Stuttering, Mad at God – part 3

My stuttering exploded at a crisis point last month. My journal reads, “God, I’m stuttering as much if not worse than when I was a kid. What is happening? In 1964 it seemed as though You promised healing for the causes of stuttering and there has been a progressing fluency for which I am so grateful, until recently. Look at it now, a mess. I’m so ticked at you. I know you’re all loving and in control and can use it for good but damn it, this doesn’t feel right, like you’re going back on your word. Help!” (Folks, that is called confession.)

The crisis came when I was giving a devotional to the NNU basketball team. It took me about 25 minutes to say 5 minutes worth of content. It was real embarrassing, frustrating and discouraging. “I don’t want to stutter. What is it God? What’s wrong? What’s the purpose? I can’t (won’t) accept it. I’d rather sulk and pout, anger skewed. I’m sure that will do a lot of good! Help, Abba PaPa.” I spent the following day in a fleshly, ugly self pity, combined with anger and irritability. (More confession!)

Two days later as I was reading my journal, the anger written toward God seemed so disrespectful. I wrote, “I’m sorry. I love you God and appreciate all you’ve done for me in all facets of life. But, not being able to communicate without embarrassment is tough. I don’t want to be angry with you. Help me feel it deeply and let it go, giving up the right to fluent speech with adequate vocabulary recall. Speak through me as you choose. You’re certainly capable of telling me if I’m contributing to the heightened stuttering and provide the prescription for healing.”

Reading Philip Yancy’s book on Prayer, reminded me that Abraham bargained with God, Moses argued with Him, Job was angry with Him, Jacob wrestled with Him and even Jesus begged of the Father. So it seemed acceptable for me to be angrily questioning my Abba PaPa. However, my attitude didn’t feel comfortable. My objective is to love God, praise God, express gratitude to God, to be content. I wasn’t doing a good job of that. “Forgive me and work deeply,” I prayed. “Root out anything that is not of you. Build in me ever deepening trust, joy, and contentment.”

A few days later I sensed a greater closeness to God after that episode of verbalizing anger to Him. I think the greater intimacy evolved because I have a foundational belief that God loves me, works all to my good, the good of others and His glory. So in articulating the anger, (confession) I’ve let down a wall that would have blocked our fellowship, just like in a human relationship. If I’m angry at my wife Theresa, and not talking it through, the sweet flow of fellowship is dammed. Vitality of relationship is blocked or at best marred. A sweet flow of fellowship with God returned, post confession. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us…”

A web search on stuttering and Parkinson’s Disease indicates a possible connection. So I experimented with my PD medication, cutting back. Results: more PD symptoms and the same stuttering pattern. Dead end.
We’ll look at how I’m handling the stuttering on this blog site tomorrow in our last of a four-part series.