Cowsbell Recovery - 7 the Finish

Thanks "Cowsbell" for allowing us to peak in your kitchen window and learn about the significance of transparency from you, and now the recovery process. ray b

I found myself out-of-control, my life unmanageable, unable to follow through intentions. A month later, in desperation I called a trusted friend, briefly explaining my failure and asking him for help as I knew I wouldn’t pull out of this on my own. He asked to involve a mutual friend and I readily agreed—I needed help! He called me back in a few minutes and a meeting of the three of us was set for the next day.

I committed to doing whatever they said no matter and they agreed to call me every day, get together once a week, and ask me pointedly how I was doing with details. I accepted their terms not knowing how quickly the commitment would be tested.

With this step, a tremendous relief swept over me as though the problem had been taken care of—this was short-lived. At our first meeting, they laid out several “to do’s” all of which seemed reasonable until they got to the last point: I would attend a weekly seminar on co-dependency and addictions. I protested that all I needed was to quit doing what I was doing and that neither of those problems were mine. Even as I entered the seminar three days later, I protested but stuck to my commitment to do as told. The information was well presented and probably applied to some but not me—it was the third week as the leader talked about family dynamics in co-dependency that my shields began fall and I considered I may have issues.

I was desperate to get back to normal, to get past any of my past issues, wanted the information so I could fix it and get on with life. Since then I have seen dozens of others express the same desire with the same dismay I expressed when no one would just give me the answers. By week four I knew I was co-dependent from my earliest years, wanting to please others and depending on them to please me. I could see the desire to please in my Workaholism, that performance driven type-A personality I developed. When a support group formed out of this seminar, I attended both and then started weekly sessions with a licensed Doctor of Psychotherapy. In relatively short order, I began to see the addictions and their holds on my life.

There was a struggle though as I began to understand my addictions—as soon as I began to stop acting out and felt better, I began to convince myself this was good enough. An early writing assignments documenting early patterns and feelings reminded me shortcuts had failed me before and I needed to stay the course. That commitment was vital for almost immediately, life became more difficult. Without any of my former coping skills, I needed healthy ones but those take time to develop so I relied on my support groups to keep me honest and faithful to my goals.

In my recovery process, we used faith in God and the 12-Steps as a format. Each week I had homework, accountability, encouragement and support. I found that each was vital as I moved into steps that took me back into my hidden life, the life that I had locked into a dark, cold place of my soul, a place where others have emotions but where I only allowed coldness. As with many in recovery, the personal inventory was profoundly challenging as I worked through a lifetime of forgotten damages tied to the emotions so long suppressed. It wasn’t unusual to journal on one emotion and fill two or more pages with hurts I never had dealt with, some fifty years before.

Over the next two-and-a-half years, I struggled through the labyrinth of my emotional past while trying to live health in the present. Learning real safe places, being honest about pain, respecting others, setting relational boundaries were all new skills for me which even now after more than 7 years are daily challenges but it is so worthwhile to be living a total life, nothing hidden.

I have even learned to appreciate the emotional pains that life brings—it is good to feel honest emotions and not be controlled by the unknown past, to be living not a life conformed to the past but life in the now, unrestrained by others who once shaped me. After living so many years running from the causes and suffering the symptoms, it is good to deal with reality, to resolve the past, to live in the present.

It is good to live as my Creator designed me, whole and free, living in Him, having life renewed, having a whole and healthy soul, emotions as God intended.
I never imagined how good feelings could feel; I wouldn’t go back to who I wasn’t for anything!

I have an anonymous e-mail account if anyone from the blog wants to contact me. It is:

cowsbell@gmail.com