Search for Identity - part 2

What Does Your "internal Voice" Say To You?

Our past experiences, even the things we don't usually think about, are all alive and active in our daily life in the form of an Internal Voice. Although most people do not "hear" this voice in the same way they would a spoken one, in many ways it acts in a similar way, constantly repeating those original messages to us dating all the way back to early childhood – some say even into the womb.

For people with healthy self-esteem the messages of the inner voice are positive and reassuring. For people with low self-esteem, the inner voice becomes a harsh inner critic, constantly criticizing, punishing, and belittling their accomplishments – either seeking for recognition or approval or possibly seeking for seclution, life is too painful.

Let’s examine this more closely.. How do we think positively of ourselves when other people keep telling us that we are "selfish," "stupid," or "dysfunctional"? Exposure to frequent negative labeling or name-calling from parents or peers can help cause us to internalize those messages, creating our negative “inner voice.”

Possibly your mother was very controlling and dominating. The subtle voice that came through was, “Son, you’re not capable enough to handle life, I’ve got to control and dominate to take care of you.. The resulting inner voice is, “I’m not good enough,” often producing a passive child – “others will do for me.” Or, the other extreme, the aggressive type A, out to prove to the world that he is capable.

Possibly your dad was concerned about "being the best," making a lot of money, and "having the best." You inner dad voice is intolerant of failure and accustomed to hearing the words "stupid" or "idiot" whenever you didn't do something perfectly. Possibly you’ve been labeled "lazy," "bad," or "selfish." How loudly does your inner voice speak to you? How does it conflict with what God says about you and what your real self knows about you?

The inner voice can be so subtle. I’ve just finished a round of speech therapy. The disintegration of my Parkinson’s Disease and subsequent medication really kicked the life long pattern of stuttering into high gear. Pride had to be swallowed and I sought help. In my journaling as part of the therapy, I came in contact with an inner voice I hadn’t “heard” before. “If you stutter, people will see you as a blemished product. Don’t stutter.” So I fought (fight) it, causing more stress which exacerbated the stuttering.

Susan is a good example of what we’re discussing. She had been sent to my counseling office by her doctor. Sitting there in her drab blue hospital garb, fidgety,wild-eyed and heavily sedated, she said, “Three years of mediction hasn’t helped my problem.” She elaborated on the struggle she had just to live mostly because of an abusive father. Counseling revealed a very accusing inner voice.

Once she understood that self-expectations (and guilt) were coming from her internalized father and she could clearly verbalize them, then she could examine them from the point-of-view of her higher, more functional beliefs. One unrealistic expectation was, "I should never make a mistake. If I do, I should be severely--even eternally--punished for it." Another was "All addicts are bad people--permanently! They can't overcome this moral wrong."

Thoughts like "I am a bad person, because I am an addict" came from those dysfunctional beliefs. Once she was aware of these beliefs, she could accept or reject them based on how well they fit her newer, higher beliefs. For example, she could respond to these old messages by saying, "All people have great value--even addicts. I am not a bad person or a loser. I love myself unconditionally and am loved unconditionally--no matter what my past is. Even though I am not proud of all I did, I did not waste that time; I learned from it and could not be the person I am today without that experience. I will try to use that knowledge for my own and others' benefit."

That self-talk was the only thing that had ever worked to help her get lasting control of her guilt. (She was not a Christian, so tapping into God’s resource was not an option.)

Would it be helpful to do some healthy introspection to see if there is an inner voice triggering dysfunctional living for you?