I am the product of an unwanted pregnancy. I only recall words of criticism and correction. I could never measure up. Rejection was about the only thing I felt from Mom. She was a very insecure, nervous woman who compensated by being very controlling. She was performance oriented and relished personal praise.Consequently, we had a very poor relationship. Communication was only superficial – never any sharing of thoughts or feelings. I remember having strong feelings of dislike for her at a very early age.
The result: I had a large amount of insecurity protected by a wall of culturally accepted rebellion – nice on the outside but resisting on the inside. "I may be sitting, but on the inside I'm standing up" type of rebellion. Thankfully the Lord kept my heart tender toward Him and I never moved on to hard core rebellion. I'm thankful the Lord gave me a husband that loves me, encourages me, and corrects me when I begin to act in a controlling way which was patterned for me by mom.
I understood her behavior but it was no excuse for her attitude toward her daughter. She was very hurtful. I logically can’t see any good that has come out of that childhood with Mom. However, I choose not to let the past dictate who I am today. I choose to live free from the baggage of the past. 2 Cor. 5:17 says, "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, old things have passed away, behold all things have become new."
In Christ I am fully loved and fully accepted. What more could I ask?
God commands us to "Honor our father and mother" and He showed me I could honor her even though that deep love for mother was never there. LBR
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