Goals for 2008

Pictured is my son, Ray II, as Santa with his baby Bella Rose.

Continuing our interlude in the self esteem series, I'd like to share with you the devotional I'll give to the NNU basketball team this morning.

Where are you going? Where are you headed? The Bible says, without a vision the people perish. Goal setting. Athletes know the importance of setting goals, realizing that good goals will help them live up to their potential. At this time of the year, many are doing the same thing with life in general.
Some look ahead, merely wondering what the year will bring. Some look ahead without passion or vision at all. Others look ahead with a dream and have set a strategy for achieving that dream.


What would you like to see happen in 2008? Give it serious thought and write it down in a place where you’ll see it consistently. Goals should have two components – being and doing. What do you want to see done in 2008? Who do you want to become in 2008?

I like to turn that goal into a slogan, a motto for the year. I haven’t clarified mine completely yet for this new year, but here’s what I’m thinking right now. “I want to be more selfless and serving others. Sensitive to God’s whisper. To love on and encourage others in tangible ways. Make wise financial investments.” As you can see that will take some fine tuning to make it into a succint coherent goal.



One of my previous year's slogan was “Develop a lifestyle of rejoicing, praising gratitude.” When I was going through a particular tough experience, my goal was “Wait patiently and confidently on God – my only hope being in Him.”

What goals do you have for the team? What goals do you have for the part you play on the team? Possibly you rarely get to play during the games. Can your goal be to work extra hard in practice to make those playing much better?



How about for your “being?” How do you want to become a stronger individual this year?
"Without a vision, the people perish."

Goals

Taking a break in the self esteem series: the picture captures a little glimpse of the beauty of Puerto Vallarta. What a fantastic week of relaxation and 80 degree weather for Theresa and me.

It is nearly 2008? Where are you going? Where are you headed? The Bible says, without a vision the people perish. Goal setting. (Not New Year's resolutions!)

Athletes know the importance of setting goals, realizing that good goals will help them live up to their potential. At this time of the year, many are doing the same thing with life in general.

Some look ahead, merely wondering what the year will bring. Some look ahead without passion or vision at all. Others look ahead with a dream and have set a strategy for achieving that goal.
What would you like to see happen in 2008?

I encourage you to give it serious thought and write it down in a place where you’ll see it consistently. Goals should have two components – being and doing. What do you want to see done in 2008? Who do you want to become in 2008?

I like to turn that goal into a slogan, a motto for the year. I haven’t clarified mine completely yet for this new year, but here’s what I’m thinking right now. “I want to be more selfless and serving others, sensitive to God’s whisper. To love on and encourage others in tangible ways. Make wise financial investments.” As you can see that will take some fine tuning to make it into a succint coherent goal.

One of my previous slogans was “Develop a lifestyle of rejoicing, praising gratitude.” When I was going through a particular tough experience, my goal was “Wait patiently and confidently on God – my only hope being in Him.”

How do you want to become a stronger individual this year? What do you want God to do in your life in 2008?

God-directed scrutiny - Identity 16

This is a picture taken in Puerto Vallarta. Notice the contrast in size between the "rising Christ" and the people in the lower left.

We're examining a God-directed self scrutiny in our quest for a healthier self esteem, uncovering that within that stifles our dependency on and freedom in Jesus Christ. God examines us through four different media: direct search, by His countenance, by the Word and through people.

1.) God's direct search:
JER 17:9-10 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."
This describes that gentle prick of conscience that we sometimes sense. God says: "no Ray, you're not loving your wife like she deserves. Cut out that selfishness. Love her like I've loved you."
God, search my heart!

2.) God's countenance:
Psalm 90:8 (Amp) "Our iniquities, our secret heart and its sins which we would so like to conceal even from ourselves, you have set in the revealing light of your countenance."
Do you set aside time most every day when you're alone with God - studying the Bible, praying, being quiet? This is so important. As we sit in his presence, His countenance enlightens our innermost being, revealing that which needs change or growth.

