Identity - Reframing Your Life 3

Still lots of snow in Nampa.

Yesterday we looked at road blocks to reframing our life. As these road blocks are burst, reframing can begin. Reframing your life is a different way of looking at your past, a unique way of dealing with the present and a healthy way of facing the challenges of the future. In a sense, reframing rewires your brain.

Reframing is not positive thinking. It’s about the heart, not just the head. It isn’t ignoring hurts and pains or negating the past. It is not forgetting self and definitely not being a victim.

When you reframe your life, you live with a new level of discernment because you are always looking below the surface for more information before you make assumptions about people and situations. You reach out to those who have hurt you because you have been able to review the times you have hurt others and you are aware of your ability to inflict pain. You live authentically within that truth about yourself. You acknowledge reality rather than deny it.

More tomorrow

Identity - Reframing Your Life 2

My little barnwood village is becoming snowed in. Seven inches of snow in Nampa yesterday.

Continuing our study of "reframing" our life. Roadblocks standing in the way of reframing are:
1. Ignorance – not seeing what needs change. Not able to see what needs reframing. It's called "Denial."
Remedy: pray Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me O God...."

2. Comfortably “diseased” – sometimes living in dysfunction is more comfortble than working through all the challenges for needed growth
Remedy: face the regrets of no growth / change


3. Unwillingness to change/grow – laziness, passive aggressiveness, rebellion
Remedy: To help determine if this is an issue for you, Arterburn suggests asking these self-evaluation questions:
a, How frequently do I admit I was wrong?
b. How frequently do I ask for forgivenesss?
c. How frequently do I ask people for their opinion?
d. Do I ever admit I have been approaching some problems or even my whole life in unhealthy ways?
e. Am I willing to admit I might need some help to move beyond the way my life is currently going?
f. Have I ever said, “You knew I was this way when your married me”?
g. Do people tell me, or do I feel I have a strong need to always be right?
h. Do I stop listening to people who try to get me to see things in a different way?
i. Am I a “it’s my way or the highway” kind of person?
These qustions help evaluate willingness to see things from another’s perspective.

4. Arrogant entitlement
To help evaluate this dynamic, consider these items:
“I deserve this.”
“I have some very special needs.”
“I am in a crisis, and at least I could have this one thing.”
“It realy isn’t betrayal because I really do still love him and he won’t ever
know.”
“It reallys isn’t that bad because I know I won’t go all the way.”
“He really let me down, wasn’t there for me, so he created this.”
“I know I won’t give in to temptation, so I can just flirt with this a little bit.”
“Anyone in my situation would do the exact same thing.”
“She felt entitled to her affair, so I am entitled to make her pay for it the rest of her life.”
“I am not fully responsible because I am an addict.”
Remedy: see the destructiveness of pride and humble yourself before the Lord
See the destructiveness of a self-centered life and repent in word and action.

5. Justifiable resentment
Remedy: work through the forgiving process


6. Disconnected Isolation
Remedy: Life is easier when isolated – but lonlier and emptier.



Road blocks that avert the healthy reframing process must be blasted open. More tomorrow!

Identity - Reframing Your life

My Dad loved little kids. He is playing with Angel kids now.

If “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose”, then a challenge we face is to look at what we’ve exposed the last few weeks – the emotional cholesterol - the wounds of life, and not only see forgiving and healing take place but examine how it could be “for our good.” Some call it reframing your life experience. Much of this material is taken from the book Reframing Your Life by Stephen Arterburn

Reframing is more than just seeing the upside of some very dark experiences in life. It is looking at the events of your life from a broader perspective than just the event. It is looking deeper into all the facts surrounding the past rather than personalizing the wound and falling victim to it.


Reframing is the process of gaining new information and insight into traumatic events, both past and present, and resolving any possbile guilt, fear and anger. Reframing motivates you to refocus, move on, and live with new purpose and meaning. A question to ask ourselves is:
Who framed you? Who influenced your life in a positive framing fashion? What was the result?


It might be appropriate to send that person a thank you note.

Then there is negative framing. Someone who has taken pieces of reality and combined them with some half-truths and fabrications and framed you in a way that is not exactly accurate. Feeling guilt for things that weren‘t your fault. Being defined by your weaknesses. Playing the role of victim and blaming someone . You’re not responsibile for the abuse, but you are responsible for how you respond to it. Second question:
Who framed you negatively? What was the result – the frame that was constructed?



Without going into specifics, my framing came out, "I'm a blemished product. Not quite good enough. I must prove to myself and to the world that I am good enough." And a life long pattern emerged of performance for approval - to the deteriment of building relationships.



More tomorrow on "reframing."

The Process of Forgiving Oneself

My wife Theresa with daughter Kristin

One last thought regarding forgiveness. While teaching on forgiving others at the Nampa Lighthouse Mission, I was hit with many of the men saying, "The person I have the hardest time forgiving is myseslf." Many of them have hurt their families with their drugs and prison time. So I did some quick studying. Here are the results compiled in hand out form.

The Process of Forgiving Oneself

1. Repent
A. To God
By word (prayer) Psalm 51:1-3, 7,10,12

By action (turn a 180 degree)
Join with a prayer partner – James 5:16

B. To the other person
Ask forgiveness
Make amends, restitution

2. Accept God’s forgiveness
Isaiah 1:16-20 ­­­­­­­­

Matthew 26:28
1 John 1:9

Psalm 103:12
Romans 8:1

3. Forgive others.
“I can’t forgive myself” is sometimes displaced resentment. Another person has not been forgiven so that unforgiving spirit is redirected back on yourself. If I’m not forgiving another, I may not sense God’s forgiveness of my sin. Guilt!

