We were lying in bed and my wife said, “My back sure hurts.” I said, “I’m sorry,” turned over and went to sleep. The next morning during my quiet time, the Holy Spirit gently said to me, “Why didn’t you rub her back?”
I saw my insensitivity and selfishness, repented and later asked her to forgive me. Her response instead of, “Yes, I forgive you” was “you have a thing about back rubs, don’t you.” I shared this with my Band of Brothers group and asked for accountability for the following week.
That night I gave her a nice long backrub. I finished and her response was “could you tickle it a bit more?”
Bingo! I pulled back quickly, my body language showing disgust. A pocket of pus was pricked! “It was never enough. I was not good enough.” That reactive mindset probably began with a perfectionist mother to whom I was never good enough. The message carried over to my next female relationship who was a “willing to receive, not willing to give” person. And my wife had a similar habit regarding backrubs. No matter how long I would rub her back the performance wasn’t quite enough. “Do this side a little more.”
The overall life-message I have received and unknowingly nurtured was, “Bill, you are never quite good enough”…no matter the activity.
Bingo! I pulled back quickly, my body language showing disgust. A pocket of pus was pricked! “It was never enough. I was not good enough.” That reactive mindset probably began with a perfectionist mother to whom I was never good enough. The message carried over to my next female relationship who was a “willing to receive, not willing to give” person. And my wife had a similar habit regarding backrubs. No matter how long I would rub her back the performance wasn’t quite enough. “Do this side a little more.”
The overall life-message I have received and unknowingly nurtured was, “Bill, you are never quite good enough”…no matter the activity.
Now, to handle this right I must forgive those significant people in my life that inadvertently passed down that message to me. I must obviously face my selfishness and repent – turn the other direction, focusing on giving. I need to remind myself that I’m not perfect. I won’t do everything perfect to please others and that is ok. Pleasing God is my desire and He already approves of me so I don’t need to perform for him. But because of His love for me and out of gratitude to Him I desire to relate to Him and serve Him.
“So even if I’m not good enough for people, that’s ok. I die to the expectation of meeting everyone’s approval. Love and give through me, Father. May that be my focus.”
Therefore:
Forgive
Be sensitive to giving unconditionally
Die to the expectation of being ‘good enough”
Receive my position in Christ as God’s child – cared for and protected by Him. Daily renew my mind with that reality.
The temporary loss in my marital harmony produced the environment for me to see where deeper emotional healing was needed. Subsequent growth was attained. PERSONAL EMOTIONAL GAIN CAME THROUGH TEMPORARY LOSS OF MARITAL HARMONY.
(anonymous)
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