Identity - Building Positive Self Esteem Man's Way 3

Grandkids love old pickups

Continuing the examination of a web site that portrays well a humanistic perspective on building positive self esteem.

We are not exactly the same people we were in the past. One thing to remember when we beat ourselves up now for past actions is that we are not the same people that made the errors in the past. So, in a sense, we are blaming the wrong person. We have learned and changed since then, so why criticize someone that doesn't even exist anymore? Focusing on past mistakes (beyond what we can constructively learn from them) is totally unproductive.

Recognize positive aspects of yourself--including your goal of growth and your past growth. Observe the importance of measuring your life by how much you learn and grow. Focus on your ultimate concern of overall happiness, and adopt abundant motivation by being grateful for all that you have received. Identify past positive actions and aspects of yourself. Make a list of all the positives about you--as you are now. (THOUGH POSSESSING SOME VALUABLE INSIGHTS, THIS APPEARS TO BE QUITE NARCISISTIC TO ME. it is part of man’s way of building positive self esteem.)

Put this list in a prominent place and keep reminding yourself of these qualities. Convert these general ideas into clear visual images that exemplify these qualities. Never let yourself state negatives about yourself without also stating positive qualities.

OVERCOME YOUR FEARS OF NEGATIVE LABELS
We can develop a huge fear about the truth behind a label. The fear of being labeled "stupid," "weird," "crazy," or any "whatsit" can be like a cancer eating away at our self-esteem. It can be a fear that others use to control us. It can prevent us from believing or doing many of the things that can help us grow and be happy.

One of my clients, a psychology graduate student, came in because he had low self-esteem and a combative relationship with a woman he loved. They got into arguments that started with mild disagreements, but quickly escalated into shouting matches or even physical brawls. He knew that he couldn't control his temper and suspected that it had something to do with his relationship with his father. Why did he always have to be right? Why was he so persistent and competitive--even over unimportant differences of opinion?

We explored his relationship with his father. His father was a brilliant scientist, had obtained a prestigious position at a very early age, and had achieved a great deal of recognition. But his father was very demanding. His father had hoped his son would someday become a great scientist. Whenever his son couldn't grasp an idea quickly, he would use a negative label like "stupid." My client's mother was also very bright and had a doctorate. Intelligence and science were supremely important in his family.

My client felt confused about his intelligence. Part of him believed he was intelligent. After all, he did well in school, and he thought that a high IQ ran in his family. But another part of him doubted his intelligence because his father had called him "stupid" all his life.
When my client developed interests in art and psychology instead of "hard science," his father was furious and felt like a failure as a father. He told his son what a stupid choice he had made and nearly disowned him. He felt he must be "stupid."

Yet being "smart"--even "brilliant"--was so important to him and his family, that he could not stand to think of himself as other than brilliant. He always had to be right--just like his father. To be wrong might imply that he was stupid (the ultimate sin). When a difference of opinion would arise with someone, he would either fight desperately to win and prove himself right or withdraw (out of fear of losing the other person's love.)

He, literally, didn't understand how to have a noncompetitive conversation over an issue and accept that two people could each have a legitimate point of view. He turned every discussion into a contest in which one person won and the other lost. His pride or self-image was at stake in every disagreement. This competitiveness undermined all of his relationships--especially those with women. Through self-exploration we had found that being thought "stupid" by himself or others was one of his worst fears in life. That was a major insight for him. But what could he do to overcome this fear?

Can you relate to this gentleman? More on the topic tomorrow.