Scripture memorization 3

Scripture memorization – it heals the brain. I have the privilege of working with the men at Nampa’s Lighthouse Mission, (pictured here) all who are in drug/alcohol recovery, most have served time in prison. Their initial response to memorizing Scripture is, “I can’t.” My brain has been fried with chemicals.” Part of the problem is that they resist the discipline of memorizing. But what joy on their faces as they speak out their verses, often acclaiming, “my brain is being healed through this exercise.”

An old coaching technique is administered. No memorizing this week? 10 pushups!

We continue from the last post to view benefits of memorizing Scripture. (adapted from John Piper)
Daily Triumph over Sin: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your Word... I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you” (Psalm 119:9, 11). Paul said that we must “by the Spirit... put to death the [sinful] deeds of the body” (Romans 8:13). The one piece of armor used to kill is the “sword of the Spirit,” which is the Word of God (Ephesians 6:17). As sin lures the body into sinful action, we call to mind a Christ-revealing word of Scripture and slay the temptation with the superior worth and beauty of Christ over what sin offers.

Daily Triumph over Satan: When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness he recited Scripture from memory and put Satan to flight (Matthew 4:1-11).

Comfort and Counsel for People You Love: The times when people need you to give them comfort and counsel do not always coincide with the times you have your Bible handy. Not only that, the very word of God spoken spontaneously from your heart has unusual power. Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” That is a beautiful way of saying, When the heart full of God’s love can draw on the mind full of God’s word, timely blessings flow from the mouth.

Communicating the Gospel to Unbelievers: Opportunities to share the gospel come when we do not have the Bible in hand. Actual verses of the Bible have their own penetrating power. And when they come from our heart, as well as from the Book, the witness is given that they are precious enough to learn.

Communion with God in the Enjoyment of His Person and Ways: The way we commune with (that is, fellowship with) God is by meditating on his attributes and expressing to him our thanks and admiration and love, and seeking his help in living a life that reflects the value of these attributes. Therefore, storing texts in our minds about God helps us relate to him as he really is.

All of us are emotionally crippled to some degree. We do not experience God in HIs fullness in part because of our emotional blockades. How will that change? Besides facing and Biblically processing emotional log-jams, one way is to memorize the emotional expressions of the Bible and speak them to the Lord and to each other until they become part of who we are.

For example, in Psalm 103:1, we say, “Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!” That is not a natural expression for many people. But if we memorize this and other emotional expressions from the Bible, and say them often, asking the Lord to make the emotion real in our hearts, we can actually grow into that emotion and expression. It will become part of who we are. We will be less crippled emotionally and more able to render proper praise and thanks to God.

Scripture Memory 2

This is what happens when you don't memorize Scripture. You go blind, get your front tooth knocked out and grow weird whiskers. :-) Thanks, Barry for your artistic contribution to this blog!!!

Thanks to the folk who responded to the last blog, indicating that they as a small group were considering joining Theresa and me in memorizing Scripture together. That email was very encouraging.

Theresa and I are embarking on a quest to determine if we should initiate the formation of retreats. We have our separate outreaches. We use our home considerably for ministry. We mentor. But it seems like the Lord is leading toward ministry through a retreat set-up. To discern His will, we have begun our own marital retreat. We’re beginning small and see if it builds to something more extensive.

One day a week, we meet for two hours with phones off. No interruptions. We pray, read Scripture, talk, and memorize. Sometimes she plays the piano and I the trumpet. Our two hours at home is followed by going to the church for the prayer and fasting meeting there. We’ll see if this develops into a retreat situation where other people join us, like for a weekend. A significant aspect of our thinking is the value of memorizing Scripture. We’re looking at why Scripture memorization is so essential to the Christian life.

Value of Scripture Memorization Adapted from John Piper.
Faith Builder: Memorizing Scripture strengthens my faith because faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of Christ, and that happens when I am hearing the Word in my head.

World View Shaped: Memorizing Scripture shapes the way I view the world by conforming my mind to God’s viewpoint.

Error Filter: Memorizing Scripture guards my mind by making it easier to detect error—and the world is filled with error, since the god of this world is a liar.

