Intimacy

A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intimacy is a challenge for men in relationships but it is pivotal to achieve high performance friendships, state authors Drs. John Vawter and Jim Wetherbe  in their book proposal, “Achieving High Performance Friendship.”

            Though I can’t do it justice, I’d like to summarize their chapter on intimacy. Some say the lack of intimacy comes from a fear of not seeming “macho” or of seeming feminine. But what is intimacy? Simply put, it means to be close to someone or others, while isolation means the separation from someone or others. It means close enough to share your inner thoughts, feelings, dreams and fears.

The picture on the left describes to me the feeling of many men - isolation.

Dr. Kevin Meyer said, “We develop patterns of caring for and protecting ourselves—patterns that later become prisons that keep us from intimacy with Christ and others.”

Research shows a common element in those who make major blunders in life, such as former President Richard Nixon and Watergate. The common element is that they don’t have a good friend to hold them accountable and challenge their decisions

 Professor Matthias Mehl, of the University of Arizona, reports that people who have deeper conversations report being the happiest. Happy people engage in about twice as many substantive conversations and engage in only about a third as much trivial small talk as the unhappiest people (Psychology Science, 2010).

Deterrents to intimacy:

1) belligerence and argumentativeness—some men simply refuse to be corrected…or, even consider they might be able to improve on something they are doing.  Often times the response is belligerence and argument rather than considering what their friend says to them. 
           2) always correct/subtle arrogance—some men always have to be right…regardless of the subject.  When you are with someone who always has a quick answer and seems to have no interest in what others are thinking after awhile you realize there is no possibility of an                         intimate relationship with them.                    
          3) passive aggressive—some men are deflective and refuse to talk about anything of significance.  They are very skillful at avoiding any talk that would get close to their deepest emotion or allowing anyone to get close to them.
           4) shop talk—some men  men the extent of their conversations is professional or ministerial “shop talk” , activity or story. They seem incapable of talking about love for their wives or kids, their fears for the future or what is on the inside.  It is hard to be
intimate with people who have such a lack of reality.

In summary, intimacy in friendship is:

- being open and vulnerable

- not hiding fears, dreams  and weaknesses

- having immense trust that someone will keep private the things we share with them

The undertone of this definition has the connotation of growth, maturing and becoming more like Christ.  If part of friendship at the deepest level is to help one another grow, there has to be a level of intimacy to let others make comments on our lives, as well as their letting us make comments on theirs.

Thanks to Vawter and Wetherbe for their great work.

Relationships 6

Humility, honesty and respect are three attributes found in a dynamic male friendship, so postulate Vawter and Wetherbe in their manuscript “ Achieving High Performance Friendship - A Book for Men It is one of the severest tests of friendship to tell your friend his faults. So to love a man that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, and to speak painful truth through loving words, that is friendship. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

“Usually the larger challenge is respectfully coaching a friend’s behavior that is not in his best interest. It takes courage, diplomacy and respect to not shy away from this responsibility in a friendship. Would we not be better served by receiving constructive criticism provided from honest friends?” (Vawter and Wetherbe)

An early marker of a good friend is that he not only respectfully acknowledges our good works but helpfully and truthfully encourages us in areas we could and should do better. Our Wednesdy morning group in Nampa, Band of Brothers, would periodically challenge me with the words “you are too hard on yourself.” At times I would agree with them because I believe some of my idealistic desires left me thinking of myself more poorly than I should.

 On the other hand, I believe the more Christ-like growth the Holy Spirit works within us, the more we see that which detracts from our growth. The desire is to repudiate that destructive attitude or behavior. I believe a person can’t be too hard on himself if the focus shifts quickly from the observation of the abberent to repentance to acceptance of God’s grace.

 The first step in growth is to see that which needs growth. As has been said, “A real friend will tell you when you have a booger.” What a treasure is a friend or group of guys who will lovingly with humility confront attitudes or behavior that needs change.”Thanks, Nampa Band of Brothers, for your involvement in my growth process.”

Celebration and Pain 2

I never cease to be amazed by the power of the mind. I was helping my son clean out his back yard this weekend. I could do diddley squat. The slope was steep and I just couldn’t perambulate. Loving to connect with my son through work, a great saddness crept in. The loss of a connection with the guy in this world I love the most.

