In Kentucky, under construction

Son Ray with Holly, Barron Olaf land Bella Rose
“Watch me papa,” two-year-old Bella Rose exclaims, as she does a dance routine, or does a summersault on the lawn, or any other activity to get our attention.

“Out of the mouth of babes,” the Lord may speak. He is using my granddaughter to remind me that all those years I sought affirmation through performance (though in more sophisticated ways than Bella) were so selfcentered - so me-oriented that it precluded loving and encouraging others as I really wanted to do. “And Ray," that quiet, loving inner voice says, "there’s a smidgen left.“

Then from my one-year-old grandson, Barron Olaf, comes the running to me with outstretched arms, not saying a word, but body language imploring “I need you to hold me.” And how self-sufficiency gets in the way of my coming consistently to Jesus in like manner. “Come unto Me and I will give you ….” Out of the mouth of babes!

Our “Grandparenting ministry” continues in Kentucky for a couple more weeks. I’m wondering if this venture is more for our (my) learning and growth than a ministry to our adult children and grandchildren.!!!"""""

Theresa gave me permission to use her daily journal entry from this morning which will show you how both of us are "under construction."
Boy, have things been rough here. The problem: I brought way more than I realized of my stinky, fleshly self!! I thought that judgmental part of me had at least diminished a bunch - nope!!! Sprang to life big time! God grabbed me by my bug-bitten cheeks yesterday and said, "Do us both a favor and ponder Proverbs 3:5 & 6." So very helpful! I paraphrased it and want to share it with you. I'll put it at the end.

It's one thing to come to "serve" - i.e., jump in and fix things. It's another to come to love unconditionally. I've been horrified at how angry and critical I've felt! And overwhelmed. One example: Three days a week Holly babysits for 2 little boys ages 1 & 2. That makes 4 kids 2 and under. Monday I went to the RV in tears, not able to tolerate their screaming for one more moment - feeling like a cowardly failure for not being able to help Holly. I understood why people drink to oblivion! Today after pondering making some internal changes, I was actually able to sit on the floor and take turns holding the 3 boys this morning.

The older girls are in Chicago with their mom's parents. I've really connected with the nine year old, Jordan. She's very much an introvert and easily gets lost in the hectic activity, especially with extroverted older and younger sisters. I've been amazed at her depth when we've taken time together. That's been a good thing.

Pray for me when you think about me. God is allowing me to see some hardness in myself that appalls me. I'd like to not take it home with me - or to the next kid's place, if we have the courage to do this again. At one point I decided I'd go home, get a job and quit relating to people! That might be a bit premature :)



This is the paraphrase I wrote:

Trust Me with all your heart, Theresa.

Your Mom heart, your wife heart, your friend heart, your retired heart, your Christ-follower heart, your introvert heart.

Don’t try to figure things out.

Yes, I gave you a triple dose of thinking strengths. And I didn’t make a mistake. Don’t try to figure out the dynamics of Ray’s family. That is not productive. Don’t try to analyze young Ray. You’re missing the big picture as you strain for the details. Think on Me. Discipline your mind to focus on me. I know all, and I have a plan. And I’m capable of letting you know your part. And if perchance I don’t have a plan, you certainly couldn’t come up with one.

Let Me be a part of everything. Invite Me into every thought. Don’t think you can step aside from Me and stew without My knowing. And certainly don’t think that you can figure anything out without My help. Even if you think you can or that you have, be assured that your thoughts aren’t in anyone’s best interest. That’s My department. Be mindful of Me every moment: when a conversation is going well, when the kids are screaming, when you feel like a failure, when life is good. Make Me a part of all of that.

I promise that I will lead you and take care of you. Anywhere you go without me won’t be good, not in the long run. No matter how harried the moment, how angry you are, how dysfunctional the relationship, how hopeless the situation, I have a way through. I’m not surprised nor am I unprepared. And I certainly am not unequipped. But you are. You need Me, Theresa Sue. Stick close. You’re in over your head.

Notes from Kentucky

Son Ray with his children Kendal holding Barron
Olaf, Jordan holding Bella Rose.


I’ve always thought of spiritual disciplines as the development of a Christ-like character growth - an imploring of the Creator to do a work in me that was dreadfully needed, not accomplishable by my own strength.

