I have the joy and privilege of teaching my anger workshop to the men at the Lighthouse Mission. All are ex-cons, been druggies and are striving hard to make a new life. Some have let me tell their story. This is Paul's.
I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend. In my house! Drugs weren’t immediately available. So I robbed a store. Result? Prison.
What is a young, good looking, pleasant personality guy who was an involved church goer and Christian doing in a place like that? As I interviewed Paul, I learned that his robbery experience began at the age of 11 by stealing a pack of cigarettes from a store. Got caught and his parents paid the fine. “It’s real strange,” the 25-year-old exclaimed. “Every three to four months I just go crazy. I’m doing well. Have a great job. Thinking clearly. Got friends, money, a house and car. Walking with God. Then, bam. I self-destruct. Alcohol, drugs and sex begin to creep back in. I begin to push away relationships. As people know me I fear they’ll not like me. I get angry. They don’t meet my expectations so I run away. It’s easier that way.”
Paul describes his childhood as a product of divorce at the age of three. He reports that his mom left his dad because of his alcohol and drug abuse. He had very little contact with him until the seventh grade when he lived with him for a year. At that time his dad was a youth pastor. He described his step-dad as passive and didn’t have relationship with him until this past year.
Mother was described as a Bible college graduate, very loving and a strong intercessory prayer warrior.
What is underneath the destructive behavior? We’re speculating. As a young teenager, he lived in a rough neighborhood where he was beat up a lot. He tried everything to be liked and accepted. No one did except druggies. He didn’t have to suffer consequences of aberrant behavior until prison. There is a rebellious streak in Paul. His behavior could in part be passive aggressive – an unconscoius getting back at someone. Self discipline is lacking. The self-exploration stage is currently in vogue.
One of the most destructive activities happened after being involved in a very controlling church atmosphere. He was doing well, was liked by everyone at church. He says, “I got prideful and became lax in my commitment with God. Sex and alcohol began to enter my life again. I confessed it to the church leaders and they ostracized me. Told everyone at church that they were not to associate with me. It destroyed me. I went crazy. I tried suicide two times. Quit my job. Lost my car. Kicked out of school. Beer and meth took over. Confinement to a hospital produced various sorts of diagnoses. I was caught with a DUI as a felon and sent to prison for 5 to 10. A miracle happened. The judge gave me 10 months and recommended I go to a rehab facility. I asked him to make it mandatory so I’d have to stick it out for a year.
I’m at the Lighthouse and learning.” Paul finished the interview with these words: “This last time I chose to entirely destroy my life. I hurt and pushed away every person who cared for me and I thought I had spit in God’s face for the last time. I thought God had utterly forsaken me and I had gone too far to go over the edge to ever come back to Christ. At the end of my rope when I was all alone and I thought nobody cared, God showed up in my desperation and showed me His Agape love. I realized the intimate love and relationship I so intensly sought for only came from God. “Now my intimacy with my savior is being restored and the deep bitterness I have been harboring towards myself and others is being healed. I am finally finding freedom from my unstable lifestyle and I am finishing this program which is building a new hope for a productive future.”
Paul
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