Understanding God: I have found that hiding God’s Word in my heart somehow allows it to grow something there and bear fruit in my understanding of the passage, and thereby in my understanding of God.

Conformity to Christ: Paul wrote that “we all... beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” If we would be changed into Christ-likeness we must steadily see him. This happens in the Word. Bible memorization has the effect of making our gaze on Jesus to be steadier and clearer.

We'll list more tommorow.

Scripture Memory

Bella Rose and Barron Olaf, our precious youngest grandchildren.

Exercise is so important, especially the older we get the more our bodies need consistent exercise to thwart dis-ease of many kinds. However one of the most helpful exercises we can perform for mind, body, emotions and spirit it memorizing Scripture. This week I’d like to challenge us to this exercise.

My wife and I are memorizing Psalm 37:3-5, 7-8 for the week. Trust, Delight, Commit, Rest. Will you join us? Here is what some important and knowledgeable people are saying.

Dr. Frank Minirth, world renown Christian psychiatrist, gives us some insight into transformation as he writes in Christian Counseling Today, "Simple behavioral Scriptural techniques are so powerful. I think they have the ability to change the brain's chemistry. What we see comes into the eyes, into the frontal lobe. It will rearrange the neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters rearrange secondary messenger systems that store memory. So who we are to some degree is controlled by what we take in. Therefore, the more Scripture we take in, especially loving it and enjoying it, really changes the very essence of who we are."

Dr. Minirth goes on to say, “So the emphasis, I hope, in the future will be to get people to memorize more Scripture so it can change them. The more Christ-like we become, the more He can remove symptoms." Symptoms like: anxiety, fear, unhealthy anger, depression, poor self esteem, etc. that are often caused by wrong mindsets. Mindsets not corresponding to the mind of Christ. The mind is the ruling member of our whole person. What we do with our minds affects the whole body.

Dallas Willard, professor of Philosophy at the University of Southern California, wrote, “Bible memorization is absolutely fundamental to spiritual formation. If I had to choose between all the disciplines of the spiritual life, I would choose Bible memorization, because it is a fundamental way of filling our minds with what it needs. This book of the law shall not depart out of your mouth. That’s where you need it! How does it get in your mouth? Memorization.”

Chuck Swindoll wrote, “I know of no other single practice in the Christian life more rewarding, practically speaking, than memorizing Scripture... No other single exercise pays greater spiritual dividends! Your prayer life will be strengthened. Your witnessing will be sharper and much more effective. Your attitudes and outlook will begin to change. Your mind will become alert and observant. Your confidence and assurance will be enhanced. Your faith will be solidified.”

More tomorrow on the value of memorizing Scripture

Leadership 2

What makes an effective Christian leader today? Is it charisma? Is it ability? Is it communication and oratory skills? God's view of an effective leader has nothing to do with these qualities. They may be a part of an effective leader.

However, the core attribute of a Christian leader is his integrity with God and his obedience to follow Him. When this happens, God manifests His power in and through that leader.

Moses was effective because he was willing to obey the commands God gave him. When Moses did this, God manifested His presence in him. The result was that people followed. They followed because they saw God working in and through the man. They saw that this man was worthy of following because God's anointing was on him.

When people see the Lord's power manifested in your life, they will have a healthy fear of the Lord. They will look at you and say, "This person has something I don't have that is worthy of more investigation." Your challenge is to seek the Lord with a whole heart, resulting in God's power being manifested in the daily activities of your life. When this happens, you can expect others to be drawn to what they see in you. The problem with many Christians today is that non-Christians see nothing different about the way they live to motivate the unsaved to desire their faith.

What makes you different from your neighbor? Is your experience with God noticeably different from that of the man next door? If you're not experiencing regular encounters with God, it's time to ask why not. We don't live day-to-day for the next spiritual experience, but we should see by-products of a life centered in God that is reflected in fruit from His presence in our lives.

I don’t recall where I gleaned this material. Credit it to Mrs. Anonymous.

Leadership

The inauguration yesterday prompts me to reflect on the word "Leadership,"which we'll do today and tomorrow. I don't recall where I heard the following paragraph. Can't give credit where it is due.


