An instrument, fine tuned

It is reported that each Steinway piano takes over a year to make. As part of the construction each soundboard is stretched to its maximum tolerance and allowed to sit for an extended period until it remains in the curved design. If the wood were alive, it would be crying out for mercy.

After an extended time of stretching, the wood will never spring back to its original state. It is permanently changed. The piano is becoming a fine-tuned instrument.

After this process takes place, the next step requires another point of stress. It takes 11 tons of pressure on a piano to tune it. Each step in the process moves the piano closer to a finished product that will ultimately be played by the world's finest musicians. These musicians desire a particular sound that only a piano like this can make.

“God looks at each of us as a fine-tuned instrument,” states Os Hillman. “However, we begin as rough wood that He desires to transform into gold. Tuning us requires certain experiences that will stretch our faith, our frame, and our very life. Sainthood springs out of suffering. If we can stand the strain of this intense process, we will come forth as gold-as a sweet-smelling offering to our Maker.

“When we are in the midst of these times, it feels like fire. It is painful to be stretched beyond our perceived limits, but the Lord knows this is necessary for us to become an instrument that can play a beautiful song that others will seek after.”

It seems that God uses our greatest losses to profoundly fine tune our sound boards through which His music is most resplendent. Our challenge is to yield to the Maker and trust Him through each stretching time. Like the Psalmist, we can cry “ouch,” yet at the same time recognize that our loving Abba Papa never loses touch with us and promises to work everything to good for those who love Him and are endeavoring to be obedient. Even the most painful situation!

Angry Addicts - 7 (last)

Anger Resolution

“Anger management” are the bywords in dealing with issues of anger. I prefer to use the words “anger resolution.” Resolve in your mind to use healthy anger to accomplish good deeds (like the person angry with an abortion clinic who channels that anger into productive ways of helping pregnant teenage girls.)

Resolve to adhere to the Bible’s challenge in Ephesians 4:31-32. Stop being mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, by kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgivn you because you belong to Christ.
And, Colossians 3:8 Now is the time to cast off and throw away all these rotten garments of anger, hatred, cursing and dirty language.


To the addict reading this article, don’t just try to manage your anger. Face it brutally. See the destructiveness of it. Don’t anesthesize it with a chemical. Get with a group who will encourage you to unmask. Seek counseling that will help you reveal the roots of the anger, not just managing it. Dig deeply into God’s resources to face all the woundedness within. All the selfishness and insecurity that leads to unhealthy anger. Grow in your knowledge of God and His resources for you. This navigation will help prevent relapse. It will lead to an ever deepening love for God, others and yourself. Which translates into an ever lessening need for addictive behavior.
May I also be so presumptious as to suggest you get a copy of my book “Good and Mad?”

angry addicts - 6

Let’s define this behemoth, this emotion that can be so heavily destructive.
Anger is an emotional response to a perceived wrong or injustice. As with other emotions, physiological and biological changes result. (Increase is seen in blood pressure, adrenaline, heart rate and other biochemical responses.) Simplified, anger is experienced when expectations are unfulfilled or when there is a sense of threat – an invasion of my space. Stating it bluntly, most of our unhealthy anger is based in selfishness (I’m not getting my way at my timing.) Fear of intrusion (you’re getting in my space) is a secondary root.

The word “anger” is a catch-all term depicting the range of emotion from irritation to rage. The contrast is best demonstrated by this story.
Irritation is best demonstrated when I call a random phone number at 1 a.m. and ask, “Is Ray there?” A sleepy, irritated voice responds with something like, “You’ve got the wrong number,” and hangs up. That’s an example of irritation.
Anger is exhibited when at 2 a.m. I call the same number and ask again for Ray. I may get a few expletives and the phone slammed down in my ear. That’s anger.
Rage is the response when at 3 a.m. I call the same number and say, “This is Ray. Have I had any calls?” Irritation, anger, rage.

An extreme example of rage is seen in the June 16, 2006, Idaho Press-Tribune. A two inch full width headline reads, “GRUESOME DAY.” The story tells of how a Nampa man, facing a domestic violence court date, kills his x-wife, decapitates her, throws her head in the back of his pick-up, heads down I-84 and purposely runs into an approaching car head-on, killing a mother and child and sending another child to the hospital. The following day’s newspaper headline reads, “VIOLENCE SHATTERS LIVES.”

While talking with a man who was in prison with the aforementioned man, I was told that the meth-induced rage was triggered by the x-wife’s berating his sexuality. One wonders if the act would have been so brutal if meth was not involved.