3.) God's Word:
2TIM 3:16-17 "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
and
HEB 4:12 "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
Most of us spend so little time in the Word, we're not only ignorant of its teachings and principles but deaf to its probing power that excises spiritual cancer like a surgeon’s scalpel.

This ignorance of the Word reminds me of the anecdote told of the little boy who was asked to tell the story of the Good Samaritan. Here is the way he told it:
"There was a good Samaritan going down from Jerusalem to Jericho and he fell among thorns and they sprang up and choked him and left him half dead.
"And he said, 'I will arise,' and he arose and came to a tree and he got hung on the limb and he hung there for forty days and forty nights, and the ravens did feed him. Delilah, she came along with a pair of shears and cut off his hair and he fell on stony ground.
"He said,’ I will arise,' and he came to a wall and Jezebel was sitting on the wall and she mocked him and he said 'throw her down,' and they threw her down.
"He said, 'throw her down seventy times seven and great was the fall thereof and of the fragments that remained they picked up twelve baskets full. And whose wife will she be in the resurrection?"


Hopefully our knowledge of the Word is a bit more coherent than this chap's. I personally don't see how we can get along without at least 30 minutes most every day spent in concentrated Bible reading, study and prayer.
God examines us by direct search, his countenance, the Word and

4.) By people.
Hebrews 3:12-13 (Amp) "Therefore beware brethren; take care lest there be in any one of you a wicked, unbelieving heart - which refuses to cleave to, trust in and rely on Him - leading you to turn away and desert or stand aloof from the living God. But instead warn (admonish, urge and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened into settled rebellion by the deceitfulness of sin - that is, by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamour of his sin may play on him."

Do you have a friend or a support group that helps you with accountability, who out of care and love can gently confront you when something is blocking your growth?
It has been said that a friend is one who won't get in your way..... unless you're headed down. Are you blessed to have a friend like that? If not, endeavor to build a relationship that calls for mutual accountability.
As we allow God's scrutiny to continue in our lives and we respond, there is less self-centered dysfunction, and a greater filling of God's character within - more joy, peace, contentment, wisdom and everything else that God says is available to us.

Revelation 3:19 (Amp) Those whom I dearly and tenderly love, I tell their faults and convict and convince and reprove and chasten, that is, I discipline and instruct them. So be enthusiastic and in earnest and burning with zeal, and repent - changing your mind and attitude.

Begin self-examination - Identity 15

Self examination doesn't begin like the picture depicts. While visiting a beautiful old church in Puerto Vallarta last week, we observed this little lady knee walking (an upright crawl) from the rear of the church toward the front altar. I admired her devotion but was saddened to think she didn't realize she had direct access to the Throne of Grace, because of the Cross.

Well, if penitence isn't the answer, how does healthy self examination begin? Look at David's intention of Psalm 26:2: Test me, O LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind;
Or Psalm 51:6-7 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

David is not speaking of morbid introspection. God must be allowed to examine our innermost being.
Somber self-analysis, a continual feeling of one's emotional pulse, leads to greater self-centeredness that masquerades as holy struggle to mature in Christ. Instead, it is usually a means of avoiding responsibility.

This kind of person says to him/herself, "I must spend three hours a day in prayer, making sure there is no sin in my life." However, what is really happening is that the prayer time becomes a convenient excuse for not doing house work which the person terribly detests. How could anyone chastise them for spending three hours in prayer?

Self examination is not morbid introspection but God-directed self scrutiny that has an inner - upward - outward focus, from self to God to others. An uncovering of that within that stifles our dependency on and freedom in Jesus Christ. The inner gaze reveals pride, wounds, selfishness, hurt, hate, guilt, insecurity and a host of other varmits that knaw at the underpinnings of our faith and joy in Christ - the inner focus.

Freedom results as the inner gaze shifts to the upper focus. The place of grace, forgiveness, mercy and healing. From that inner, upward examination comes an outward emphasis, loving and serving others. Allowing Christ to live His life through us to those with whom we come in contact. Also, experiencing a healthier and godly self image.

Tomorrow's post will indicate how we can allow God to examine us through four different media: direct search, by His countenance, by the Word and through people.