4. Look in the mirror daily
God forgave Moses for murder, David for adultry and murder, Abraham for lying about his wife placing her in jeopardy, and Paul for murdering Christians – not only forgave them but used them greatly in His kingdom work. If God forgives (according to #2 above), who are you not to forgive yourself. By not forgiving self you’re placing yourself above God. Talk that way to ourself in the mirror each day until resolved.

5. Realize the potential gain for the person(s) you have wronged.
2Corinthians 12:9-10 tells us that our weakness can be made strong through God’s empowerment. This is no excuse for the wrong committed (that has caused weakness in the offended person(s), but that they have a choice to exchange their weakness for God’s strength – to be blessed and to be a blessing.

Proud Papa's Weekend

Granddaughter Gabriella Scoleri on the left.
Grandchildren are a jewel in one's crown. Yesterday I revealed one jewel - Dominick. Today it is his sister who, like her mother, enjoys drama and singing. She and her best friends team up in a group called Virture who has sung in different venues including their church of 10,000 members.

She bemoaned the wearing apparell, "we had to wear these really out of style robes with dangling stoles. But it was fun, also the same friends and I participated in the middle school talent show singing for the whole middle school and some parents. It was really enjoyable. (Plus I got to end our song in a split!) " She has also just been selected to participate in the school drama.

I'm proud of the Scoleri kids performance, but even more pleased with their spiritual journey, really beginning to connect with the God of their faith.

Like Mother, Like son

Dominick and proud papa

I don't usually write on Saturdays but a phone call with my daughter Gretchen yesterday prompts me to share an exciting story.

When Gretchen was in elementary school, she earned money by cleaning up the dog pen. We called it scooping poop. We had talked of tithes and offerings - 10% for tithe and some more for offering. She said, "Dad, I want to give 50 %." To which this "fear of poverty dad" said, "Gretchen, you don't have to give that much." Her reply affirmed her 50% decision.

Gretchen's son, Dominick, is now scooping poop of three bassets in their back yard. As of this week he had earned $4. His teacher, who he dearly loves, is going on her first missions trip to Thailand (raising her own support.) Dominick told his mother that he wanted to give the $4 to his teacher for her missions trip. To which, Gretchen replied, "DOminick, you don't have to give that much. Keep some for your own spending." His reply affirmed his decision.

Result? One teacher and one mother crying together out of joy and gratitude for a young man learning the art of giving. And one proud papa who now much go shopping for a new shirt that has no buttons! I just lost all the buttons off my current shirt with a swollen chest.

Yea, Dominick.

Transformed Thinking

My daughter Gretchen and hubby Kevin

Circumstances can be debilitating. However, where is your focus?

I’m relearning a lesson I thought I had finished learning many times before. Allow me to let you peak into my “kitchen window” of last week. I share this story not for your pity nor for your thinking highly of me – just want to share a victory that could be helpful to you in your circumstances.

Parkinson’s disease was really kicking up a few weeks ago – more stumbling, losing my balance, tightening throat and vocal cords, slower movements, memory loss, etc. I increased the medication and two weeks later, no results.


I was bemoaning my plight to the Lord in my quiet time Monday, when it seemed that He said to me, “Psalm 34, Ray.” That was one of the passages I have memorized so brought it back to recall.
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.


It seemed as if God was saying to me, “Ray, my son, you have a decision to make, either focus on your circumstances and be discouraged or think about all the blessings I have given you, rejoice in my love for you, trust and seek me and you will lack no good thing.”

Romans 12:2 reminds us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. I was immediately transformed from a position of discouragement to one of peace and contentment because of the changed mindset.

Romans 15:13 tells us, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

My hope is not the change of my circumstances but the hope focus is on God who wants to work in everything for my good, His glory and for the good of others. (Romans 8:28-29) PRAISE THE LORD

Identity - Forgiveness Summarized

Sunset in Puerto Vallarta

Encapsulating the last 12 posts, Forgiving
1. is one of the most difficult challenges we'll pursue, requiring an aggressive, daily commitment.
2. is commanded by Jesus (Matt.6:15).

3. is not condoning, rationalizing, denying or avoiding.
4. involves the whole person - visual, emotional, rational, spiritual, memory, morality, ethics, willing to see our own need for forgiveness and understanding of and desire for right relationships.

5. transforms focus from the offender's inflicted pain to how God has used the wound as a source of value - a benefit.
6. slowly transforms our character to the image of Christ.
7. is an ongoing process the rest of our lives.

You may wonder what happened to Gail (the lady badly abused by her step father). In her forgiving process she called her stepfather who lived in Australia.
She relates: "I was scared to death. What would I hear on the other end of the line? Would I receive a blast of dirty profanity? I said,'hello, Jim, this is Gail'. He very nearly came through the phone.
"Oh Gail. It is so good to hear you. I've spent thousands of dollars on private investigators, trying to locate you. I've become a Christian and I do so much need you to forgive me for the terrible way I treated you. I'll do anything. My weekly paycheck is yours for the rest of my life if that would bring about your forgiveness.

"Ray, he was in tears," she said. "As we talked, it seemed as if a dark, oppressing cloud lifted from me. We hung up, and immediately I saw a coat hangar in my room. I could pick up that hangar without the terrible memories reappeariong of the scores of times he had beaten me with a coat hangar. Tonight I'm going to take my first bath in 17 years." She had showered, but hadn't been able to bathe because of the memories of being held under water until she would yield to his cruel, selfish demands.
Freedom.

Not all my clients had such a dramatic story and for some reconciliation never occurs because the offender is unrepentant. But, no matter what the offender's response, for our own health, we must forgive.

Anyone you need to forgive?
Matthew 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Identity - Forgiveness 12

My wife Theresa with friend Polly

The forgiving process: disclosure, desire, decision and lastly, repentance.
Repentance of what? "I wasn't the scoundrel, the abusive parent, the cruel friend, the abandoning spouse. For what do I need to repent?"