Rage has the element of violence and is the ultimate expression of blameshifting. When a person is raging, their total focus is on the alleged perpetrator of the crime against them. They don’t face the fact that no on can make them rage. The “crime” only brings out what is inside of them. It has been said in many ways, “No one can make me mad. They only reveal what is inside of me.” The raging alcoholic not only abuses others but also himself by not accepting personal responsibilty for maturation. The chemical addiction anethesizes his pain, his woundedness and his choice to take responsibility for himself.

Paul describes his rage/drugs ordeal this way, “I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend. In my house! Drugs weren’t immediately available. So I robbed a store. Result? Prison.”

Tomorrow's post finishes the series on angry addicts.

angry addicts 5

Let’s define this behemoth. Anger is an emotional response to a perceived wrong or injustice. As with other emotions, physiological and biological changes result. (Increase is seen in blood pressure, adrenaline, heart rate and other biochemical responses.)

Simplified, anger is experienced when expectations are unfulfilled or when there is a sense of threat – an invasion of my space. Stating it bluntly, most of our unhealthy anger is based in selfishness (I’m not getting my way at my timing.) Fear of intrusion (you’re getting in my space) is a secondary root.

The word “anger” is a catch-all term depicting the range of emotion from irritation to rage. The contrast is best demonstrated by this story.
Irritation is best demonstrated when I call a random phone number at 1 a.m. and ask, “Is Ray there?” A sleepy, irritated voice responds with something like, “You’ve got the wrong number,” and hangs up. That’s an example of irritation. Anger is exhibited when at 2 a.m. I call the same number and ask again for Ray. I may get a few expletives and the phone slammed down in my ear. That’s anger. Rage is the response when at 3 a.m. I call the same number and say, “This is Ray. Have I had any calls?” Irritation, anger, rage.

An extreme example of rage is seen in the June 16, 2006, Idaho Press-Tribune. A two inch full width headline reads, “GRUESOME DAY.” The story tells of how a Nampa man, facing a domestic violence court date, kills his x-wife, decapitates her, throws her head in the back of his pick-up, heads down I-84 and purposely runs into an approaching car head-on, killing a mother and child and sending another child to the hospital. The following day’s newspaper headline reads, “VIOLENCE SHATTERS LIVES.”

While talking with a man who was in prison with the aforementioned man, I was told that the meth-induced rage was triggered by the x-wife’s berating his sexuality. One wonders if the act would have been so brutal if meth was not involved.

Rage has the element of violence and is the ultimate expression of blameshifting. When a person is raging, their total focus is on the alleged perpetrator of the crime against them. They don’t face the fact that no on can make them rage. The “crime” only brings out what is inside of them. It has been said in many ways, “No one can make me mad. They only reveal what is inside of me.”

The raging alcoholic not only abuses others but also himself by not accepting personal responsibilty for maturation. The chemical addiction anethesizes his pain, his woundedness and his choice to take responsibility for himself.

Paul describes his rage/drugs ordeal this way, “I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend. In my house! Drugs weren’t immediately available. So I robbed a store. Result? Prison.”

Anger resolution in our next and last post on "angry addicts."

angry addicts - 4

Continuing our discussion on the background for angry addicts.

4. Another anger contaminant in addictions is being raised in a home that perpetuated helplessness. Terrence Real writes in Psychology Today, “Anger regularly stems from helplessness. If you’re walking around angry, it’s often because you’re trying to control some thing and it’s not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control.”

From my experience of roughly 45,000 hours of professional counseling, I can firmly say that a person who feels helpless, call it victim mentality, is always an angry person. Angry toward significant people in their life and especially toward God. The anger is usually contained because any expression of anger would lead to more rejection and greater victimization. This person doesn't realize that the poison of anger is eating its own container.

I am quick to add that some addicts were raised in loving, nurturing homes. The home environment is not always the basic foundation for the development of addictions.

Shawn, a 25-year-old, reports, “I’m charged with eight felonies, 70 misdemeanors, including armed robbery, possession of meth and other drugs with intent to sell, 15 petty thefts, drug paraphernalia, possession of stolen property, numerous traffic tickets, in and out of jail since the age of 17, including time in prison.”

Shawn describes his childhood as near perfect. Dad involved in his activities – Cub Scouts, football, baseball, bowling, soccer and church. Mother was such a loving mom that it helps him understand God’s love. “They did all they could to get me into activities that would keep me out of trouble.”