Darkness Dwelling - Identity 14

We've been discussing how it is easy and normal to hide from ourselves - to not face the dysfunctional within. This is destructive in many ways especially demonstrating itself negaatively with our theme of building a godly self esteem. One of the most destructive situations I've faced is the following:

EVEN DEATH
A few years ago I was counseling a teenage boy who was heavily involved in his church. He was wrestling with issues like speaking in tongues, why God wouldn't heal him of a minor ailment and other religious concerns.
I could never get him to face the volcano of rage toward his parents. I am not reporting a counseling success story. His picture appeared in the local newspaper some later - murder. He refused to look inward. A young waitress was the recipient of his rage.

SCRIPTURE’S ADVICE
To make sure I'm not just suggesting some self examination pop-psychobabble, let's look at Scripture to see what it says about penetrating the darkness within.
Leviticus 16:29-30 (LB) This is a permanent law: you must do no work on the twenty-fifth day of September, but must spend the day in self examination and humility.....for this is the day commemorating the atonement, cleansing you in the Lord's eyes from all of your sins.
This comes from the Old Testament. Let's check what the New Testament would indicate.

1 Corinthians 11:25-34 gives us the Holy Communion context. Paul here exhorts us to examine ourselves before taking communion. He says some people had not and their sin had caused sickness and even death.
Covered sin is nothing to indulge. Paul further teaches:
2 Corinthians 13:5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you--unless, of course, you fail the test?
Are you really a Christian? Does your life reflect Christ even at home?

I like Verner's test of a Christian in his book Fire in Coventry.
"In my church we don't give pamphlets to people nor have missions. We just send one or two Christian families to live in a village. When people see what Christians are like, they want to be Christians themselves."

I don't think Verner is criticizing church missions programs. He is suggesting that our brand of Christianity must be contagious. If it isn't - check up on yourself. Are you really a Christian? Would there be enough evidence to convict you in court?

Have a blessed day today (Christmas day) and join me in gratitude for Jesus coming, taking on the role of God-man for me - for you. Praise His name.

We're back. Had a wonderful week in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. What a beautiful place (and 80 degree weather)! Hope you're having a blessed Christmas season.

Continuing on our quest for building a godly self esteem - personified by "created in His image," we're examining that which is within that stifles a healthy growth in self esteem. Darkness. Not living in the light of God's search engine. When I think of living in darkness, I'm reminded of Edgar Allen Poe's macabre short story, "The Tell-Tale Heart."

A homicide victim is buried beneath the floor of the murderer's house. The man is so confident about the clandestine killing that when interrogated by the police, he seats himself in a chair directly over the burial location.

“In the enthusiasm of my confidence, I brought chairs into the room, and desired them here to rest from their fatigues, while I myself, in the wild audacity of my perfect triumph, placed my own seat upon the very spot beneath which reposed the corpse of the victim.

The officers were satisfied. My manner had convinced them. I was singularly at ease.
But his coolness evaporates as the conversation continues. Soon he senses a strange pounding noise in his head. The pounding seems to be coming from beneath the floor where the corpse is located. He is sure that it is the beating of the dead man's heart. He wonders why no one else notices what he is hearing.

No doubt I grew very pale; but I talked more fluently, and with a heightened voice. Yet the sound increased - and what could I do?...I talked more quickly - more vehemently; But the noise steadily increased. I arose and argued about trifles, in a high key and with violent gesticulations, but the noise steadily increased. Why would they not be gone? Oh God! what could I do? I foamed - I raved - I swore! I swung the chair upon which I had been sitting, and grated it upon the boards, but the noise arose over all and continually increased. Was it possible they heard not?

Finally with a shriek the darkness dweller confessed: "Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! - tear up the planks! - here, here! it is the beating of his hideous heart!"

A severe example of a darkness dweller - a clear picture of guilt - covered sin.

King David describes the same scenario with a transparent exposure in Psalms 32:3-5 LB:
There was a time when I wouldn't admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration. All day and all night your hand was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water on a sunny day until I finally admitted all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, I will confess them to the Lord and you forgave me. All my guilt is gone.

