Marital pain produced personal growth

Most of my 35-year marriage was a painful and terrifying mess. There were decades of deceit, denial, distance, and betrayal. I cried buckets of tears over many years and spent hundreds (thousands?) of nights wondering where my husband was, believing and hoping he was telling me the truth, when most indications were that he wasn’t. Although I had earned a Master’s degree in counseling several years prior to the first visible crisis, I was helpless to help myself. I knew I couldn’t make it without help. And although I had been a Christian for 30 years, had attended church, and had taught Bible studies, I hadn’t begun to understand the precious depth of the gospel and its power to change hearts.

Every relationship, including those in marriage, in families, and with friends, functions with what at least two people bring to it, for better and for worse. Although I wasn’t committing adultery, I was (and am) capable of it; it was only God’s grace that wooed me to Him rather than to a human person. I spent much time reading, reflecting, journaling, counseling, trying to understand what was happening in my marriage. I wanted to own every part I had played in making it what it was. God would show me my sin, and I would confess regularly to God and then to my husband, asking for his forgiveness, but ultimately, after 35 years of deep pain and struggle, the marriage didn’t survive.

When I first went for counseling, I was terrified. I had no idea what to expect. And I realized after a few visits that what I really wanted was for someone to change my feelings (e.g., fear, terror, deep insecurity, rejection, betrayal, anger, demands to control) and my circumstances. God began to show me that even if my feelings and circumstances were to change for the better, there was something deeply wrong inside me. I have always prayed and been concerned about my children’s hearts more than anything – and now I was needing to look deeply into my own heart. And the counselor could promise me nothing – he couldn’t do anything about my husband, he couldn’t change my feelings, and he couldn’t change me. But he did relentlessly point me to Jesus – I now know that I needed Jesus more than anything, and I am more grateful than I can communicate in words that someone was willing to risk being honest with me.

My life began to change in the smallest increments, here a little, there a little, two steps forward, one step back. I think what I can say most forcefully is that in all that has happened, it has been so clear that it has been I whom God has needed to change. Over many, many years, God has changed my feelings – and my circumstances have changed – I am now divorced, and two years ago my children’s father married someone their age who was pregnant when they married and whose other daughter he has adopted.

I’m only beginning to see that my circumstances are not the primary issue. The much greater challenge is how I am responding to them. God has used His people (my friends) to challenge my unforgiving spirit and to love me no matter what. How preciously God has been and continues to be my Husband. I’m only beginning to see that this life is not about me; it’s about God and His glory. Having my sin exposed through many years of deep struggle has never been nor is it now easy, but I’m learning that it’s a wonderfully safe and loving thing for God to do so He can show Himself strong on my behalf through Jesus’ perfect and complete provision for me. I won’t ever reach a plateau in this life where I won’t desperately need Him. I act and live far too much of the time as though I don’t need Him, but I know deeply that He is my only hope.

These are three of many Scriptures that have regularly encouraged me over many years (emphasis added):

“My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him;
For my hope and expectation are from Him.” (Psalm 62:5 Amp Bible)

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you; surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10 NASB)

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13 NASB)

Ruth Baldwin