I had a choice: linger on the circumstances and get depressed or change my mindset. In the last post, we saw how the Philippians 4 passage shows us the healthy way to think.

1. Celebrate God for who He is and what He has done (for me).

2. Serve others.

3. Remember the big picture. Christ will return. No more pain.

In the next few verses the writer reveals even more specific mental processing.
Thus the pain of loss subsided as I brought my thoughts into captivity, beginning with praising God for all He has provided for me these 72 years.

But there was still the nerve-damaged leg and foot pain. It seems as I focus on the pain, physical and emotional, the hurting becomes more intense. Celebatng God seems to be somewhat of a “spiritual narcotic,” in that though the pain is still there, the magnitude lessens.

Second Corinthians 6:10 wraps this up this pain dilemna neatly: “Our hearts ache, yet we have the joy of the Lord.” Pain is inevitable, but I believe in the sovereignty of God and He promised to work all for my best and His glory. For that there is joy.

There can be value in pain. For me, the last six months has seen much needed character growth evolve out of the accident. Have you seen the value of your pain? How are you doing celebrating God? I hope you’ll join me in making that a more consistesnt exercise.

Celebration cures pain?

As an only child for nine years, I got a headstart on self-centeredness. Stuttering came into the picture at a young age which added fuel to the self-absorption fire. Parkinsons handed me the next log for the fire (I must take my pills at certain times or there is trouble.) And five months ago, the ATV accident that shattered my tibia plateau, causing painful nerve damage – still, was the crowning blow to the “self-focus.”

Pain is relative. Everyone has some kind of pain. Many are much worse off than I. But a self focus caused by a little or by a lot of pain isn’t healthy personally or relationally.

So, I was reading in Philippians 4 yesterday and in the Message it reads:
“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!”

As a good Norwegian would say, “Oophda! How do you celebrate when you’re in fairly severe pain (emotionally or physically?) Celebrate God all day, every day – no days off for pouting? Even reveling in Him? Wow! How does one do that?”

Notice the sequence here. Celebrating God for who He is and what He has done, decentralizes self. So does a selfless attitude to assisting others. The passage culminates with the reminder that Christ ‘s return is eminent – the big picture.

The significance of what we do with our thought patterns is even clearer in the next few verses.
“Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

”Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

“As a man thinks, so is he.” More on this in the next post.

Relationships 5

The 85-year-old Samford University English Prof, stood about 5 foot one inch. Should have been retired, but he loved the school and the students kept him young. Dr. (I’ve forgotten his name) always had a smilel on his cheery countenance.

I asked him one cloudy, rainy day why he always had a smile? He paused for just a moment and replied, “Every morning when I awaken, I make my own weather.”

His reply reminds me of weather and relationships. Proverbs 17:17a states, “Friends love through all kinds of weather.” I’ve spent most of my life being so performance oriented that relationships took a back seat. Now that the four-wheeler accident has caused a limited activity, I’m appreciating even more clearly the significance of friends.

That Wednesdeay morning men’s group in Nampa hung with each other through all kinds of “weather”. Even though we are separated by 2500 miles, my thoughts often return to that special group of guys. “S… you’re still a friend champ.”

Or Mark, part of a three-man set of years ago, Through a 2-year stint on the mission field and now living in California, he and his wife have become such special friends to the “cain-tucky hill billies,” Ray and Theresa..

Or John, when he heard that Ann, my first wife, died unexpectadly, immediately got on the phone and said, “I’ll get on the next plane possible, if you need me.”

Or Jerry, my college roomie of 50 years ago. Being that both of us are of Scandinavian blood, less talk, more actioin – but great fellowship.

Or Dr. Wayne, who helped me get started in my Birmingham counseling practice.

Or Gary, my long distance friend who is so encouraging. I could go on and on. I’ve been so blessed with special friends.

Then there is D… He couldn’t weather the storm. A cruel, false rumor about me was believed by him and he turned from being the most selfless, atetntive friend before and after Ann’s death, to one who won’t communicate with me. I think that is called a “fair weather friend.”