Perspective on Leadership: Leadership is not a place, it's not a position. Leadership is a relationship between those who aspire to lead and those who choose to follow. Leadership involves those who guide others through adversity, uncertainty, hardship, change, transition, recovery, new beginnings, and whatever challenges us to give our best. LaoTzu said, "A good leader is one who talks little; and when the work is done and the goal fulfilled, followers will say - "we did it ourselves." Dr. Kenneth Sylvester

My objective for this blogsite is that all who read it will be harnessed to the power of the ultimate leader, the Holy Spirit, so that no matter the circumstances, life’s painful times will be processed with Him resulting in, “the process was painful but the product, powerful. Through the Holy Spirit’s empowerment, we successfully finished the race.” "Glory be to God who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far greater than our human mind can understand..." Ephesians 3:20

Some thoughts tomorrow on leadership.

Christian Wife and Tough Love 9

Communication with a cooperative spouse
For a man who wants to cooperate with his wife when she is pointing out something significant that needs change – some thoughts.

Pray for his healing.
Cheryl's email gives her perspective in dealing with a recalcitrant husband who becomes willing to face his issues. “Pray for his healing. Until he has dealt with childhood issues he will continue to react out of those wounded places. No matter what others try to tell you, you won't be able to really get there until there is healing. I have one song and it's healing, healing, healing! “ Cheryl recommends the book, The Bruises of Satan by Carroll Thompson. It can be purchased through Carrroll Thompson Ministries, Box 763954, Dallas, Tx. 75376 I find the book to be an outstanding overview of Christian counseling.

Mediation
When a husband desires to cooperate with his wife’s challenge, a mediator may be needed. A counselor or person prepared to pray through a person’s life with them – exposing wounds in need of emotional healing. As healing takes place, personal growth happens and communication is more authentic.

Communication
John and Susan add their comments regarding communication. We try not to read or communicate through non-verbal communication…but to be honest. If one appears distant or quiet, the other asks, “Are we together?” which is a soft way of saying, “did I offend you?”
. Not to react out of defensiveness or anger when sharing a constructive criticism but rather think through what is going on, think through how to communicate the issue and pray about it and look at my own behavior first.

I share my feelings or needs but do not blame him or say “You always… “ because no one “always” does anything but breathe.
I try to acknowledge my own part in the problem. For example, I will say, “I have not always been gentle”. Susan will say, “I have not always been honest about my feelings in the past.”

Also, we have committed ourselves to the fact that "no one has to win." Sometimes I will miscommunicate and she will mishear. Then we tug and pull to figure out which one was right instead of just saying..."No one has to win. Let's start over." It saves time, energy and preserves our love.

1 John says "perfect love casts out fear." If we can help our spouses know we love them then they are less likely to fear what we say and will be more responsive to what we have to say.

Paul tells Timothy to "pay attention to your life and doctrine." Some people only pay attention to their doctrine...and have very huge gaps of no or little holiness in their lives. They are harsh, hard and strident because they are like "doctrine police" but they have little of "the grace and truth" (John 1) of Christ in their lives. A confronting wife must be aware of this unhelpful dynamic

Romans 8:29 says "We have been predestined to become conformed to the image of Christ." A question a man has to ask himself when he is being confronted by his wife: do I genuinely want to be like Christ? Then I will not resist instructions from any source. But, the male ego is strong and strange. Because of their insecurities men hate to admit they are wrong. Some men would pay a counselor $90 per hour to lie to him in his counseling office instead of telling the truth, telling God the truth and telling themselves the truth.

Men, do we want to be more and more like Christ – wise, at peace, content, fulfilled, capable husband and parent, loyal friend? Two things. No one knows us better than our wives. Invite her to encourage, coach, point out, confront, rebuke – whatever you want to call it. Then, focus on Growing in Faith.

2 Peter 1:2-9 summarizes it well: May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. 3 By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. 4 And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.
5 In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, 6 and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, 7 and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.
8 The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

Much more could be said about this topic of wives "confronting" their husbands (lovingly and gently), but hopefully this skeletal presentation of 9 posts will encourage open marital communication, preventing another divorce statistic. May these thoughts also enhance your marital intimacy.