I need to repent of my resentful response. My bitterness. My revenge. My coping strategies. The pain I've caused others. Matthew 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Notice the sequence: forgive to be forgiven.

God's forgiveness of my sins removes any guilt on my part. Isaiah 1:18 LB: Come, let's talk this over says the Lord; no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool.

No guilt! But there can be consequences. The prophet Nathan responded to King David's repentance of murder and adultery with "The Lord has taken away your sin; however, the child shall die ... the sword shall never depart from your house."

There is a judicial pardon described in Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more," but God may discipline as is described in Hebrews 12:5-11 ... My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Judicial pardon but at times a spanking! For our good.

We'll wrap up the forgiving thoughts tomorrow.

Identity - Forgiveness 11

Nampa grandboys move to Texas - soaking it up.
The forgiving process: awareness of what needs forgiving; prayer for the desire to forgive; the decision to forgive -
which leads us to the next concern - reconciliation. Romans 12:18 tells us: If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

"If I forgive, do I need to restore relationship with the offender?" is often a question asked in fear because the one who committed the offensive act(s) was a parent who was a sexual or emotional abuser. Reconciliation could place you back in a position of repeat abuse or if grandchildren are involved, they could be mistreated.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different issues. We're not obligated to trust an adversary for reconciliation, but we are compelled to forgive!

Reconciliation depends on the offender renouncing his previous hurtful action, repenting and taking steps to insure that it will unlikely happen again. With a repentant spirit and obvious remedial activity, the offender builds back trust slowly for reconciliation to take place. The remedial activity could be long term counseling, accountability with a group, active pursuit of growth through study, church, workshops, etc.

In this manner the one offended will be receptive to reconciliation as the forgiveness process is completed. Luke 17:3 says "If he repents, forgive him ..." This does not mean we forgive only if an offender repents. It means that for restoration of relationship, the offender must demonstrate a repentant attitude and behavior. Without this, reconciliation is not possible.

How true this is even in marriage. Abuse may continue. A forgiving spirit must remain cultivated toward the offender, but that doesn't mean the offended lies down and becomes a doormat. Physical or extreme emotional abuse must not continue. There are options for the offended.
Matthew 18:15-18 would instruct that the church is to be brought into the action with confrontation if personal and group encounter doesn't produce results in the offenders life.

There is a church in Central Los Angeles that interprets the Matthew 18 passage this way. If a woman comes to a leader of the church with a complaint regarding physical abuse from her husband, the man is confronted and warned that if abuse happens again, four men will pay him a not so kindly visit that will definitely curtail his desire to abuse again.

Another option may be separation to prevent the continued abuse.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not synonymous! Tomorrow: repentance

IDentity Forgiveness - 10

It continues to snow in Nampa, Idaho!

We've looked at the forgiving process beginning with the word awareness, then proceeded to praying for the desire to forgive (the one who has hurt us so deeply). Last post began with the decision to forgive. Let's finish the decision factor today.

Once in a while you may think that the forgiving process is complete, when months or even years later an aching reoccurs. "Oh, no, I thought I had dealt with that. Does this mean I haven't forgiven at all?"
No. It seems that there are situations where God says, "I'll give you as much awareness of an excruciating event as I know you can handle. (I Cor. 10:13) You and I will work on forgiving and later I'll make you aware of a deeper level of anguish and we'll continue the forgiving process at a deeper level."

FORGIVE! Jesus commands it, Paul emphasizes it and looking at ourselves selfishly, it's good for us. The other person might not deserve your forgiving - but you do. So much of what we see in the counseling office - depression, anxiety, family problems and on and on is tied so closely to an unforgiving, vengeful spirit. As a Chinese proverb suggests:" One who pursues revenge should dig two graves." For your own mental, emotional, physical, spiritual freedom - forgive.

Forgive? Burwick, you're kidding. And I share an excerpt from my book, Good and Mad:
"There is no way I can forgive my stepfather," said a young woman sitting in my office. "I wish God would burn him in hell, and before he does, I hope he will do everything to him that he did to me. I can't pick up a coat hanger without remembering the times he beat me with hangers. I can't touch water to my face without remembering the times he held my head under water until I would submit to his cruel sexual advances.

"Forgive him? You're kidding. I want him to be displayed in pornography like he did me. I want him to experience the sexual brutality he gave me that even now prohibits me from bearing children.
"I want his teeth broken off at the roots by a phone being smashed into his face like he did to me...tied to a bed with scalding water thrown on him...taken to the woods to stand naked for hours...burnt with cigarettes, pushed down the stairs... kept prisoner in his house for ten years without a friend...and more that is too cruel and lewd to mention here...like he did me. How can I but hate him?

"I want him to experience what I am going through now: the overwhelming fears, depression, panic attacks, loss of memory, nightmares. I want a psychiatrist to tell him he'll have to spend weeks in a mental hospital. And you say I have to forgive him? He deserves more than the seven years in prison he got. He deserves hell."

You're the counselor. What would your reactions be? Part of me wanted to weep for Gail. Part of me wanted to strangle that animal stepfather. Yet God says, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay."
My vengance would be puny and weak compared to God's. Consider how God repays evil described in Isaiah 25:10-11 The hand of the LORD will rest on this mountain; but Moab will be trampled under him as straw is trampled down in the manure. They will spread out their hands in it, as a swimmer spreads out his hands to swim. God will bring down their pride despite the cleverness of their hands.

Now folks I have mucked my horse stalls, standing in manure and shavings with rubber boots. Think of what it would be like to be trampled under foot of horses in a manure pile so deep it was like you were swimming in it. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, I will repay.