“Cigarettes, liquor and drugs began at the age of 12. I managed to hide this from my parents all the way until my senior year in high school. The older I got the stupider I became. By this time I was addicted to multiple things. It didn’t matter if I was abusing drugs, speeding down the neighborhood or vandalizing something as long as I wasn’t supposed to do it. I did it and loved it. I enjoyed breaking the law.”

When I asked him why the destructive behavior, Shawn words were, “poor self image, wanted acceptance from friends and I was picked on a lot as a kid for being over weight.”
Shawn is back into the work world, heavily engaged in church and turning his life God-ward. In fact, he is a real inspiration to this writer.

More tomorrow

Angry addict - 3

Continuing our journey of understanding the roots of angry addicts.

2. Some angry addicts have been taught that “good Christians” don’t get angry. In their piety, suppression was modeled. They know the anger is there but will stuff it. Unlike repression where the person doesn’t even know the anger is there, suppression puts a lid on it. Like repression, it will rear its ugly head in some destructive manner. The “good Christian” is well reminded by Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier’s words,
“Violence is in the heart of all men,
but we all have an inbuilt resistance
to recognizing it as a thing that concerns us.”

3.Often alcoholics were raised in homes where rage was the accepted malfunctioning means of anger expression. Eddie, a recovering meth addict, tells his story.
“Childhood is a blur. Dad worked and drank. He did nothing with me. Mom worked. Very little attention or nurturing. Relatives would give me money to drink alcohol when I was seven and eight years old. They enjoyed seeing a 7-year-old get drunk. This is about all I can remember until teen years.
“Enter violence. Guys in the labor camp were jealous of my car and clothes. I had to learn to fight. I found another use for golf clubs other than playing golf. That was my weapon of choice until the numbers got too big. I then carried a gun. One time a guy taunted me, slashed two of my tires and I blew up. I took out after him with my gun. Shot at him but kept missing him. I believe it was the Lord protecting me from getting into deep trouble. I was a Christian at the time but was not walking with the Lord.
“That violent lifestyle fit my family name. We were known as killers because of some relatives who would go down into Mexico, get into fights and end up killing people. I saw dad shoot a guy. We had to run. Moved to Mexico for a time.
“At the age of 19 I had two children with the girl with whom I was living. I carried my angry childhood into that relationship and was abusive to her. She taunted me with stories of other men. I blew up and was arrested for assault. It was at that time, I told God I was through with Him. If this was all the christian life was about, I had enough. I got into meth heavily. It helped me not feel the pain and made me feel better about life. The down side was a buildup of anger, pride, deception, controlling and erasure of memories. I stayed on it for 11 years.”

Eddie is an example of raging parent producing raging child.. The pain is severe for those living with a rageaholic. Alcohol or drugs are the means to cope – to escape the memories of the abusive home environment. It works – temporarily! But an ever increasing amount of chemical substance is needed to quell the childhood and adult pain.

More tomorrow

Angry addicts - 2

How did all the mishandling of anger begin in an addict’s life? Childhood home environments were often the culprit.

1. Parents who didn’t constructively express and resolve anger, modeled the same for their children. Some taught that “nice guys” didn’t get angry. They taught repression – the art of swallowing anger so quickly it was unrecognizable. It’s destructiveness usually took the form of a passive aggressive behavior (getting even with others through subtle maneuvers of revenge.)

For example, the person who is chronically late is often a person getting even with another who is very time conscious. An addiction has a strong component in many cases of getting even with someone to whom they are close. A husband to a controlling, dominating wife. A wife to an emotionally neglecting husband. Could the pictured dog sitting on a cat be an example of passive-aggressiveness? And I’m wondering how much passive-aggressiveness plays a part in the following letter from a 13-year-old girl to her addict brother.

Dear brother,
“I have a question for you. Why are you so stupid? Harsh! No! I could tell you all these things you’ve done to me but I won’t because I love you and care about you. Even though I do, you are making it harder than licking a cactus. I know it will be hard but you need help. I don’t know how long we can do this. I want to see you more than once a week. You’re my brother. Do you remember that or are you high or something? Can you read this or are you not able to see the truth?
“I tell you something, I can barely read this because I am crying to hard. In school if someone says something to remind me of you, I have to choke down my tears. I know you’re an addict. But for me, for your family, STOP. We will still love you always but you can’t put us through this anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel. My feelings are racing. I don’t know what to do anymore. If you want to screw up your own life (which I don’t advise) fine, but don’t bring us down with you.
“Don’t keep running. Face what you have done. I may even be able to forgive the people who got you hooked on this disgusting stuff. What is getting drunk or high going to do – let you escape from your problems for a few hours anyway? Go to rehab for me. I love you with all my heart. PLEASE DON’T BREAK IT! your sis

More tomorrow on the genesis of anger and addictions.

