daily bringing to recall God’s love for me.

Those passages regarding God’s love for me brought great cognitive awareness but
the “sensor mechanism” hadn’t been activated. Here’s where it gets mysteriously exciting.

Because stress exacerbates the PD symptoms and because I was fighting a lengthy bout with a bronchitis/sinisitus malady and because Theresa and I were gone from home traveling to our children’s homes, I backed off of nearly all activity, being gone and when not gone, staying in the house most of the time. No performance actitvity. Just a little mentoring and Lighthouse teaching 1 hour per week. Most unusual, for I had always been very performance oriented. People who weren’t, I pridefully and judgementally labeled as lazy. Along with the performance focus I felt called to the ministry as a teenager, fought it for a year because I thought God wanted me to be a preacher. It was during the time I stuttered so profusely I could hardly say my name. Why would He want me to be a preacher? But I finally yielded. The call left. Looking back at my fifty plus years of college basketball coaching and private practice counseling my life style has been one of ministering.

20-20 hindsight makes me wonder how much of my activity was a search for approval/recognition and how much was pride motivated. I thought that I had annihilated the messiah complex long ago during my first years of counseling. However as I put this all together, I see that in all this ministering I was not only seeking approval but the messiah complex was kicking in. To the coaches “a subtle prideful “I can help you coach, grow spiritually and help the team.” – whether they wanted it or not. To the theology department where I could straighten out some of their imperfect thinking. To individuals for healing and growth A subtle spiritual pride trip that I didn’t even recognize. The messiah complex.

Here I found myself doing very little ministering. Doing nothing for approval and recognition. And God came close and wrapped me up in his warm strong and loving arms as I sat on His lap – doing nothing. A strong sense of His love that is hard to describe. I’ll try.

An assurance that He’ll take care of me. A peace and contentment like I had never experienced before. No fear. Total acceptance of me just as I am. I didn’t need to fix anyone or save anyone or heal anyone. At this stage in my life I was to just “be”.

How long will this lack of activity last? It seems so incongruent with Scripture that admonishes me, “faith without works is dead.” So dissimilar to my 70 year lifestyle. However, I trust that I’m listening accurately to God and am accepting the challenge to “be still and know that He is God.” I will pay attention to His promptings that will encourage me when to “do” – to minister – but totally prompted by Him – at His time. I desire no hidden agendas for my edification. So help me, Abba Papa. I believe I hear your voice saying, “Be still Ray. Just let me love on you.”
Am I enjoying God? As we used to say in North Dakota, “ yah, shore, ewe betcha.”

My (your) greatest purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.