We’re examining the role of the Christian wife in encouraging her husband to face destructive attitudes or behaviors. Recall with me the challenge all of us face is to be engaged in personal growth.
Os Hillman adds his perspective to this relational dimension. What is the purpose God desires to accomplish with the estranged relationship you may have with someone? Has He brought this affront to find out what is in your heart today? Will you seek revenge and solve the problem yourself? Or will you find the grace to allow God to carry out vengeance in His time if it is needed? When I learned this lesson to stay vertical with God and avoid the trap of fixing things in my own energies, it was a day of freedom. No longer was it my problem. We must examine our own heart in these matters. But if we are clean, then this affront is for character building. It is the only way God builds the deepest level of character in His saints.
A.W. Tozer tells us, "It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply." God actually rises up storms of conflict in relationships at times in order to accomplish that deeper work in our character. We cannot love our enemies in our own strength. This is graduate-level grace.
Thus, constructive criticism to husband follows a personal growth pursuit by the wife. As she is facing those issues within herself and seeing growth then she can consider some suggestions for helping her husband face up to necessary growth.
SPECIFIC SUGGESTIONS IN ADDRESSING HUSBAND'S DESTRUCTIVE ISSUES:
1. Don’t address issues in public, in front of the children or during a conflictual situation.
2. Discuss the problem after a situation or have a signal or non-verbal signal during the conflict to make him aware of a problem. John and Susan share their strategy:
We heard a woman in a restaurant scolding and berating her husband because he did not tell the waiter not to bring croutons and “look at all the food you are wasting by not eating those croutons.’ So, when one or the other of us is getting bossy we just say, “Darling, I do not need croutons” which is a nice way of saying, “You are getting pushy.”
When we were in a very stress situation one or the other of us would be in pain and would hurl at the other. Instead of taking it personally we would say, “Darling, I am not the enemy” which was a soft and gentle way of saying, “You just hurt me.”
1. Don’t address issues in public, in front of the children or during a conflictual situation.
2. Discuss the problem after a situation or have a signal or non-verbal signal during the conflict to make him aware of a problem. John and Susan share their strategy:
We heard a woman in a restaurant scolding and berating her husband because he did not tell the waiter not to bring croutons and “look at all the food you are wasting by not eating those croutons.’ So, when one or the other of us is getting bossy we just say, “Darling, I do not need croutons” which is a nice way of saying, “You are getting pushy.”
When we were in a very stress situation one or the other of us would be in pain and would hurl at the other. Instead of taking it personally we would say, “Darling, I am not the enemy” which was a soft and gentle way of saying, “You just hurt me.”
4. Be succinct and direct; i.e. “I believe your behavior is setting a tone of negativity for the family when you….
5, Confront humbly and gently, not condescendingly or with an angry spirit. .Further suggestions from John and Susan: Colossians 3 says we are to season our speech with grace...and consider how to give answer to everyone who asks us about our faith. I think we can extrapolate a principle from that verse. It is my responsibility as a communicator to consider how the one to whom I am going to make a suggestion for change/point out their error/make a constructive criticism/etc. to consider who that person is, how they like to be approached, etc. This forces me to consider them as more important than myself (Phil 10 and to consider if I genuinely love them. If I do then I will speak in an acceptable manner.
This also forces each of us to consider our own feelings, history, etc. For example, my mother "knicked" at my father frequently. It seemed disrespectful and unloving. I knew I did not want to be treated that way. Add to that my competitive spirit. I do not like to lose. That is my weakness and immaturity. So, I have asked Susan to try not to "back me into a corner" when she corrects me but to do it gently and logically. This helps me hear her and not react to her.
On the other hand, Susan does not like confrontation so I need to make sure I am speaking gently, respectfully and rationally when I point things out. When I do it this way then it does not become a confrontation.
Susan has a huge strength because she often does not confront or challenge but asks me questions. For example, she will say, "does your attitude reflect Christ at this moment." She gets out of the way and makes me deal with Him. Her point is not to win but to help me grow.
6. Be prepared to handle deflections when he displaces on you. For example if he says, “Well what about you? You do…… Your response can be, “If you see that is an issue that needs attention, I want to hear it after we finish this discussion.” Or, “If that is an issue, which concern do you want to discuss first, yours or mine? We’ll tackle both of them.” Proverbs says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
John and Susan have the “no yeah butts” rule. “You did not take out the garbage!!!!!!” “Yeah, but you did not wash the floor last week.” We try to deal with issues as they are raised. (That’s productive when both parties are on the same page.)
7. If he says something like “you’re harrassing me” or if he storms out, let him go. Evaluate your attitude. Did you come across in any way less than a gentle confrontation? If so, repent – to God first and to him when reconnection takes place. If your attitude was right, pray for him and let him go. If he doesn’t reconnect in a reasonable time, (preferably by sundown), a gentle yet firm approach would be appropriate, like: “Are you content with our current relationship? Do you consider our conversation as finished? I don’t.” If he is uncooperative, it might be time to suggest a needed mediation.
How does verse six of our Matthew seven challenge fit in this relational scheme? “Don’t cast your pearls before the swine.” When would you not confront him – not cast your pearls? When he has demonstrated the refusal to hear correction, he is acting like a swine. It’s time to bring in “reinforcements.”
Besides defining swine as a hog or related animal, the American Heritage Dictionary defines swine as, “contemptable, vicious or greedy person.” Obviously such a person is not one who illicits confrontation. So wives, forget the strategy of pointing out his speck. No “pearls” for him.
What does a woman do with the problem of resistance if her husband is recalcitrant? We'll address that in tomorrow's post.
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