Just going through this writing exercize has reminded me of how blessed I am. May I suggest the same exercize for you?

relationships 4

“A good litmus test of a friendship is the ability to provide caring, well-intended feedback and the ability to receive caring, well-intended feedback.” (Vawter and Wetherbe) No one has reached a stage of Christian perfection. To have a friend who will lovingly and encouragingly confront us with a fleshly weakness that we may or may not be aware of is a rare treasure. If our definitive goal in life is to become”conformed to the image of Christ” we must ask ourselves, “do my friendships lead me to or away from my life’s goal? Does my friend help me grow to be more Christ like or does he/she hinder me?

Relationships 3

A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Before we left Nampa, Idaho, my passion was men's small groups.

Monday 7 a.m., 12-16 men - mostly Bible study, a little prayer. Great group of mostly retired guys wanting more of the Lord. Minimal self disclosure.

Monday 10 a.m. "quarterback club" atmosphere,15ish guys solving the world's problems in Nampa. No self disclosure, just a fun group of men.

Tuesday 6:30 a.m. Carrim teaching very effectively from Scripture, whetting our appetites for more of the Lord in our lives.

Wednesday 7 a.m. Fairly tightly knit group of 5 who did life together. Praying for each other. Carrying burdens with each other. Challenging each other. S, M, T and G, I sure miss you guys.

Then there were usually two or three groups that Theresa and I were involved with... firmly believing that "church" happens in small groups. Out of these groups have developed some deep, wonderful friendships.

Vawter and Wetherbe challenge us to choose friends wisely. "We are well served by positive friendships and, as we mature, we learn to discern those that are not positive. Sometimes that results in painfully having to choose to end a friendship that is not positive while taking care to cherish those friendships that inspire us to be better. And we contend that those “friends” who would try to shape us by subtle peer pressure should be left behind. At the same time, we are not best served by only choosing friends that think like we do. Friends who think alike can fall into what can be a dysfunctional dynamic called group think."

Devleoping Male Relationships - 2

A lady describes her husband:"he has retired from a company that he built and owned—a company that is worth over a billion dollars. He does not have any friends. He has a couple of friends that are committed to him but he is committed to no one. Thus, at 78 he is a lonely old man...absolutely alone. Imagine…all that financial success, a 300 foot long yacht and being absolutely alone." (Vawter and Wetherbe)

“The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship” Bacon
In the proposed book, "Achieving High Performance Friendship" Vawter and Wetherbe describe , a friendship is high performance if both friends:
- are pleased with the opportunity to provide a selfless act on behalf of the other
- feel comfortable sharing inner-most thoughts, yet each respect the other’s private thoughts
- trust the other with that which they hold dear
- support the other when they fail or err and forgiveness is readily granted
- appreciate and accept heartfelt constructive criticism
- truly celebrate the other’s success without jealousy or envy
- sustain the relationship in spite of distance or time
- do not make disparaging remarks about the other

You got any friends that "qualify" for high performance relationship?

Male relationships: that’s what I miss the most in our move to Kentucky from Idaho. Oh, I could list much more and many people, male and female, but there is nothing (except a great marital relationship) that compares to a small group of men meeting weekly. really getting in to each other’s lives. Praying for, encouraging each other, challenging world views, and helping carry each other’s burdens. I miss many of the groups I was in, but that Wednesday morning group of 5 achieved a deep level of emotional/spiritual intimacy that was so rewarding. I miss you guys.

My dear friend, John Vawter, is co-authoring a book on male relationships. He has given me permission to use some of his material for my blog. The introduction to the book begins with: “Men commonly experience life without deep meaning friendships. The aim of this book is to help men achieve high performance friendship. We consider high performance friendship to include respect, selflessness, intimacy, trust, support, and heartfelt constructive criticism void of jealousy and disparagement. Striving to develop high performance friendships is a powerful enhancement to our lives.”

I’m so excited about his book, co-authored with Jim Wetherbe, that as they find a publisher, it will be used as a great study guide for men' s groups. Drs. Vawter and Whetherbe state, "There doesn’t seem to be much self-reflection or introspection for many men. They rush from activity to activity but they do not look inside themselves. In the high-tech knowledge economy we live in, much time is required just to keep up with our daily work demands, and therefore many of us hope we will be able to retire before we become obsolete and can no longer keep up!"


The next posts will continue in this theme. Hopefully I can figure how I lost the ability to paragraph and fix it.