You might not have a Gail experience, but let's make sure the forgiving of your situation is as complete as God has revealed. So complete that you can pray for a heart of love for the offender. Tender love that prays for blessing and tough love that may need to set boundaries to prevent further abuse.

Identity - Forgiveness 9

My sister, Linda, who has had to forgive me much!

From desire to forgive we shift to "Decision to Forgive"
Paul emphasizes forgiving in Ephesians 4:31-32 Stop being mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.

While step 2 is a prayer for desire to forgive, step 3 is decision. An act of the will. The feeling to want to forgive may still not be very strong but a decision is made: "I choose to hold it against him no longer. I wipe his slate clean."

The writing you've done becomes a prayer list allowing the painful scenes to unfold in your mind (visualizing), feeling the devastation of it (emotions) then choosing to forgive (rationality). From one item on the list to the next.

The process is like placing the hurtful memory in a package and situating it in a hot air balloon. The balloon is anchored to the ground with scores of rope moorings. Every time the forgiving process is identified (hopefully daily) another mooring is cut loose. The deeper the hurt, the greater the number of moorings. Each loosened mooring prepares the balloon for its flight into freedom.

What will this freedom feel like, look like? The memory may remain but in a transformed state. The focus will not be the painful event but the value, the benefit personally from the painful circumstance.
Some would say there may always be some pain when the memory is relived. My counseling experience is that in complete forgiveness the pain is gone. However, the question is probably irrelevant because the issue is: when I've allowed God to complete his forgiveness work in me toward that offender, my response to the hurtful memory is "thanks," because the memory is transformed into an image of value to me. (Not thanks for the harmful event, but thanks for how God has used it for good.)

As a 12 year old I was sexually molested by a camp counselor. He was a very nurturing man - in fact he became a father figure to me over the 6-week camping period. But he contaminated it with sexual acts. I didn't realize the negative impact of it all until years later when I saw how what he had affected my sexual relationship with Ann. A seething rage grew within me. However, the forgiving process lead me to a transformed image of what he did because I saw how God used it to create in me a greater need for Him and His nurturing of me, a greater sensitivity toward meeting my wife's needs and emphasized to me the great need to appropriately nurture boys and men with whom I come in contact.

The anger is gone. The molestation memory remains, but in a positive, transformed state.


More Monday on the decision to forgive.

Identity Forgivenesss - 8

As mentioned in yesterday's post, during the initial stages of forgiving, we usually don’t “feel like it.” Christ can help us overcome negative thoughts and beliefs which block forgiveness. We can ask Him to soften our hearts and change our minds towards that person, granting us the power to forgive him/her. Paul reminds us of this truth in Philippians 4:8, 13.

We can recognize that we are sinners in need of forgiveness. This helps us empathize with those who have injured us. Mrs. Washington's acceptance of her daughter's killer was based on her realization that she was a sinner in need of grace as well.

When it's still hard to forgive, we can place our trust in God Who will someday judge all the wrongs in the world. We can leave revenge and justice up to Him..... because Proverbs 20:22 says "Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you." and Paul reminds us in Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

When we are still stuck in unforgiveness, we can ask to talk and pray with a confidante, a pastor or a counselor to help us deal with the resentment and hurt we feel towards the offender. This will provide a context for release of the painful feelings we are experiencing, provide support, and a better understanding of the person and situation.

Perhaps the most powerful outcome of forgiveness is that it changes and enables us to become more like Christ Who said as He hung dying on the cross... "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

God's love and grace is the power behind forgiveness, granting us supernatural power to forgive others, the power to overcome resentment, the power to redeem relationships and show God's love to a hurting world.

Tomorrow: the decision to forgive.

Identity - forgiveness 7

A gorgeous iris that adorns our back yard. (During the summer! )

We began the forgiving process in yesterday's post and left off with "what if you don't feel like forgiving." (We've all been there, haven't we?)

From awareness of what needs forgiving, we move to step two:
Prayer for the desire to forgive. It is not our natural response to want to forgive, especially the deep hurts inflicted by someone significant to us - a relative or close friend. But God is in the business of life-changing and will soften our heart to help us want to forgive. Philippians 2:13 says, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

We might pray "Father, I know it is your good purpose for me to forgive, however, that hurt is so deep. You must give me the desire to want to forgive. Thank you that you will."
To help ourselves with the desire to forgive, it is appropriate to see how much God has forgiven us, because the capacity to forgive is rooted in His forgiveness of us.
If I find a person who is still hung up in this area of desiring to forgive, a couple suggestions are offered.

1. Endeavor to sense the other person's neediness. People who hurt, hurt people. To discern his pain can soften the heart to want to forgive him for the pain he inflicted on you.
Caution: don't do this too quickly in the forgiving process, lest it become a rationalizing tool to avoid facing pain. Make sure your own anguish has been thoroughly felt before seeing the hurt in the offender.

2. See the value of the pain in your life. If according to Romans 8:28, everything is to work out for our good, then asking God how He wants to use the pain as some good gift will help transform the resentful focus toward the offender. As Joseph said to his cruel brothers: "what you meant for evil, God planned for good." This brings a change in focus toward the offender.

During the initial stages of forgiving, we usually don’t “feel like it.” However, no matter the feelings, we can make the choice to forgive. When Mrs. Washington embraced the prisoner who killed her daughter, she did it choosing to follow Christ versus her feelings. Paul adds to his Colossians 3 directive with Eph 4:31-32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."NIV

More in tomorrow's post of how to want to forgive another who has hurt us deeply.

Identity - Forgiveness 6

So, how do we practically forgive someone who has deeply hurt us? Here are some Steps to Forgivingness. Applying these principles will help deliver us from bitterness and its devastation.

