Out of Suicidal Depression

Get up. Smoke a joint. Put on a suit and go to my six figure computer sales job. Success comes quickly and promotion to sales manager ensues. At night I find people who do what I do to relax – drink, smoke and take recreational drugs. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Flip side of the story: multiple suicide attempts of medication overdose and hitting or steering my car in front of uncoming semi-trucks – three different times!
Trips to the state mental hospital. Severe depression, self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Used drugs. Pushed drugs. Stopped by a cop when I had a kilo of marijuana in the trunk. Three divorces. And finally, so depressed that I holed up in a small apartment for a year without a bath, shave or haircut.. Still sound like a fun life?

Let me tell you my story. I was raised in a home with an older brother, Ron, who did everything perfectly, especially sports and academics. He won a scholarship to an Ivy League school and is presently a medical doctor. Everyone had expectations of me to be like my brother. “If you would run just a bit faster, you would be like Joe. A little more discipline and your grades would be like Ron’s.”
After high school I left home to enter the state university, made a job out of studying and got a near perfect gpa. I fell in heat and lived with the girl. I had relational comfort with her and success in school. I was headed up.
In my senior year she dumped me for another guy. That began the downward slide. “I wasn’t quite good enough all my childhood and now I wasn’t good enough for Susie.” Drugs and alcohol entered the scene.
The computer industry beckoned. I became very successful quickly. Fell in heat with another woman. Married. Two children were born, which was amazing because she didn’t like sex and it was an infrequent experience. She couldn’t handle my drug and alcohol use so divorced me.
My second wife Gail came into my life via a relationship seminar. I fell in heat again after having been divorced for only a short period of time. I took over the responsibility of her 14-year-old one child. Her other child was financially dependent on me. Our marriage lasted 7 years and ended when I had a nervous breakdown and slipped into my first deep depression. I received my divorce papers in the State Mental Institution in Texas. She took everything I had financially.
Heat enter the scene for the fourth time and my third marriage to Niki lasted two years. I ended up with a nervous breakdown and more mental institutions. She took me for everything she could get. In neither divorce was I able to defend myself because of the depression.
During this time, I put on a mask, a façade to keep people from knowing the real me. In fact, I hid the real me from myself. I believed in God in a general way but had no personal relationship – felt I didn’t need one. I understood God was loving but couldn’t believe God could love me. So I made no attempt to get close to God. In fact, my god was myself. I was completely selfish and self-centered. Everything was about me. How did I appear to others? How did I measure up? Always about the outside, never about what was on the inside. I was boastful and would lie about everything. I was a person who couldn’t be trusted.
Somehow I was drawn to Prestonwood Baptist Church in Plano Texas. I loved music so was awestruck by the 450 voice choir. I joined the group and enjoyed the experience immensely. During this time the Lord drew me to Himself and I began my walk of faith. My spirit was made new, but all the scars and wounds of long years of abuse and self abuse were not faced and I found myself so paralyzed by depression that I holed up in my apartment for a year.
Then an angel visited me. My sister, Carolyn, who lives in Idaho, called me in Texas and said if I could get out of my apartment, get on a plane and fly to Boise, she would take care of me.
For the first time in a year, I shaved, showered and walked five blocks to a barber. The next morning I was on the plane to Boise.
Since, there has been and continues to be nothing short of a miraculous transformation. Broken family relationships are being mended. I have a church family. I’m heavily involved in church, sing in the choir, attend Celebrate Recovery and a men’s Bible study / prayer group. I’m involved in volunteer work in the church and for the Salvation Army. My walk with God has become a partnership. I’m being disclosing and authentic to as many people as possible because I know I am only as sick as my secrets.
I’m ministering to other men who need to experience the healing I’m receiving. God is turning my loss into gain. David Wilson