Christian Wife and Tough Love 8

Confrontation or ???
I’ve had feedback to my original writing from some folk who didn’t like the word “confront.” I can understand that so I have used other terms in most cases, using the word “confront” minimally. However, in my time with God this morning, I was reminded that the Bible not only uses the word “confront’ but also uses words with stronger intent, like “rebuke”.

Psalm 141:5 Let the righteous strike me; It shall be a kindness. And let him rebuke me; It shall be as excellent oil; Let my head not refuse it. My Study Bible explains this verse. “The disciplining blows and rebukes of the righteous are the true ‘kindness’, the Hebrew word meaning ‘love’ or ‘acts of authentic friendship.’”

And, we see in Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. One who accepts rebuke prospers “like gold.” Proverbs 25:12: Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold Is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.

Call confrontation what you will, if it is received: Proverbs 15:5b indicates that “whoever learns from correction is wise.”

Results Of Tough Love
“The wounds of a friend are better than the kisses of an enemy.” If your husband responds to your “wounding,” he’ll be a wiser man, will love you more and experience the fruit of a changing/growing life. His model will impact those close to him. And you will have the blessing of a being a godly helper. Proverbs 24:25 states But to those who rebuke the wicked, it will go well with them and they will find delight, and a good blessing will be upon them.

If he refuses, you will appreciate the opportunity he has presented for you to have developed a more intimate relationshp with Abba Papa. You will have grown in patience, forebearance, forgiving, obedience to Scripture and tough love. Now, if the separation occurs, you can experience God as your “husband,” without guilt or shame.

Tomorrow is the last posting on this subject.

Christian Wife and Tough Love 7

In our last two posts, we’ve observed two women’s testimonies of recalcitrant husbands, of abuse and subsequent divorce. Lest you think I’m advocating divorce for relational conflicts, I’m not. It is an option but with a price.

The average economic picture of a woman who divorces is a drop of 75%. Children are torn up. There is a sense of failure. I could continue with the negative results of divorce. However, these two testimonies indicate they worked at changing themselves as they endeavored to help their husbands see their abuse. The cruelty became unbearable. After much prayer and counsel they felt God’s permission to divorce.

Os Hillman reminds us of a key point at this juncture: “A.W. Tozer tells us, 'It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.' God actually rises up storms of conflict in relationships at times in order to accomplish that deeper work in our character. We cannot love our enemies in our own strength. This is graduate-level grace. Are you willing to enter this school? Are you willing to take the test? If you pass, you can expect to be elevated to a new level in the Kingdom. For He brings us through these tests as preparation for greater use in the Kingdom. You must pass the test first. "

Consequently, back to the main theme of this study - personal growth first, then growth along with that of the husband's.

One Man’s Perspective
There is another side to the issue of “wife confronting husband.” The following comes from “Joe” in an email. “If a wife is a perfectionist then she will always be trying to improve or correct what she sees as short falls or flaws in her mate. I speak from over 46 years of experience of never being "good enough" to pass the test or reaching the lowest level of approval. So you must believe that this type of person has a possibility of becoming less rejecting and prone to condemnation of her mate. As one counselor told me ‘after counseling more than a thousand couples, your wife is the hardest woman I have ever encountered.’ In all this time I have never seen an inkling of easing up on her disapproval and condemnation of me.”

Joe has decided to stay with his wife. In his stay, he has two options. 1. Focus on the rejection – be hurt, resentful and confused; or, 2. Use the relational conflict to dig more deeply into God’s resources for successful living. That sounds like a cliché. I’ll leave it that way so as not to stray from the main topic.

Have a great weekend. More on Monday.

Christian Wife and Tough Love 6

Continuing with the question, “can a Christian wife’s tough love include divorce if he hasn’t committed adultery?” You be the counselor meeting with Trudy as she tells her story as reported in Home Life.

“He never accepts no for an answer. His pressure on a person to get what he wants knows no limits. His tactics to gain control are legion and finely polished. He forces compliance. When he must deal with defeat, his wrath is boundless, and his methods of punishment are severe. He is an abusive spouse.”