Dallas Willard adds a spiritual discipline dimension in “Rejuvenation of the Heart” that is inspiring. A major role of spiritual disciplines is to cause the duplicity and malice to surface and be dealt with. Disciplines of solitude, fasting, worship and service make room for the Word and the Spirit to work in us, and to permit destructive feelings - feelings that are easily veiled by standard practices and circumstances and by long accepted rationalizations- to be perceived and dealt with for what they are: our will and not God’s will

Those feelings are normally clothed in layer upon layer of habitual self-deception and rationalization. Typically they will have enslaved the will, and it in turn coerced the mind to conceal or rationalize what is really going on.

For example, it was during solitude that I was confronted with a depth of selfishness with which I was unaware. “Buy an RV, take a year to travel to be with your kids and grandkids. Focus your energies on building relationships with extended family - especially with grandkids. A Grandparenting Ministry.

My initial response: “Hey that will take me out of my comfort zone. More stress means more Parkinson’s fallout. That also means giving up my weekly band of brothers - leaving my church and friends. Leaving my comfortable home. My shop where I create wonderful wood things. And my Solstice convertible. And besides I was never grandparented. Why do I need to be inconvenienced. They will do just fine without me.”

Can you believe that came out of me?
Ya shore. You betcha! Guilty as charged. Duplicity exposed. A benefit of the spiritual discipline of solitude.

Grandparenting Ministry update.

We were able to maneuver our RV down the driveway and round the corner of my son’s place in Ft. Thomas,Ky. Have been here five days. I’m normally about 6 foot tall - feel 4-10 and heading to 7-1.Being stretched. Out of my self-centered comfort zone. Four precious children - teen to 1 ½. Lots of opportunity to love on and encourage! Yard work, painting and fix-it Papa projects consume ou time.
However, being an early riser, I have time for meditation and knowing God better time. I’d like to share this mornings session with you.
There are times that what I read, really grabs my attention. The same material to someone else or at a different time doesn’t have the electrical magnetism. In reading Dallas Willard’s “Rejuvenation of the Heart“: this morning, his perspective of our growth in Christian maturity “cranked my engine.” Let me summarize it for you.

Progression in our spiritual journey - in our complete identification of our will with God’s begins with surrender. Surrender to His supremacy in all things. We may do it grudgingly and parts of us may still resist, but we’re willing to be made willing.

From surrender we move on to abandonment - fully surrendered. While some things that happen to us may not be what God would wish or has brought about, yet He allows all, even the most tragic loss, to have some redeemable quality (Romans 8:28). “We kiss the rod of affliction which strikes us, even while trembling with weakness and pain.”

But there is more. Abandonment can lead to contentment… a state of . assurance that God has done and will always do well by us, no matter what. Grumbling and complaining are gone. “Rejoice evermore” is natural and appropriate.

Beyond surrender, abandonment and contentment comes participation - an intelligent, energetic participation in accomplishing God’s will in our world. We are carried along by the divine drama within as we live actively engaged, devoted to the realization of righteousness all around us. “Not I but Christ who lives in me.”
This progression is there for us to enter now, through the power at work within us as followers of Jesus Christ.

Stuttering and Parkinson’s is stretching me in the contentment arena! I get so frustrated when trying to speak and the word refuses to leave my tongue. I’m sure that leads to more stress, producing more stuttering. "Father, I want to commit myself to You at an even deeper level of trust.

How about you? Where do you find yourself in Willard’s progression?

Grandparenting ministry - day 4

This new “grandparenting ministry.” as mentioned in the last posting, might be as much for our good as for grand kids. I’m out of my comfort zone - my being at home regimen, that is so predictable, so secure. Life is “out of my control here. Traffic through the big cities - hectic. A nasty four-car accident not only slows down traffic, but reminds us of our mortality. The truck, on a fritz, cost us unplanned bucks and 5 hours in a Ford shop waiting room. Just a small sampling of being oout of control.
As I ask people going through some type of adversity: “what can you learn from this?” I’m asking myself the same question.
I believe what the Lord is wanting to teach me now is a deeper trust in Him - regardless of circumstances.
Psalm 62 tells me “wait patiently on the Lord for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my fortress where I will not be shaken.” That is a concept that can only be.learned when circumstancs are uncomfortable - like now!
“Father, thanks for your patience with this hardheaded Norwegian/Estonian and continue to work in me a deeper trust .
After 2000 miles, we see the kids this evening. Yea!