Step 1. Disclosure\awareness.
I find that many people don't realize they are carrying an unforgiving attitude. Thus, disclosure begins with the Psalmist prayer of 139:23-4 Search me O God...
Procedures we use with this prayer involve writing - either a negative autobiography or making a list.

The autobiography involves walking back through memories in five year segments, asking God to help recall events that caused hurt, anger and guilt. Hurt and anger from those who have hurt you. Guilt from pain that we have caused others.

Write a sentence or two about the circumstances and what your response was. Too much detail written can lead to a verbal escape. Just a "Dad wasn't there for me. That made me feel unwanted and it hurts."
"I teased a girl about being fat. I hurt her self esteem. I'm carrying guilt about that."

Think through the last five years. Write. Move back to the previous five years and on back to earliest memories. Very few people adhere to the discipline this takes. Those who do, experience great freedom as they work through the forgiving process.

Rather than a negative autobiography, some prefer making a two-column list: who hurt me or who did I hurt and what were the circumstances. This defines assignment of responsibility.
Writing has a way of clarifying and making more real what happened. This is so important in the forgiving process because just a rational, thinking approach to forgiving tends to be an exercise with shallow results. Thoughts, images, memories, and emotions need to be incorporated in forgiving if a deep healing and resolution is to take place. A strictly rational approach to forgiving will never take away the destructive power of an unforgiving spirit.

Bring a memory to recall. Identify the thoughts regarding the hurt. What image occurs? What happens as you dwell on the image? What emotions are triggered? Associate your memory with emotion. Hurt, rage, loss, grief, guilt?
Caution: dwell only long enough on the image to own the pain. If pain is dwelt on it can easily become an obsession that becomes an escape from entering active forgiving. Rather than forgiving, the focus is the pain.

Examine defenses that have protected you from that pain - revenge, stuffing, withdrawing, anesthesia cover-up, rationalizing\spiritualizing, denial, shallow forgiving. Examine how they have protected you from the pain and obstructed the forgiving process. We're talking about re-visiting the event to produce the deepest healing. (Christ set the example in his teaching. He often taught in word pictures that elicited a rational and emotional response.)

Make this an aggressive exercise in your daily formal discipline of solitude with God and spontaneously throughout the day. Integrate the memories into self concept and how it affects it and other areas of your present life. Tie the memory to mental pictures, other emotions, other memories and ongoing events and people. Ask God to reveal how bitterness effects your everyday life.

For example, one guy said, "I found himself getting outrageously angry at my new wife whenever she would give me the slightest criticism. I exploded one day with 'If it weren't for you I could be a good Christian.' I had not dealt with a burning anger toward my very dominating, critical mother. My overreactions toward my wife were mother-anger spilling out on my bride. An unforgiving spirit toward someone in the past was affecting my present relationship.

Thus, the first step in forgiving others is to allow yourself to feel your feelings fully. Whatever has happened, it is important to own your feelings. When you allow yourself the freedom to feel, your emotions will build to a peak and then dissipate again. Unfortunately, many people are afraid of the intensity of emotions and tend to block the flow. Blocking emotions in this way keeps the emotional energy trapped. Over time this creates stress because you have to work to keep all of this pent up emotional energy under control – like trying to keep a lid on a pressure cooker. Contrary to what many people believe, letting your emotions flow is the best way to let go of them and to move forward. (And the best way to let them flow is on paper. No one else gets hurt!) If you believe that your emotions may be too much for you to handle on your own, you may want to seek professional guidance as you learn to feel and process your emotions

Tomorrow's post: what if you don't feel like forgiving?

Identity: Forgivness - 5

A church in Puerto Vallarta.

We left off in Friday's post with: "Forgiving is not placing blame, not condoning or denying. It is not necessarily reconciliation." Today we'll begin the exploration of that most difficult task - forgiving.

Launching the quest we view Christ's words in Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

If forgiveness of our sins took place at the cross, how can it be said our sins won't be forgiven if we don't forgive. Could it mean that if we don't forgive, we're not going to sense God's forgiveness for our sins? This is one of the crucial motivations for us to be forgiving those who have wronged us - to sense forgiveness for our own sins !

What is forgiveness? After working through deep pain in her own life and having worked with scores of abused women, my first wife Ann defined forgiving this way: "I bear the reality of the hurt and I choose to hold it against him no longer." I cancel a debt that is real and treacherous. Mercy is extended to the offender who caused my severe wound. Justice is left up to God, because He says vengeance is His, He will repay.

Forgiving is vital to the healing of an inflicted wound. Complete healing comes through the destruction of any self-protective defenses (that we've described in what forgiving is not) and a deep forgiving that depends on changing rationally, visually and emotionally. We'll emphasize this later.

Chuck Colson tells the story about a Mrs. Washington who, during a graduation ceremony for inmates completing a Prison Fellowship program, swept to the stage to wrap her arms around a graduating inmate, declaring "this young man is my adopted son." Everyone had tears in their eyes for they knew that this young man was behind bars for the murder of Mrs. Washington's daughter.

Phillip Yancey wrote: "Forgiveness is another way of admitting, 'I'm human, I make mistakes, I want to be granted that privilege and so I grant you that privilege.' "
Forgiveness cancels a debt someone owes us and can possibly restore relationship. It is the only solution in a world ridden with sin and evil to help us start over with people and with God.

We learn about real forgiveness at the foot of the cross where Jesus Christ shed His blood to pay for the sins of the whole world (for mine, for yours). That is God's kind of forgiveness- - free, sacrificial, no cost on our part. Just accepting it with a repentant heart. Experiencing His forgiveness prompts us to obey Him like Mrs. Washington extended her forgiveness to another.

So, how do we practically forgive someone who has hurt us? Tomorrow's post will be "Steps to Forgivingness. "

Identity: Forgiveness - 4

An unusual amount of snow in Nampa. Our backyard.