The Angry Addict

I wrote an article for a website recently that focuses on the life and recovery of addicts. Rare is the person who doesn't have an addict of some kind in their life. Hopefully this material will be helpful to you.

Unresolved anger – much of it hidden and some expressed very destructively, stands as a Bigfoot blocking the door to an addict’s successful living. After working with alcoholics and drug addicts, many of them having tasted prison life, I can affirm the voices of Mike Waltermire of Nampa Lighthouse Mission and Daniel Gorman of Bakersfield Rescue Mission who say that alcoholics and addicts have as one of the greatest challenges the resolution of deep anger issues.

Gorman goes on to say that if one would peel back all the onion layers of disparaging living in search for the root causes of why people are homeless and on the streets, the cause is unforgiveness – the inability to forgive oneself or to forgive others. Again, issues of unresolved anger, because anger that “spends the night” becomes resentment and bitterness that manifests itself in an unforgiving spirit.

The trumpet is blaring, “Face the extent of the angry wounds you carrry. Plow up the entangled roots of resentment and begin to unravel the knots of frustation that are keeping you from living successfully. Until you do, your addiction will lie like a slumbering giant ogre to be awakened by a Jack and the Beanstock situation. Anger will seep out in the slightest form of irritation or erupt in a volcanic explosion of rage (even toward loved ones) or implode, expressing itself in some form of physical/mental/emotional/social dysfunction.

More tomorrow

Bella Rose Burwick

I'm not sure how this blog will work. Some of you have reported no banner and others report a banner "caution this could be a scam". I don't know what is going on, but I'll try this for a while and would appreciate it if you would let me know if you get the "scam banner.""

I just had to show off Ray's and Holly's two week old girl. I had the privlege of holding that precious bundle in Fort Thomas Kentucky a couple weeks ago. Would you pray with me that God would draw her to Himself at a young age.

A funny thing happened on the plane going there. The guy sitting next to me and I were talking about age and I asked him how old he thought I was. He thought for a moment and said, "80." Not wanting to hurt his feelings (as much as he hurt mine!) This 68- year-old said, "almost."

More tomorrow.

HELP! You techno experts

1. Does the top of your screen read "caution, this could be spam" when you click on this blogspot? Mine does, but a friend of mine just checked his and it doesn't appear on his screen

2. I can't reproduce any pictures - just a purple box. Does anyone have any wisdom for me on resolving that issue?

Thanks, ray b

whas happenin'! ??

Trouble in River City (with this blog). As of this morning, it is listed as potential scam - don't know why; and, I can't upload a picture of my son's family (with the new baby). Don't know what is going on, but I'm leaving in the morning for a week stay in Kentucky with my son and family. So maybe it will "heal" itself by the time I return. Blessings to you, special readers and fellow sojourners on the path to deepening intimacy with Father God (Abba PaPa).

Free, part 3 – gratitude

A grateful spirit is a characteristic of the person most likely to be successful in handling stress. This was the comment in our posting two days ago. Let's expand on that concept.

It is interesting to see books and articles cross our paths in timely fashion. The latest Readers Digest has an outstanding article entilted “New Science of Thank You,” written by Deborah Norville. It is amazing how science is now corroborating what the Bible stated oh so many years ago.
(1 Thessalonians 5:18 and Ephesians 5:20: “Give thanks FOR all things. Give thanks IN all things.) The article is taken from the book, “Thank you Power: Making the Science of Gratitude Work for You.” The following is an adaptation.

Robert Emmons, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, has long been interested in the role gratitude plays in physical and emotional well-being. In his research with a partner, he took three groups of volunteers and randomly assigned them to focus on one of three things each week: hassles, things for which they were grateful and ordinary life events.

Results: The people who focused on gratitude were just flat-out happier. They saw their lives in favorable terms. They reported fewer negative physical symptoms such as headaches or colds, and they were active in ways that were good for them, like more exercise than the other groups. Plain and simple, those who were grateful had a higher quality of life. They had more joy, energy, were more optimistic, more helpful to others, less materialistic, less depressive, envious and anxious. A feeling of gratitude gets people to do something, to become more pro-social, more compassionate. This didn’t happen in the other two groups.