To those of you who are following our personal life, beginning our new grandparenting "ministry," at the combined age of 136, we're on the road.

First stop: Ft. Thomas, Ky to be with Ray II and his family. We made it to Rock Springs, Wyoming through a very windy stormy day, with the dash board saying "check the emission system." Hope to find a good mechanic in the morning.
Our desire is to spend extended time with each of our children.
Our RV Mission Statement goes as follows:
*To provide a retreat for ourselves as we spend time in the homes of our extended family;

*To get to know our children better as adults;

*To know our gandchildren and develop influential reltionship with them;

*To provide time for our adult children to retreat from their ordinary responsibilities

Affirmation of others 3

In our last post we spoke of the skill of listening to affirm others. Listening becomes more proactive with the asking of questions. It has been said, “Good questioning skills may be the world's most unsung talent. Ask the right questions in the right way, and you'll engage people; do it differently, and you'll put them off.”

One successful sales person states:"Sellin’ ain’t tellin’, askin’ is." I heard this simple but true homily years ago when working in Texas. Merrill Lynch spent thousands of dollars and six months in California and New York on sophisticated courses and seminars to train me to sell stocks and bonds. Yet, over the years this bit of country wisdom from Texas has been one of the most powerful and useful lessons I’ve ever learned. To be successful in sales, you must master the art of asking questions. WHY? One of the most obvious reasons you ask questions is to acquire information. The conscientious professional will spend a great deal of time and effort to learn about their client. The person asking questions is always in control of a discussion. This control can be used gracefully to lead and direct the client to a successful outcome or it can be abused."

As important as the art of listening is for sales people, how much more for building long-lasting, deeply caring relationships.

There seem to be three main types of questions: factual which has components of general or personal. Interpretive. And evaluative, which involves the most risk of rejection.

For example
` Impersonal factual questions have only one correct answer, like “who won the game last night, Celtics or Lakers?" A more personal factual question would be “did your favorate team win the game last night?” Factual questions usually “break the ice” and can lead to the next depth of relationship: Interpretive questions.

“In the Lakers / Celtics game, why do you think the Celtics won?” The answers are not right or wrong, but the exercise quickens the affirmation for the person.

And lastly, the Evaluative questions. Asking for some kind of opinion, belief or point of view. “So, if you were the coach of the Lakers, what would you have done differently to beat the Celtics?” There are no wrong answers. The depth of relationship is expanded. Affirmation for the other is quickened.

The art of asking questions.

Suggestions for affirming others. 2

We’ve had the privledge of hosting my daughter Gretchen and her two children for a week. What a joy to have a daughter who has a teachable spirit and a deep heart for God and is modeling that for her children. They are on their way to Gretchen’s mother’s side of the family reunion in Walla Walla, honoring her grandmother on her 93rd birthday.

Back now to “Suggestions for Affirming Others.”

FOCUS ON LISTENING TO OTHERS.

I am one good listener…by default. I stutter. Can’t talk. What option do I have – but to listen? One of the “blessings” of stuttering is to focus on listening. The old saying is true, “you can’t learn from others when you’re talking.” The ability to listen has in part been a reason my counseling practice was successful.

I love to hear people’s stories and in the process of listening I not only learn but also make the speaker feel better about him/herself. Would you rather be around a person who talks all the time or with one who listens and encourages you to reveal your thoughts.

In searching the word “listen” in Strong’s Concordance, I found it listed only once. Isaiah 49:1 Listen O isles, unto me; and hearken… The Hebrew word is “shama” defined in part to “hear intelligently.” Not just listen but listen intelligently. That means focus on the person and what they are communicating.

The New Living Translation of the Bible lists the word “listen” 584 times. Must be pretty important. It is interesting to note that the words “speak” and “talk” are listed about the same number of times as “listen.” For a bit of trivia, google has 283 million sites for the word.