Trudy goes on for two pages describing his cruelty. Let me summarize. He wants to cause confusion in the mind of the victim – bombarding me with words, double talk, lies, promises, blame. I finally start thinking, “well, maybe I’m wrong.”
He squanders my paycheck. He badgers me until I give in. He’s a con artist. He is either the gentle nice guy or the poor mistreated guy. He plays on people sympathies. I feel so sorry for him. If that doesn’t do the job, he turns to threats.

My fear of violence is worse than the violence. Once he starts strangling me or knocking me about, there is relief. I think, “well, so this is what he’s going to do this time. It is finally happening and then it will be over. Maybe even the relief of death.” (Trudy doesn't indicate that she utilizes police protection.)

I can’t be perfect enough for him. Oh, the verbal assaults. He makes me think I’m the cause for his verbal attack. He awakens me in the middle of the night, attacking me. He sold my car. Everyone else sees him as the good guy. It must all be his wife’s fault. This ability to appear as the good guy truly isolates the victim. People at church tell me that I’m the provoker. I’m to submit no matter what.”

The article is replete with the abuse. She closes with, “I thank God that Jesus Christ, whom I serve, took me out of the bondage after almost 20 years. It’s rough out here, but nothing is as rough as what I left. There may be giants in the land, but I’m not going back to Egypt.

“I left Joe. But I don’t hate Joe. I care about this man I have described. Joe told me if I had forgiven him I would return, despite his refusal of counseling. He is forgiven. He is a victim. The best gift I ever gave Joe was to leave him, to hold him accountable for his own actions and to let him reap the consequences.
You’re the counselor. What is your response? (rburwick@mindspring.com.)

Christian Wiffe and Tough Love 5

Divorce
Is it acceptable for a Christian woman to divorce her husband if he has not been unfaithful – which is the typical reason listed in Scripture?

I’ve received as many different answers as people I’ve questioned. Some say, “No divorce whatever. Maybe separation for protection if he is beating you.” The other side of the spectrum is a “christian” counselor who said, “He is not treating you as Ephesians 5 says he should (as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her). He won’t even communicate with you. He has broken the marriage covenant. You’re free to divorce and remarry another.”

As we wrestle with this, listen to Racheal in a letter she wrote to me in response to this blog.

Ray,
Whew...what you have written stirs up a lot within me. I feel that I cycled through what you wrote many, many times in the almost 31 years I was married. I had always hoped that maybe this next counselor or friend or the elders would break through to Joe. But it didn't happen. I went through many years of soul searching, working my recovery, praying, looking to myself to see what I was contributing to the problems.

After a while I realized Joe can cause trouble all by himself no matter what the other person did or didn't do. A narcissistic personality can't really see others. What I felt after reading what you wrote was the sense that the woman really should keep trying and if she tried the right way, things would change. If things didn't change then she wasn't trying in the right way and needed to do more and be different. A woman's own guilt can be twisted and used against her for not being perfect. there is such a feeling of despair in hoping and trying all sorts of things.

I don't know if anyone but those who go through it realize the sick feeling a woman gets...it goes deep to her core. It's like blaming a woman for being raped....it isn't her fault when he baits and manipulates her. she is trying for reconciliation and relationship and he is concerned only about power. Nothing she does or others will do will change a man addicted to control and power.

I'm glad that God didn't say I couldn't divorce because it was a protection for me. There is no legal separation in Idaho and if I had gone that route living in separate households, I would have been responsible for Joe's debts and other things. I read an article that helped me see what I needed to do and it was on how God allows divorce (based on scripture) for protecting a woman from a very destructive marriage. the more evil the destruction is, the more subtle it is.

Maybe you don't want to address that aspect of a woman being rescued from bondage and maybe I am reading too much of my story in what you are writing. I do believe God rescued me and that he is my wonderful husband. It is late and I don't know if I am making sense. Blessings, my friend,
Racheal

I know Racheal and I’m proud of the way she has worked through great pain, but as she writes, it is apparent that the healing process isn’t finished. I’m confident that as this writing has surfaced pain in her former relationship and subsequent divorce, she will also go on to finish resolution.