We've looked at some of the devasation of an unforgiving spirit. However that usually isn't sufficient motivation to forgive because we’re just not quick to want to forgive. Rather we use Self-protective Devises.

Before we look at what forgiving is, let's look in more detail at what forgiving is not.

Forgiving is not:
1. Condemning - "Oh, you want me to blame my parents for..." is often the initial response to exploring sources of emotional pain. The counselor's reply: "No we're not here to blame anyone, but to face realistically what happened and what your response has been." We assign responsibility - theirs and ours.

2. Condoning\intellectualizing (admitting an action was wrong but downplaying its destructiveness). One might say, "Dad beat me but his dad beat him worse than what I received."

3. Denial - trying to forget. "Ah, no big deal. Other people have it worse. Forget it."

4. Reconciliation. Forgiving and reconciliation are two separate issues that we'll explore later. Forgiving is not placing blame, not condoning or denying. It is not necessarily reconciliation.

Our next post will begin to examine what forgiving is. Oh OOO, a dangling participle!

Identity: Forgiveness -3

Grandkids are the greatest

More on the devastation of an unforgiving spirit.

We're wired to treat any tension-inducing event, be it a fire alarm or reliving a simmering feud, as a crisis. At these times, our bodies release the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, prompting our hearts to accelerate, our breath to quicken and our minds to race. An accompanying sugar release revs up muscles, and clotting factors surge in the blood.

It's all harmless if the scare is brief (like a near mishap on the highway). But anger and resentment are like accidents that don't end, turning hormones meant to save us into toxins.

Cortisol's depressive effect on the immune system has been linked to serious disorders. Bruce McEwen, PhD, director of the neuroendocrinology lab at Rockefeller University in New York City, says cortisol wears down the brain, leading to cell atrophy and memory loss. It also raises blood pressure and blood sugar, hardening arteries and leading to heart disease.

Enter forgiveness, which seems to stop these hormones from flowing. For a study presented to the American Psychosomatic Society last March, University of Wisconsin-Madison researchers recruited 36 male veterans who had coronary artery disease and were also burdened by painful issues, some war-related, some tied to marital problems, work conflicts or childhood traumas. Half the men received forgiveness training; the rest didn't. Those who got the training showed greater blood flow to the heart.

Just thinking about resolving a hurt can help. In a 2001 study, psychologist Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, PhD, of Hope College in Holland, Michigan, hooked 71 college students to sensors and had them relive lies, insults or betrayals by family members, friends or lovers. Told to imagine forgiving the offenders, the subjects experienced heart rates and blood pressure two and a half times lower than when they thought about holding a grudge. "It appears that forgiveness could be a powerful antidote to anger, which is strongly associated with chronically elevated blood pressure and increased risk for heart disease," says Witvliet.

Thus we see that the latest research shows that learning to forgive those who hurt us can have profound benefits. It's become a hot new way to manage anger, cut stress and, maybe most important, improve health.

More on forgiving in tomorrow's post!

Forgiveness - 2

Ray II, old Ray, Fletcher K, Kevin S

It is not our natural instinct to forgive. We saw in yesterday's post the more common ways we handle hurt and resentment. Let's look at the negative ramifications of the results: an unforgiving spirit that is like an addiction. Holding a grudge feels better immediately but destroys in the long run. An unforgiving spirit has control over us like prison bars to an inmate.

Unforgiveness freezes children and teenagers into the offended time frame and an area of emotional growth stops. It seems we actually lock into what we resent. Like the 14 year-old boy who angrily retorts: "I'm never going to let a woman dominate me like Mom does." That resentful statement locks him into that 14 year-old mind set. A powerful and substantial amount of emotional energy is focused on the offensive time and offender. He becomes emotionally enslaved. Emotional growth in that area stops and his relationship with women is forever stilted.

Or, the 17 year-old gal who resents her alcoholic father often finds herself at age 35 married to an alcoholic husband. An unforgiving spirit locks us into that which we resent.

An unforgiving spirit is the cause of a host of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and relational torment. Jesus describes it in a parable found in Matthew 18:21-35. It is the story of the unforgiving servant whose end result was being thrown to the tormentors. And the King was angry and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if you from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

So shall my heavenly Father do also unto you. Obviously resentment is not the only cause of this range of problems but in my counseling experience, an unforgiving spirit is the number one root of personal dysfunction (torment).

This is corroborated by an Atlanta conference held recently. Some 40 researchers met to review what they're finding in probing the healing power of forgiving. One study showed that giving up grudges can reduce chronic back pain. Another found that forgiveness limited relapses among women battling substance-abuse problems. One intriguing project discussed at the event -- run by the nonprofit Campaign for Forgiveness Research -- used MRI scans to explore how just thinking about empathy and reconciliation sparks activity in the brain's left middle temporal gyrus, suggesting we all have a mental forgiveness center set to be tapped.

Fred Luskin, PhD, director of Stanford University's Forgiveness Project and author of "Forgive for Good," emphasizes that forgiving doesn't mean condoning the offense. He has found that letting go of a grudge can slash one's stress level by up to 50 percent. Volunteers in his studies also have shown improvements in energy, mood, sleep quality and overall physical vitality. "Carrying around a load of bitterness and anger at how unfairly you were treated is very toxic," says Luskin.

More tomorrow on the devastation of an unforgiving spirit.

Identity based on Forgiveness

We pick up the topic "Search for Identity" after our brief interlude with the NNU basketball team.

Our last sessions in building a godly self perception challenged us to face any issues that we could be carrying that detract from a positive self esteem. The number one issue I’ve seen is not grappling successfully with the memories of those who have hurt us.

