Death Produced Loneliness

An old friend, Fred Crowell, came to town this week, working with his Northwest Basketball Camps We had been partners and buddies for many years. We reminised including talking about the joy of our marriages. He complimented Theresa as a great woman for me, along with my first wife Ann who died in 1999.
It brought back the memories of the grief process after Ann’s death. I share it with you as an example of how loss can be turned to gain. The following is from my journal late 1999.

As the months ensued, initial grief was followed by a deep hunger for companionship.
I became very lonely in the home. To give you an idea of what it was like. What do you do when a telephone soliciter calls? You either ask for his phone number so you can call him back during his dinner time; or, you quickly say “no thanks”; or, if you’re feeling real spiritual, you say “I’ll give you a minute of my time if you give me a minute of yours” and you share the 4 spiritual laws with them. Well, I have taken each of those approaches at different times. However, here I found myself engaging in conversation , asking about their life - with a telemarketer. Now, that is lonely! Like the spinster who received a phone call. The male voice on the other end of the line said, “Will you arry me?” To which she replied, “Yes. ---- What is your name?” That is lonely!

Outside of the home there was great companionship with the college students and colleagues with whom I worked. I spent very little time in the home. Working 14 hours a day, six days a week helped anesthetize the pain. I didn’t want to go home. Home was more than the street address where I lived. What makes home is who lives there. Ann was gone. It wasn’t home anymore without Ann. Isolation bounced off the walls shouting “you’re all alone. You will always be all alone.” I desired to listen to that voice as little as possible.

A busy schedule working long hours a day was part of my therapy. However, God began to nudge me toward Himself for His spiritual therapy. A verse I had read hundreds of times took on new meaning: John 14:23 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. "

God was concerned about my loneliness. My daily Bible reading took on new meaning as I pondered the thoughts, “I’m actually communicating, developing companionship, with God and Jesus and they are right here in my own home.” A deepening intimacy with Them ensued.
Like the teacher who read to her children's SS class the text 'my yoke is easy." She asked the class what that meant. A boy said a yoke is something they put on the necks of animals. Then the teacher asked, what is the yoke God puts on us? To which a little girl said, "It is God putting His arms around our necks."
Deepening intimacy with Abba PaPa ... in my own home. Ann can’t be replaced. She is in heaven. But God is becoming, as it were, a wife, a companion to me. My gain.