How will we know when she has finished the forgiving and healing process? When her mindset is “Thanks, Joe. You put me through hell and I’m not grateful for that. The gratitude is for the results of your behavior. It has driven me deeply into God. I’m a much stronger woman. I am ministering to others of like situation. And much more that substantiates Romans 8:28 “All things work together for good to those who love God and are fitting into His plans. Thanks Joe.”

More tomorrow!

Christian Wife and Tough love - 4

Barron Olaf Burwick, 2 mos. He thinks this topic is very serious business.

A Christian wife is doing all she needs to be doing for her own personal growth. She sees “the log in her own eye” and is intentionally and aggressively seeking God’s empowerment to grow. She has come along beside her husband and addressed his destructive attitudes and behavior – to no avail.

So what does a woman do with the problem of resistance if her husband is recalcitrant?
Though Matthew 18:15-17 is not referring to marital coflict resolution, the principle can apply. If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector ……

You need the support. He needs the tough love. Bring in a person or two who would emphasize to him the destructiveness of his attitude or behavior. If he still won’t respond and is a member of a church, an authority in the church should be engaged in the conflict resolution.

Last Resort
If the husband’s attitude or behavior is so destructive that it is causing significant pain to himself or to others, love may need to be toughened even more. If as a wife you’re letting God work in your life making necessary changes for growth then separation is an option. Separation in the home is better for the children. Sleep in separate beds. Cook separately. The only conversation is that needed to run the household.

The next step with an uncooperative husband is complete separation. I’m not speaking of divorce. Just the threat of being separated from his family is hopefully sufficient shock to wake him up. In the case of physical abuse, immediate separation is advisable. Separation! Of course, this has many ramifications, not the least being financial.

Before you separate, consider Becky Zerbe’s advise as seen in the January/February edition of Today’s Christian Woman magazine. The article is entitled “The Day I Left My Marriage.” Becky’s mother gave her this direction. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle, top to bottom. On the left side, list all the grievances you have toward your husband, from nit picky to gross abuse. When you’ve exhausted that effort, write your reactions to each item on the right hand side of the page.

Then, her mother took scissors and cut the two lists, throwing away the left hand side, challenging Becky to take the list and spend the rest of the day reflecting on the reactions to the items on the left side. “Pray about them,” she said. “If you still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you.”

Tomorrow: results of tough love

The Christian Wife and Tough Love - 3

Bella Rose Burwick- Whose shoes?

We’re examining the role of the Christian wife in encouraging her husband to face destructive attitudes or behaviors. Recall with me the challenge all of us face is to be engaged in personal growth.

Os Hillman adds his perspective to this relational dimension. What is the purpose God desires to accomplish with the estranged relationship you may have with someone? Has He brought this affront to find out what is in your heart today? Will you seek revenge and solve the problem yourself? Or will you find the grace to allow God to carry out vengeance in His time if it is needed? When I learned this lesson to stay vertical with God and avoid the trap of fixing things in my own energies, it was a day of freedom. No longer was it my problem. We must examine our own heart in these matters. But if we are clean, then this affront is for character building. It is the only way God builds the deepest level of character in His saints.

A.W. Tozer tells us, "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply." God actually rises up storms of conflict in relationships at times in order to accomplish that deeper work in our character. We cannot love our enemies in our own strength. This is graduate-level grace.

Thus, constructive criticism to husband follows a personal growth pursuit by the wife. As she is facing those issues within herself and seeing growth then she can consider some suggestions for helping her husband face up to necessary growth.

SPECIFIC SUGGESTIONS IN ADDRESSING HUSBAND'S DESTRUCTIVE ISSUES:
1. Don’t address issues in public, in front of the children or during a conflictual situation.
2. Discuss the problem after a situation or have a signal or non-verbal signal during the conflict to make him aware of a problem. John and Susan share their strategy:
We heard a woman in a restaurant scolding and berating her husband because he did not tell the waiter not to bring croutons and “look at all the food you are wasting by not eating those croutons.’ So, when one or the other of us is getting bossy we just say, “Darling, I do not need croutons” which is a nice way of saying, “You are getting pushy.”
When we were in a very stress situation one or the other of us would be in pain and would hurl at the other. Instead of taking it personally we would say, “Darling, I am not the enemy” which was a soft and gentle way of saying, “You just hurt me.”