Resentment lies smoldering and burning away our godly image. One of the hardest tasks in the construction of a healthy self image is the challenge to forgive those who have wronged us. The Bible tells us in:
Colossians 3:13-15 LB Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Your child was murdered by a gunman or killed by a drunk driver. What do you feel? What do you do? You've been abused badly as a child. What did this do to you? How did you handle it? You find your spouse in bed with your best friend. How did this affect you?

All of us have experienced some degree of relational pain and have someone to forgive. Think of a personal example. It may not be as dramatic as those just mentioned, possibly more the typical feelings of rejection from an unloving parent, spouse or friend. Or the pain may come from feelings of being used, taken advantage of or taken for granted. How have you dealt with it?

Typical pattern of handling hurt\resentment:
1. Revenge\punish by attacking, literally or mentally. The school murderers were boys who among other things had been teased much, had been put down, had had enough and got their revenge. Literal revenge. A client of mine retaliated by thinking of driving his car into his offender's house, destroying the house. Mental vengeance. Gossiping about the offender is a common expression of punishment. Smudge his character to get even. However, as we take this natural path let's be reminded of Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

2. Stuffing it and becoming cynical, spewing the cynicism and resentment on others.
3. Withdrawing to protect oneself or to punish the offender.

4. Try to forget and cover up with food, drugs or some other anesthesia
5. Rationalize\spiritualize - "he didn't mean it. He had a bad day. He had a bad childhood. All things work together for good." These are all mental escapes, a minimizing, a diluting of the pain.

6. Deny (If the pain is severe enough, repression takes place leading to severe psychiatric problems.) - usually found in ruthless childhood abuse.
7. Shallow - a quick acknowledgement and forgiveness but not really digging into the depths of pain and processing it. A beginning of but not finishing the forgiving process.

Which of these may apply to you? Sometimes our closest friend can give us insight into ourselves that we don't see ourselves. You might show this list to him/her and ask for input.

Tomorrow's post continues with the forgiving topic.

GAIN FROM LOSS

William R responded so beautifully and articulately to the last post with this observation: I would answer that by saying that "it is by no means JUST a game, but it is by no means EVERYTHING." And if I could really get that into my head, I could examine myself freely - not fretting my flaws, but mastering them. A spirit of hope and joy that errs on the side of self-confidence -this is an entirely superior experience, and tactic, than a spirit of anxiety and second-guessing." What astute insight. Thanks William R.

My devotional to the NNU basketball team this afternoon will sound like this:
There was a young businessman who just set up his business selling very expensive computers. He would make a very good living selling one per month. He’d been dreaming about this business since just a little tyke – worked in shops getting sales experience. Spent over $100,000 on his college education in preparation.

He began working with his first client, taking him to lunch, playing golf, building the relationship, spending considerable time leading up to the proposal of a sale. The client didn’t buy, in fact he bought from his ocmpetitor. “Oh well, he thought, “its just business. No big deal. In athletic terms he said, “its just a game.: He didn’t learn from the loss. His attitude was, “ca sara, sara. Whatever will be, will be.” A closed sign soon appeared on his shop door.

Another guy, same situation, buys out the first guy’s business. Sets up. Nurtures relationships for sales. Has his first sales opporunity. Like the first guy, the sale didn’t consumate. The rejection tore him up. “What did I do wrong? What can I learn from this? What should I do differently next time?” The loss upset him just long enough to get his adrenlin flowing for working more wisely on the next customer.

A short time passed and his second sales opportunity surfaced. Initially the client said “no”, but because he had learned from his first loss and though it looked liked he was to lose this client, he hung in there with wise and persuasive counsel that won him the sale – a great one that far exceeded his expectations.

Men, that is the scenario of the weekend games. Thursday night’s loss wasn’t “just a game.” You should have been upset by your poor perforance – for about an hour -as you dug deeply into your soul and asked, “what am I to learn from this. How can I contribute more productively? What did I do wrong?” After about an hour it was time to say, “that’s enough. I now prepare for the next game, a wiser more determined player.”

And that is what you did. Central Washington University, a very strong team, athletically superior to you pulled ahead of you by 19 points. You learned that it wasn’t the “size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.” Toward the end of the game you caught up with them and in the last moments you pulled ahead and won by 11. A tremendous display of team work, heart and sweat. You played like you had six men on the floor with great wisdom and determination.

You’ve just experienced again that basketball is a microcosm of life in general. How you play the basketball game will be how you tend to play in "the game of life."

James 1:2-4 tells us, When you come into trouble and trials of many kinds count yourself supremely happy in the knowledge that such testing of your faith breeds fortitude and when you give fortitude full play, you’ll become a balanced character, falling short in nothing.

The results of Thursday night’s game and the first three fourths of Saturday night’s game was a test of your fortitude. You passed the test. You grew in character. You are stronger individually. You are stronger as a team. And I am one blessed man to be associated with you.

Finding victory in defeat

Pictured is my grandson, Dominick, (the Dominator) Scoleri. He is the hottest show in Orlando's
first grades! (Totally an unbiased observation.)

It's after Midnight. Normal bed time is 9:30. Can't sleep. We got beat tonight. Got spanked by Western Washington University, 20 points. I really thought we were ready for them - lead at half time. Looked good the first half. Then fell apart. What do I tell them at our next team devotional?

"Well, it is just a game. No big deal." Not! Thousands of hours have gone into preparation for this game and for the rest this season. "No big deal," would be like a business man saying the same after he had lost a very profitable vender. Not. He would dig and search out the reasons he lost the deal. So also must these players after the loss tonight.

How can I learn from this - basketball skills and personal character qualities? How can this loss be turned into ultimate gain? How would you answer that? (We have another game Saturay night and my next team devotional is on Monday.

Emotional Cholesterol Removal

Pictured is the Northwest Nazarene University basketball team, currently 8-1. We enjoyed hosting them at our house for a Mexican-theme dinner.