Sin causes misery, but notice David is saying his dishonesty about his sin made him miserable. There's a cure for sin - repentance. No cure for covered sin. Result - misery.

David's son, King Solomon added this twist to the message:
Proverbs 28:13 A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. (LB)

Sin covered, not acknowledged, unconfessed, unrepented, not only leads to darkness and lack of joy, peace, contentment, etc, but also contributes to or causes a host of diseases.
A Gastrointestinal (stomach) doctor told me as I was writing this section, that 95% of his patients are in his care because of emotionally-caused "GI" problems.
Migraines, ulcers, depression, anxiety, and on and on, often (not always) occur from not acknowledging "garbage" within.

"Father, illumine my heart and the hearts of those reading this post, that there be no hidden garbage within distorting our "created in His image" identity."

Identity - 12 CAMOUFLAGED GARBAGE

Continuing in our topic of healthy self-examination, please allow the following example to encourage you in asking God to show you if there is any "garbage collecting" necessary for you. This is the last post for a week. We'll be out of pocket.
A very sweet, loving middle-aged Christian lady came to me for counseling. Her presenting problem was an uncontrollable compulsion to think extremely vulgar thoughts toward God.

Now, here was a person who was in church every time the door was open. She taught in a Christian school. She volunteered as a secretary part time for the pastor. The list could go on and on about her spiritual activity. She in fact desired to be a Godly woman. I was most impressed with her humility and her teachability. What a gracious, loving woman. Why would she have such vulgar thoughts toward God?

Her psychologist just told her to quit going to church and reading her Bible, that was just exacerbating the problem. She didn’t want that prescription.

Her counseling began. We endeavored to pierce through the darkness hiding her obscure inner garbage. (If she had been aware of any rubbish in her life, she would have definitely dealt with it. She was that desirous of righteous living.)

Her story began. It involved the pastor of her church. He was the type of church leader who thought he had the last word on everything. He was boss. It is possible to pick and choose verses out of the Bible to substantiate that kind of leadership model.
She was a compliant person. He would ask her to bring work clothes with her to the office periodically. After she had performed secretarial chores for an hour or so, he would ask her to change into grubbies so they could perform some janitorial tasks.
He would leave her office and go to his. She would change clothes and they'd be off to do some type of cleaning.

This went on for some time until one day "Martha" was looking for something in the pastor's office. As she was searching the storage closet, she ran across a hole in the wall. About half-inch in size. She peered through the hole and found that it gave her a panoramic view of the office in which she worked. She couldn't believe it. Her pastor watching her undress through the hole in the wall.

Being the compliant person she was, plus being indoctrinated to believe the pastor was always right, she deeply stuffed the anger. Her husband, being the same kind of person, encouraged her repressing technique of handling emotions and just suggested she not disrobe in the office anymore. They chose not to say a word to the pastor.

To suggest to her that she resented her pastor was hard for her to swallow. "A good Christian just doesn't get angry," was her premise. The pastor situation was just the surface issue. We peeled off onion layers of rejections, hurts and bitterness over the next five counseling sessions. I was amazed to see the devastating trauma through which she had lived.
Her passive husband rejected her through emotional neglect. She resented his passive placidness deeply, but had camouflaged it by calling him a man of humility and meekness.

Her childhood was horrendous. Her dad left the family of five for another woman when Martha was eight years old. Her mother became a prostitute, bringing the men home with her. Not only would she view the panorama of sexual acts but was also exposed to participation herself.
She came through this childhood ordeal without losing her sanity because of a neighbor lady who took her to church. This was her oasis - the only place where she felt loved and accepted.

Martha's vulgar thoughts toward God began lessening after the third visit. By the sixth session,(spread out over about 12 weeks) she was nearly free.
Periodically, she had a dysfunctional thought and realized that she was either not facing a current anger, or a deeper hurt was surfacing that needs a deeper level of "forgivingness."

Martha is an example of the darkness dweller that wears religious masks to avoid facing the garbage within. She was not even aware of what she was doing, but the destructiveness was devastating.

More on healthy self-examination in about a week. Have a stressless pre-Christmas!!!