To develop the skill of listening (without the blessing of stuttering), it seems to involve an intentional exercise. A practice of listening and then reporting back something like, "I've heard you say.... Am I listening accurately?"

Listening to others affirms their importance.

Suggestions for affirming others.

Dr. Mark and Nancy Pitts
A dear friend, Dr. Mark Pitts, former academic dean at NNU, currently a missionary in Uganda, on his way with his wife Nan to an administrative role at Point Loma University, gave me one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. I especially appreciated it because I didn’t feel I had done anything to deserve it.
Now, if he had said, “You are the greatest 71-year-old basketball player alive,” I could have puffed out my chest and said, "bring on all comers." I have spent a life time honing those skills. But his words of affirmation were: “ I’d like you to make a list of ‘Ray Burwick's 10 suggestions for making people feel loved and building friendships.’"

I hadn’t thought of myself as that personable, especially because one of my traits is to ask people tough questions – that sometimes makes them feel uncomfortable and put on the spot. That might be in part from my many years of counseling experience. In part, I love to help people become more free and whole from whatever has become a log chain to them. That at times involves facing painful memories, resurrected by my questioning. And because I was an only child for nine years until sister Linda was born, I tend to think of “me”, rather than think of “us.” That doesn’t tend to make people feel loved and accepted.

However I do enjoy encouraging people. And apparently that has been a good thing from Mark’s eyes. So after much thought, prayer, and asking my wife what she thought, I begin to propose RB’s 10 suggestions for making people feel loved.

I think it begins with what Dallas Willard says in his book “Revolution of the Heart” – “the four movements of love.”
The first movement being
1. Loves comes from God (1 John 4:7) God loved us first (1 John 4:10). When we receive what is thus clearly given, this in turn makes it possible for us to love.
2. We love because He first loved us. Willard states that the second movement is inseparable from the third movement.
3. Our love of others who love God. (1 John 4:12). (John 13:34-35.)
4. The first three movements of love insure that we are loved by others. “The fellowship of Christ’s apprentices is kingdom living is a community of love.

Know God, His grace, mercy and love which prompts us to return love to Him and others. In a community of Jesus followers that love is shared with us. We feel loved.

Some of us have had very little affirming love in our families of origin. Thus to spend consistent time in connecting to God, learning of His love and subsequently sharing it with others would be the first suggestion on RB’s 10 suggestions for making people feel loved.

Encouragement

Kristin Williams. Our society has taken on a very individualistic tenor. We’re missing out on the Romans 12 body life that indicates that we really do need each other and can experience real blessings from others. That was my case yesterday.Romans 12:4-5 came alive where I was experiencing some deadness.
“Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, 5 so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” And the following verses speak to the unique gifts that the Holy Spirit has given us.

I’ve been fairly discouraged about the increased Parkinson’s symptoms and the increase in stuttering blockage. I had asked the Lord to empower me to get back to the normal Christian perspective: “give thanks for all things, and in all things;” and “rejoice evermore.” It seemed to be an insurmountable task. Then Theresa’s daughter (my step-daughter – though I hate to use the word “step”) sent me an email for the book “Streams in the Desert.”
What a great source of encouragement. May I share it with you? It is entitled, “Great faith must endure great trials.”

“God's greatest gifts come through great pain. Can we find anything of value in the spiritual or the natural realm that has come about without tremendous toil and tears? Has there ever been any great reform, any discovery benefitting humankind, or any soul-awakening revival, without the diligence and the shedding of blood of those whose suffering were actually the pangs of its birth? For the temple of God to be built, David had to bear intense afflictions. And for the gospel of grace to be extricated from Jewish tradition, Paul's life had to be one long agony.

Take heart, O weary, burdened one, bowed down
Beneath your cross;
Remember that your greatest gain may come
Through greatest loss.
Your life is nobler for a sacrifice,
And more divine.
Acres of blooms are crushed to make a drop
Of perfume fine.
Because of storms that lash the ocean waves,
The waters there
Keep purer than if the heavens o'erhead
Were always fair.
The brightest banner of the skies floats not
At noonday warm;
The rainbow follows after thunderclouds,
And after storm."

Thanks, Kristin Williams, for your thoughtful sensitivity.