Intimacy

A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Intimacy is a challenge for men in relationships but it is pivotal to achieve high performance friendships, state authors Drs. John Vawter and Jim Wetherbe  in their book proposal, “Achieving High Performance Friendship.”

            Though I can’t do it justice, I’d like to summarize their chapter on intimacy. Some say the lack of intimacy comes from a fear of not seeming “macho” or of seeming feminine. But what is intimacy? Simply put, it means to be close to someone or others, while isolation means the separation from someone or others. It means close enough to share your inner thoughts, feelings, dreams and fears.

The picture on the left describes to me the feeling of many men - isolation.

Dr. Kevin Meyer said, “We develop patterns of caring for and protecting ourselves—patterns that later become prisons that keep us from intimacy with Christ and others.”

Research shows a common element in those who make major blunders in life, such as former President Richard Nixon and Watergate. The common element is that they don’t have a good friend to hold them accountable and challenge their decisions

 Professor Matthias Mehl, of the University of Arizona, reports that people who have deeper conversations report being the happiest. Happy people engage in about twice as many substantive conversations and engage in only about a third as much trivial small talk as the unhappiest people (Psychology Science, 2010).

Deterrents to intimacy:

1) belligerence and argumentativeness—some men simply refuse to be corrected…or, even consider they might be able to improve on something they are doing.  Often times the response is belligerence and argument rather than considering what their friend says to them. 
           2) always correct/subtle arrogance—some men always have to be right…regardless of the subject.  When you are with someone who always has a quick answer and seems to have no interest in what others are thinking after awhile you realize there is no possibility of an                         intimate relationship with them.                    
          3) passive aggressive—some men are deflective and refuse to talk about anything of significance.  They are very skillful at avoiding any talk that would get close to their deepest emotion or allowing anyone to get close to them.
           4) shop talk—some men  men the extent of their conversations is professional or ministerial “shop talk” , activity or story. They seem incapable of talking about love for their wives or kids, their fears for the future or what is on the inside.  It is hard to be
intimate with people who have such a lack of reality.

In summary, intimacy in friendship is:

- being open and vulnerable

- not hiding fears, dreams  and weaknesses

- having immense trust that someone will keep private the things we share with them

The undertone of this definition has the connotation of growth, maturing and becoming more like Christ.  If part of friendship at the deepest level is to help one another grow, there has to be a level of intimacy to let others make comments on our lives, as well as their letting us make comments on theirs.

Thanks to Vawter and Wetherbe for their great work.