Identity # 12 THE "BUTCHER KNIFE PROPHET"

Continuing on our Search for Identity, we're zeroing in on healthy self examination. One of my former clients gave me permission to use his story. He entitles it "a white robe over nasty underwear."

The Lord had seemingly given "Pete" the gift of prophecy. He would sense that God would be telling him to go to Fort Walton Beach, Florida (a trip of about 5 hours from Birmingham). He was to go to a certain pier where he would meet a man with a red baseball cap. Pete was to minister to him.

Sure enough, after the long drive, Pete would pull up to the pier and there stood a man in a red baseball cap. A conversation was initiated and it was obvious that God had sent Pete to encourage, comfort and instruct the man. This kind of experience happened frequently.

However, as Pete so graphically described, "I had concentrated on my spiritual gift and had a blind eye to my character." He was in my office because he had just taken a large hunting knife and out of a fit of rage, destroyed $3000 worth of furniture and threatened to kill his wife.

Rather than allowing his gaze at God to penetrate through his fig leaves, and reveal garbage within, Pete kept busy with religious activity ... a white robe over nasty underwear. Hurts, hates, guilt, selfishness, insecurity and other "nasties" lay submerged for years and finally exploded through the destructive blade of the butcher knife. A religious mask.

Rationalize, attack, rearrange and religious masks. Do any of these apply to you? It’s often more comfortable living in darkness but, is the payoff worth it?

A challenge we all have: we can sweep the streets and make them look clean. But until we climb down into the sewer and clean out the filth beneath the streets, we're obscuring God's production of his qualities and fruit in our lives.

Search for Identity -DARKNESS DWELLING 11

We're examing the importance of self evaluation in building a healthy and godly self image. But it isn't natural to do so. We hide from ourselves.

Adam and Eve started this darkness\denial process, covering themselves with fig leaves and hiding behind a tree. They set a pattern that we all tend to follow. We'd rather camouflage the sin within, live in darkness and not face ourselves or God.

It is more comfortable. Looking inward can be painful. Even depressing. Why bother to examine oneself if it just leads to greater awareness of selfishness, pride, resentment or unbelievable sorrow.
Yet, if that awareness shows us dysfunctional thinking or behavior, and gives us a greater thirst for God's answers, then the temporary pain of looking inward brings ultimate payoff. A quiet growth in grace and character. A cleaning out of the garbage within. A greater freedom, peace, joy, contentment, wholeness. A more healthy self perception. Praise the Lord. That is what is available to us as Christians.

But it begins with gazing at God sufficiently to see what is within ourselves that is not of God and needs change. When we begin to look inward there still is a tendency to want to escape what we’re observing about ourselves. One or more of four avenues are taken.

RATIONALIZING
My wife says to me "Ray, you're being too harsh."
If I want to stay in darkness, not facing the light of what she just said, I'll rationalize: "Hey, Theresa, I'm not as harsh as I once was." (As if that gives me three points and victory.) But I'm not facing and resolving the destructiveness of harshness at that moment. I'm choosing to stay in darkness by rationalizing. The result? No change. No growth. Probably a little more guilt.
Can you give an example of this in your life?

ATTACKING/BLAMESHIFTING
Attacking is another favorite trick to keep out of the light. "Ray, you're being too harsh," my wife says. "Well, Theresa, how about you? You're always ..." and I get off on my pet peeve about her. Blameshifting. I don't have to face me if I can place the bee on her. Can you give an example of this in your life?
Rationalizing, attacking/blameshifting and some folk rearrange rather than come out of the darkness and face the light and grow.

REARRANGE
"My husband is treating me unfairly; I'll just get a job and not have to be around him that much."
"My wife is a nag; I'll work longer hours to avoid her unpleasantness."
"I'm single. Lonely. I'll stay busy."
Rearranging, coping, rather than facing the light, looking within and making attitudinal changes necessary. It is easier to change circumstances than alter attitudes. Does this apply to you? And lastly:

WEARING RELIGIOUS MASKS
Rationalizing, attacking, rearranging and now, wearing religious masks is examined as the fourth type of darkness dweller.
Rather than facing troubling issues within, it is easier to be religious. Be in church every time the door is open. Tithe. Bible studies, witnessing classes, choir, meetings galore ... nothing wrong with these individually, but in masse, it spells avoidance. Like the Pharisees, very religious, but oblivious to the garbage within.
Which of these four best characterizes you?