3. Once or twice is enough to mention the issue. Don’t nag.
4. Be succinct and direct; i.e. “I believe your behavior is setting a tone of negativity for the family when you….
5, Confront humbly and gently, not condescendingly or with an angry spirit. .Further suggestions from John and Susan: Colossians 3 says we are to season our speech with grace...and consider how to give answer to everyone who asks us about our faith. I think we can extrapolate a principle from that verse. It is my responsibility as a communicator to consider how the one to whom I am going to make a suggestion for change/point out their error/make a constructive criticism/etc. to consider who that person is, how they like to be approached, etc. This forces me to consider them as more important than myself (Phil 10 and to consider if I genuinely love them. If I do then I will speak in an acceptable manner.
This also forces each of us to consider our own feelings, history, etc. For example, my mother "knicked" at my father frequently. It seemed disrespectful and unloving. I knew I did not want to be treated that way. Add to that my competitive spirit. I do not like to lose. That is my weakness and immaturity. So, I have asked Susan to try not to "back me into a corner" when she corrects me but to do it gently and logically. This helps me hear her and not react to her.
On the other hand, Susan does not like confrontation so I need to make sure I am speaking gently, respectfully and rationally when I point things out. When I do it this way then it does not become a confrontation.
Susan has a huge strength because she often does not confront or challenge but asks me questions. For example, she will say, "does your attitude reflect Christ at this moment." She gets out of the way and makes me deal with Him. Her point is not to win but to help me grow.

6. Be prepared to handle deflections when he displaces on you. For example if he says, “Well what about you? You do…… Your response can be, “If you see that is an issue that needs attention, I want to hear it after we finish this discussion.” Or, “If that is an issue, which concern do you want to discuss first, yours or mine? We’ll tackle both of them.” Proverbs says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
John and Susan have the “no yeah butts” rule. “You did not take out the garbage!!!!!!” “Yeah, but you did not wash the floor last week.” We try to deal with issues as they are raised. (That’s productive when both parties are on the same page.)

7. If he says something like “you’re harrassing me” or if he storms out, let him go. Evaluate your attitude. Did you come across in any way less than a gentle confrontation? If so, repent – to God first and to him when reconnection takes place. If your attitude was right, pray for him and let him go. If he doesn’t reconnect in a reasonable time, (preferably by sundown), a gentle yet firm approach would be appropriate, like: “Are you content with our current relationship? Do you consider our conversation as finished? I don’t.” If he is uncooperative, it might be time to suggest a needed mediation.

How does verse six of our Matthew seven challenge fit in this relational scheme? “Don’t cast your pearls before the swine.” When would you not confront him – not cast your pearls? When he has demonstrated the refusal to hear correction, he is acting like a swine. It’s time to bring in “reinforcements.”
Besides defining swine as a hog or related animal, the American Heritage Dictionary defines swine as, “contemptable, vicious or greedy person.” Obviously such a person is not one who illicits confrontation. So wives, forget the strategy of pointing out his speck. No “pearls” for him.

What does a woman do with the problem of resistance if her husband is recalcitrant? We'll address that in tomorrow's post.

The Christian Wife and Tough Love

I’ve requested feedback from some friends who I respect and trust to advise me in the study of what seems to be a significant need in the church today - for women to know how to come along beside their husbands and productively discuss with them attitudes or behavior that is destructive to themselves and others. These friends have received the complete article and are making wonderful suggestions that I’m now incorporating. As I unfold this material to you, please give me constructive criticism, sent to rburwick@mindspring.com.

After yesterday’s introduction, may I emphasize a couple things. 1. A wife is not responsible to change her husband. 2. He may or may not respond to his wife even if she does everything “right” in relating to him. 3. As has been said by many, “God is not interested in your happiness, but in your holiness.” I would paraphrase that with, “God is excited about you. Loves you. Wants the best for you. And sometimes ‘best’ comes in the form of marital discord for the purpose of building personal strength and character. Growth begins in the person before it progresses to relationship.