Related studies of gratitude have found other benefits as well: clearer thinking, better resilience during tough times, higher immune response, less likelihood of being plagued by stress, longer lives, closer family ties and greater religiousness.

The suggestion is made to keep a gratitude journal. Right before bedtime, jot down three things that happened that day for which you were grateful. After each situation write down why this was good for you. Also, make a note of who, if anyone, played a role in what you’ve recalled for the day and how that person had an impact on your life. The gratitude journal makes you look at life in a positive, concrete way reminding you of its interconnectedness in a fast-paced, impersonal world and how much others add to the quality of your life. It enhances your self-esteem.

Over time, you’ll notice a consistent pattern. Many entries will underscore the importance of people in your life. Others will highlight meaningful experiences.

Another aspect of a grateful spirit is the boomerang principle. Gratitude, when expressed to others, almost always comes back around. People who feel appreciated are more willing to make an effort for those who make them feel valued.

The author suggests, “seize the moment.” Look around you: what’s right with your world? If you have a hobby, practice it. If you don’t, find one. Reach out to others; share something. A small gesture toward another individual costs you little but can bring many benefits – and increases your attitude of gratitude.

Barbara Fredrickson of the University of North Caroline says, “Gratitude has the potential to change everything from its ordinary state to being a gift.”
And I may add, it is easier to develop a grateful mindset as we learn more and more about God’s love for us and how He desires intimacy with us, and how He promises to work everything for our good if we love Him and are called according to His purpose.

“You earthly fathers being evil love to give good gifts to your children, how much more your Heavenly Father wants to give to you.” (Matthew 7:11)

Free part 2 - Forgiving

Continuing yesterday’s post concerning the value of gratitude and a forgiving spirit, Gary so graphically wrote last night, “One of my deepest struggles is going beyond the forgiving in my intellect and giving up the bitterness of the soul. First I was unaware, thought I had dealt with all the forgiveness, but then I found the residue of bitterness in my soul poisoning my heart in unknown ways. Forgiveness is an intellectual pursuit until it gets down into our emotions."

The following is adapted from “the view from the juniper tree.”
Why is it so damn hard to forgive? There is nothing easy about forgiving someone who has hurt you, slightly or deeply, and I am sure if you think it is, you are most likely burying the problem, not really forgiving. The problem with mental forgiveness is – it doesn’t work. All intellectural forgivenss amounts to is talk and talk is cheap.

We have to find a way to deal with the conscious or unconscious feelings of hate that we have and just saying we forgive doesn’t get it done. Speaking truth doesn’t always alter feelings. Forgiveness happens only when we first admit our hurt and scream our hate (Lewis Smedes).

For forgiveness to really take place, at some point we have to accept that the past cannot be changed. Forgiveness is so hard because what happened in the past keeps leaking over into the present and making us angry again. The only way to come to terms with reality is to leave the past in the past. Anger is reliving the past and living in the past makes forgivng impossible. We are not our past. We are people fully capable of repenting, changing and turning away from past behaivor.

Sometimes we can really forgive, only to discover later on, there is more forgiveness needed. The new need does not negate the earlier forgiveness it only points out why forgivenss is so hard. We can only forgive what we know right now, we may need to take another run at it again later.

As forgiveness is taking place, we can begin to extend love to those who have hurt us. We begin to see the hurtful person’s value, see where the hurt came from and begin to thank God for how He has used the hurt inflicted, for our ultimate good and the good of others.

Free from Homelessness

Daniel Gorman, executive director of the Bakersfield Rescue Mission states:“If you peel back all the layers of the onion in search of the root cause of why people are homeless and on the streets, the cause is unforgiveness – the inability to forgive oneself or to forgive others.

Gorman adds, “The key quality of character that is the best indication that a person is going to make it through crises is whether they are grateful for the help they are given. The old 'attitude of gratitude' is the key indicator of future victory over whatever a person is struggling with.”

How do you and I evaluate our attitude of gratitude about our current life situation? (1 to 10)

As a reminder, 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says "give thanks IN things;" and, Ephesians 5:20 says "Give thanks FOR all things." Powerful directives to mental, emotional and physical health!

How are you and I doing in the forgiving process – to self and others? ___________

In tomorrow's post we'll revisit that most difficult of topics: forgiving others who have hurt us deeply.