THE "BUTCHER KNIFE PROPHET" will be described in the next post.

Who, Me? Healthy self examination - 10

Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Search me O God – not excessive naval gazing introspection but allowing God to search us. Being open and available for His inspection. Thus, the beginning of building healthy self esteem is knowing God more deeply.

What happens when we get a clear look at God? Isaiah describes it in chapter 6. The first four verses depict the grand awesomeness of God. 6:1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying.3 And they were calling to one another: "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory."4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

“I saw the Lord,” said Isaiah. He pictures the awesome majesty of God. Then, verse 5.
Isaiah 6:5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live
among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."
In some fashion Isaiah saw God. He observed the awesome holiness of God. His gaze at God's holiness, revealed Isaiah's "unholiness" in contrast. "I am unclean," was his response.

Job had the same experience.
Job 42:5-6 " My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

Basically, both Job and Isaiah are saying "when you indeed see God, you are made aware of the lack of God in your life - your ungodliness." His purity reveals our impurity. (We won't stop there. We'll later explore the positive benefits of "seeing" God.)
"Oophda," as the Norwegians would say, "I don't know if I want to view God if the result is seeing my inadequacy, my inner garbage." So often that is the life theme we live out. We don't want to look inward.

I’m reminded of John Calvin's challenge: you can't know God if you don't know self and you can’t know yourself without knowing God. And part of knowing self is to see the garbage within that needs purging – the stuff that tears down healthy self perception.
All of us tend not to look inward. We excuse it by saying “I don’t believe in naval gazing.” However, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Our natural tendency is to cover the ungodliness within by living in darkness. John describes it in John 3:19-21 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil."
Crime is more rampant in the evening hours. Darkness cloaks its activities. Men love darkness .... How would your personalize these thoughts? 1. very little self examination; 2. Too much or morbid introspection; or 2, an adequate self perception.

More on healthy self examination in Monday's post.

Search for Identity - Bonding 9

How is bonding between individuals manifested? Bonding is reflected by the way a significant other:
$ Speaks about the individual, reflecting an understanding attitude and interest about the individual.
$ Holds and touches an individual.
$ Willingly allows the individual to enter a strange environment.
$ Encourages the individual to be socially secure.
$ Encourages the individual to be self-confident.
$ Encourages the development of the individual's self concept.

$ Responds to the individual's problems:
o acceptance and coping = positive bonding
o detachment, rejection, withdrawal = negative bonding

$ Deals with the individual's problems:
o blaming, ostracizing, condemning = poor bonding
o cooperative, helpful, understanding = good bonding

What are some ways to encourage bonding?
$ Talk face to face with an individual.
$ Get on the other person's level for eye to eye contact when talking
$ Use physical touch when interacting
$ Work at meeting the "match" of the individual by encouraging him to do things for which he is ready and capable.
$ Speak in a loving, caring manner to the individual
$ Show respect for the individual
$ Interact with the individual at his level of understanding and ability
$ Listen carefully to the individual; offer empathy and understanding when he is troubled.
$ Be honest with the individual when describing or dealing with problems
$ Be supportive of the individual as he faces the harsh realities of life and becomes fearful, scared, or concerned about the future
$ Let the individual grow to be his own person by encouraging the development of independent and autonomous thinking
$ Assist the individual in becoming a good problem solver by encouraging open exploration and discussion of options and alternatives when facing problems at home, school, work, or in the community.