A Pattern To Follow

Where does a woman start in this arena of helping her mate face himself? Matthew 7:1-6 gives us a pattern for which to follow. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. 2 For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged] 3 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. 6 “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.

Verses one and two challenges us not to judge others. In this case, judge means “a condemning, vigorous scrutiny of trivial matters.” A godly wife is to definitely avoid this activity. A question she can ask herself is, “Am I unhappy with my husband because I’m not happy with myself?”

But one woman asks, “what about the correction my husband needs?” Verses 3-5 addresses the question. First, face and work on the log in your own eye before you deal with the speck in you husband’s eye. Notice the comparison here. If the husband is sensing that you are taking seriously the change you need to make in your own attitudes and behavior, he may be more receptive to hearing from you about change he needs to make.

So wives, measure the size of your “log” by the standard of 1 Peter 3:1-6 as seen in the Amplified Bible. “In like mannner, ou married women, be submissive to your own husbands – subordinate yourselves as being seocndary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them. So that even if they do not obey the Word of God, they may be won over not by discussion but by the godly lives of their wives. When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverance for your husband. That is, you are to feel for him all that reverence includes – to respect, defer to, revere him; revere means to honor, esteem (appreciate and prize) and in the human sense adore him and adore means to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love and enjoy your husband.”

How is that for an impossible role? Does this passage begin to reveal any log in your own eye before you confront what is needed in your husband’s? Do you suppose God constructs these “impossibilities” to show us of our deep need for Him – to be dependent on Him to do through us what we find impossible to do ourselves?

Again, we’re looking at the challenge of personal growth before we critique our spouse. More in the next post.

The Christian Wife and Tough Love

Been in San Antonio for Christmas. Returned home to a dead computer, so the posting has had a vacation.

Would you consider helping me with a real concern I have. Christian marriages are floundering and ending in divorce at about the same pace as those who are not walking with God. There are many reasons for this but one issue that doesn't seem to get much "airtime" pertains to the role of the wife in tough love, learning to confront a husband who has a destructive attitude or behavior.

Please consider taking the time to read the next few posts as I address this issue and critique the content, sending it to rburwick@mindspring.com.

Thanks

Tough Love and the Christian Wife
How does a Christian woman relate to a husband who is in some obvious error, or sin, or personality quirk that is destructive to himself and to others? Books have been written on how to manipulate your husband through sexual favors. Other books and sermons emphasize “wives submit” to your husbands, and that is Biblical truth - in part. However the first role given to a wife, found in Genesis 2:18 was, Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” A “helper, completer.”

Obviously that role has many facets. We’re examining here the task of living with an imperfect husband. Every husband is imperfect, however there are times when his unfaced / unattended behavior becomes destructive to the family. How does a Christian wife best relate to him for his benefit first of all and then for the benefit of others, especially his family.

Men are often insensitive to how they treat their wives, sometimes “walking all over them” without realizing it. A wife who doesn’t confront this issue will be trod upon the rest of her life.
I’ve lived long enough to see the destructiveness or at best, the shallowness of man’s wisdom. Thus, these thoughts are based on Joshua 1:8 – “meditate on the Word. Do what it says. Results are prosperity and success.

So how does the Bible approach the challenge of living with a husband whose attitude or behavior is destructive? It neccesitates that he see his need. Some pertinent Scriptural advice for assisting him if he is blind to his need:

Proverbs 9:8-9 … But correct the wise, and they will love you. Instruct the wise, and they will be even wiser. Teach the righteous, and they will learn even more. Proverbs 28:23 He who rebukes a man shall afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue. Proverbs 29:1 Whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.

Other passages addressing the issue of facing oneself: Galatians 6:1-2; Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. Luke 17:3 So watch yourselves! “If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive.

A question to men: Are we missing out on a lot of successful living because we don’t encourage our wives to confront us – to give us constructive criticism?
A question to the wives: Do you nag? Or, the opposite, do you ignore, not wanting to confront because of fear of his rejection or of his anger?

More tomorrow on a wife's strategy.