In our last posts we saw the importance of allowing God to examine us, revealing anything in us that displeases Him - that which would be destructive to ourselves. Let’s reflect more on the topic from an emotional cholesterol metaphor.


Heart attack! Scarey words. Frightening diagnosis. Though the attack is surprisingly sudden, the problem has been there for some time. It is usually a build-up of cholesterol, clogging the arteries that impedes blood flow. Genetics, certain foods, stress and injury are some of the root problems.


In like manner, emotional cholesterol builds up over the course of our lives when emotional injury is not faced and healthfully processed. Single wounds are often handled efficiently, however multiple wounds without resolution causes an emotional cholesterol build-up that produces a mirade of “attacks”: psychiatric disorders, substance abuse, relational dysfunction, ailments of the body, soul and spirit and more.

Though this blog is not a counseling hot line, it may be helpful to you, dear reader, to consider the following exercise.
1. What one incident in your life has caused the greatest pain? Write it. Just the facts. What happened?

2. What were the results? What did that painful situation or person do to you?



3. Now list out a number of painful incidents in your life. Just the facts. For example, sexual, physical or emotional abuse, ramifications of divorce, abandonment issues, betrayal, death, unfair treatment, your own foolish decisions. Write what could be the result of the buildup of all this emotional cholesterol.

4. Is there a known sin in your life? Others have hurt us for which we need honesty as to our response, so not to hide it or do the opposite, blame them. But we also need to be honest about how we’ve hurt ourselves and others by nurturing some sinful pattern. Is there a sin that needs to be repented of and broken? Porn, bitterness, laziness, rebellion…

Ignorance is not bliss. Time doesn’t heal – either with physical or emotional cholesterol. A game plan for healing must be designed. Therapeutic emotional angioplasty must relinquish to the knife of THE Surgeon.

If you decide to involve yourself in this exercise, have a good friend, wise and trusted, walk through this with you. Or if something seriously devastating surfaces, it would be wise to avail the services of a competent Christian counselor.

Aiming for the stars

My mother's parents immigrated from Estonia over 100 years ago. Their first home was made out of sod - blocks of cut earth. That house was replaced by the pictured 100-year-old stone house in which my mother was born. My daughter, Gretchen, peers out of the second story window contemplating her roots and gazing toward her future. Will she be able to capitalize on the rich heritage her great grandparents established of starting from nothing, dreaming big and shooting for the stars? Gretchen is following suite.

TOO LOW THEY BUILD WHO BUILD BENEATH THE STARS.

Fitting in with our temporary theme of goals and slogans for the new year, "Streams in the Desert" devotional book, January 2, challenges us:
"Wake up believers, from your lowly condition. Throw away laziness, sluggishness, coldness, or whatever is interfering with your pure love for Christ. Make Him the Source, the Center, and the One who encompasses every delight of your soul. Refuse to be satisfied any longer with your meager accomplishments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, and a fuller life. Upward to heaven. Nearer to God.

Not many of us are living at our best. We linger in the lowlands because we are afraid to climb the mountains... we do not know what is lost by our self-indulgence, what glory awaits if we only have the courage to climb, or what blessings we will find if we will only ascent the mountains of God.

Too low they build who build beneath the stars.
May 2008 be a year of living in the stars for you and for me.

Happy New Year - Goals 2

Pictured is the Northwest Nazarene University basketball team (8-1)during a timeout at last Saturday's game with Idaho State.

In our last blog I wrote the devotional I shared with the team yesterday - goals and slogans for the New Year. Please indulge me by letting you in on part 2 that I'll share with the team today. (I'm having a blast being team chaplain.)

It’s natural to want what is right and productive but it is also natural to not commit to the kind of life that will produce the action required to achieve the personal doing and being goals. The natural result is the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Like wanting to be fianancially solvent but maxing out the credit cards.

Same with basketball. How much time do you spend in extra personal workout? And what is the structure? DO you just go out on the court and start shooting? My bias as a coach and player was to get on the court and don’t’ even touch a ball. Warm up. Then do defensive slide drills up and down the court. Then get a ball – not to shoot but to work on dribbing and ball handling drills. Everyone wants to get on the court and start shooting but this suggeted workout before shooting prepares you mentally for the complete game. Gets you somewhat fatigued to replicate more of game conditions. Then shoot – starting in close building up a mindset of that ball is going in and gradually moving further from the basket knowing that the ball is going through the hoop. So much of shooting is psych.

Just as you’ve worked on developing your BB skills to even more enjoy the fruit of competition; so also the person walking with God. To enjoy the greater fruit of godly living requires training.

Ingredients in our spiritual workout are:
1. Solitude. Silence to expose ourselves to ourselves and to provide an environment in which we can listen to God’s whisper to us.
2. Mediation upon God’s word – not just read it or listen to someone else preach, though both are valuable. But digging into the Word and allowing it to to speak to you.
3. Journaling thoughts, feelings and insights more indelibley imprints our minds and spirits.
4. Memorize scripture, in so doing you’re bathing your mind with principles for successful living and dying.
5. Prayer, talking to and listening with God. Prayer invcludes confession.
6. Worship, corporately where we join others in the celebration of the Christ life.

All this not as a legalistic trip for God’s approval or to be more spiritual, but it is our part in allowing God to work deeply in our lives, transforming us into stronger, wiser, more loving Godly people.

Men, life is painful. You’ll either experience the pain of self discipline or the pain of regret – both in basketball and in life in general. Regret from not accomplishing what you know you are capable of achieving.

Pain of disciple or the pain of reget. Have a goal. Develop a strategy for accomplishing the goal. Pay the price in action to enjoy the fruit of reaching that goal. Enjoy life more fully.