Origination of Healthy Self Esteem - 8

Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the: family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
$ Unconditional warmth, love, and caring
$ Acceptance for who they are;
$ Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible

$ For the environment to support the development of healthy self-esteem it must contain:
$ Recognition and acceptance of people for who they are
$ Clearly defined and enforced limits
$ Respect and latitude for individual action
$ Established freedom within the structure
$ Bonding

What is bonding? Bonding is...
$ Forming a mutual emotional attachment between an individual and a "significant other" (parent, child, friend, lover).
$ The significant other giving unconditional love to the individual.
$ Developing an emotional link between the individual and the significant other.
$ Developing a sense of security for the individual.
$ Establishing an emotional intimacy and sense of closeness between the individual and the significant other.
$ Helping the individual feel a healthy sense of identity.
$ Transmitting links between the individual and the significant other through which nonverbal communication and understanding takes place.
$ Providing the individual with a sense of belonging or being connected.
$ Bringing the individual into the larger network of caring and love present in the extended environment.
$ Concern and love of the individual by the significant other, exhibited in all aspects of the individual's life.

Mone on bonding tomorrow.

Search for Identity - an assessment - 7

Self-Esteem Assessments are fallible, however they can give us a fairly good picture of how we perceive ourselves. Have some fun with this one.

Respond with: Strongly agree; slightly agree; or disagree
1. When faced with a difficult task, I either do not try at all or give up easily. _____
2. People unjustly walk all over me. _____
3. I am careful never to depend on others. _____
4. I often find myself clinging to another person. _____
5. I rarely discuss my deepest thoughts with anyone. _____

6. I constantly seek companionship. _____
7. I seek to be alone rather than participate socially. _____
8. I tend to put myself down and exaggerate the importance of others. _____
9. I am shy and feel nervous when with others. _____
10. It makes me angry when people compare me to others who are doing better than myself. _____

11. I usually blame others for my problems. _____
12. I fear rejection and will do most anything to obtain approval. _____
13. I dwell on the unfavorable remarks and criticisms made by others. _____
14. I try to attract attention by any method that seems likely to succeed._____
15. I try to goven others. _____

16. I often try to get even with people who wrong me. _____
17. I feel satisfaction from ill news about another, even a public figure whom I do not know. _____
18. I need a sense of accomplishment at all times. _____
19. I play second fiddle too much, always a follower and never a leader, even permitting myself to be led against my will and better judgment. _____
20. I can’t accept praise without some embarrassment._____

21. I’m easily jealous. _____
22. I often boast about myself. _____
23. I am a very competitive person and must always win. I’ll even take advantage of others to win. _____
24. I find it difficult to make decisions. _____
25. I am often loud and boisterous. _____

26. I fear being different. _____
27. If I fail to get recognition, I pout._____
28. I am a perfectionist and often see myself as more capable than others. _____
29. I’m very selfish. ____
30. I don’t compliment others. _____

31. I enjoy correcting the mistakes of others._____
32. I have a difficult time making and keeping friends.
33. I often compare myself with others._____
34. I often fail. _____
35. Laziness, procrastination and lack of self-discipline are problems for me. _____

This assessment is designed to create a greater self awareness.No score is pass or fail. It would be helpful to have a close friend score you on this test also.

THREE Faces of Low Self-Esteem - 6

Continuing our series on self esteem:

Most of us have an image of what low self-esteem looks like, but it is not always so easy to recognize. Here are three common faces that low self-esteem may wear:

The Impostor: acts happy and successful, but is really terrified of failure. Lives with the constant fear that she or he will be "found out." Needs continuous successes to maintain the mask of positive self-esteem, which may lead to problems with perfectionism, procrastination, competition, and burn-out.

The Rebel: acts like the opinions or good will of others - especially people who are important or powerful - don't matter. Lives with constant anger about not feeling "good enough." Continuously needs to prove that others' judgments and criticisms don't hurt, which may lead to problems like blaming others excessively, breaking rules or laws, or fighting authority.

The Loser: acts helpless and unable to cope with the world and waits for someone to come to the rescue. Uses self-pity or indifference as a shield against fear of taking responsibility for changing his or her life. Looks constantly to others for guidance, which can lead to such problems as lacking assertiveness skills, under-achievement, and excessive reliance on others in relationships.

Do you relate to any of the three? Hang in there with me. We'll explore in the next several weeks the process of "being transformed by the renewing of the mind."