Divorce: God as Husband

By looking at Carol sitting in her spacious office with children’s toys and apparatus spread throughout, you wouldn’t think she had a care in the world. This very successful children’s pastor, shepherds about 150 tots, birth through kindergarten and has taken numerous teens under her wings.

She relates her story: born fourth of four girls into a very loving, nurturing family that encouraged development of personal skills. Leadership roles abounded in girl scouts (20 years worth), church, class president of each of her high school years, band and on to a full ride scholarship at Pasadena College.

She met Jerry when both were freshmen. Married in their junior year.
“We had three boys and a girl. I taught school and Jerry became a workaholic, bent on becoming a millionaire. He evolved into a driven, domineering man who as time went on became very critical and controlling of me. I began to lose my identity. In a sense, Jerry assumed a god-role in my life. I became subservient and accepted that our problems were my fault.

“A mid-life crisis hit Jerry at the age of 50. I was no longer exciting enough for him and I didn’t make him happy any more. Another woman became his trophy. And though he has a five-generation pastoral heritage and had four wonderful and talented children, he chose to end our 28 years of marriage. I didn’t see it coming. I knew we had our challenges, but like the frog in a kettle of water, I didn’t recognize the heat being turned up. He wouldn’t get counseling. He just wanted out.

“I was devastated. Our children were traumatized – each acting out in unique and destructive ways that caused all of us more pain. I felt to blame!
“My church surrounded me and comforted me. Patti was an extremely wise counselor that walked with me through the scores of days of weeping. She helped me see I had reversed Jerry / God position. In trying to please Jerry, I had lost my identity. I had lost all that God wanted me to become. I let him rob me of me and of my position as God’s child. I was at the lowest point of my life.

“Though God used many people to walk through the trauma with me, a new and unique pattern developed. I would often cry out to God about my anger, my confusion, my loneliness, my children’s trauma. An intimacy with Him grew. He became my Husband, my Father. In Isaiah 54:5 God says, ‘He will be a husband to the abandoned wife.’ That is what He became. There was a defining moment when I felt God pick me up from my lowest point and tell me He’d be my partner. ‘You and me, Carol.’

The gain through the loss?
1. I’m not thankful for the divorce but I am thankful for how God has used it in my life. I’m a new creature. He has blessed me richly with His intimacy. He blesses through me to others. Praise the Lord.
2. I can be a model of God’s grace to my children and to those in my ministry.
3. Through the intense grief of two years duration, God began to consume me. He empowered me as I’ve never known before.
4. I’m a wiser pastor. I can talk with young parents who are having a rough time and challenge them to deepen intimacy with God first and then work on their marital kinks. I can tell them the significance of working for a strong marriage for the children’s sake.
5. I’m learning that forgiveness for the divorce is completed but it is an on going journey of listening and obedience with God calling the shots. Healing has taken place; however, there are the ongoing challenges of living in the same town with Jerry and his wife. It keeps me close to God and dependent on Him as I pray for God’s blessing on them.
“God, I’m not thankful for the evil of divorce, but I am grateful for how you have caused all this to work for my good and your glory.”
Carol G